Who is she kidding? She's going to say exactly what she thinks as if you were sipping a Saucy-tini right next to her during the telecast and we had nothing better to do with ourselves on a Sunday night than say judgemental things about fabulously glamorous and wealthy people while we wear our flannels from JCrew?
How does that sound? Good? Okay, let's do this.
One of the first to arrive on the red carpet, presumably because her wife Ellen was hosting and had to be there early, but Portia de Rossi looked striking in this lacy cutout gown with a small train. Saucy digs anything with an antimacassar vibe to it. This was particularly nice because of her statuesque figure and most excellent choice in accessories. Also, any mock turtle halter top is aces in Saucy's book.
One of the big themes on the carpet tonight was blue. Blue dresses, Kevin Spacey's tuxedo jacket, Ellen's eyes, and Liza Minelli's hair. More about that later. In the meantime, Sandra Bullock played it safe for a nominee in an Alexander McQueen gown that didn't have all the signature trappings of his evening wear (bugle beaded heavily studded shoulder pads as accessories) but rather the bespoke fit of a Kate Middleton wedding gown instead. She downplayed the jewelry and must have slipped her handbag to her publicist. Otherwise, wear would she keep her snacks?
Kristen Bell kept her snacks handily close by in her clutch - she tweeted a picture of a burrito she stashed into it before leaving for the uber-long event. Who knew Ellen was going to order pizza? KBell's frosty blue-grey gown had a distinct "Frozen" vibe to it and although Saucy is lazy and it's late she's not going to Google who made it. It looks like a Vera Wang from the bottom of it so, if it isn't Vera Wang then the designer owns Vera an apology. At any rate, Saucy has always had a total love on for those deconstructed-strip gowns that Vera does so this one is nice, too. The super structured beading on top and sculptural neckline is a nice juxtaposition to the almost raggedy skirt. Raggedy in a good way.
Here is another former Disney Princess, Amy Adams, wearing blue. Loopy was convinced that Amy said it was by "Juicy Couture" but a rewind of the interview proved it to be Gucci Couture but no less beautiful. The only, only problem Saucy has with this look is that the earrings (although a lovely choice) were a little lost on the red carpet. That's why girls usually pick flashy diamond pieces, they actually show up. Note: Amy chose to style herself this evening, leaving the Rachel Zoe's of Hollywood out in the cold. It's probably just as well... she did a nice job on her own and there are definitely some people who could use the help of a professional.
You may have thoughts about her hair. It was sleek and a little harsh but it worked with the dress and the eventually noticed earrings. It had a really nice little victory-style roll perched forward on the top of her head. These really are minor complaints but honestly, the types of things a stylist would make sure didn't happen.
If blue was the shade of the night, Saucy knew the moment that Lupita Nyong'o hit the carpet that particular shade of Nairobi blue was perfection. Are we all in agreement here? From now on, Saucy can speak no more ill words of the House of Prada for some really hideous getups in the past. This was just... perfection. A moment. Let's enjoy it just a little bit more.
It was kind of princess-y without being fluffy. It had a sophisticated neckline and some edgy accessories. Loopy was just in lurrve with that headband and earrings, they were beyond.
The gold accessories and pastel nails were pristine perfection, too. The snake bracelet: kind of edgy against the backdrop of the sweet dress. The blue stone in the ring. On Instagram, the actress posted a sneak peek of the little ring she layered in with the cocktail ones: a family totem for luck. She's just cool like that.
Now it's time to kill the buzz.
This whole deal made Saucy blue. Like, totally down-in-the-dumps, what-was-she-thinking, who-did-this-to-you, blue. Liza, you're better than this. An unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet. If the outfit had been right, Saucy would likely have nothing bad to say about the blue streak in your hair. But c'mon... satin pants? They aren't flattering for anyone. Only JLo can pull off the caftan top these days... and hers are purposely see through.
Also... Hollywood is becoming a giant Public Service Announcement against plastic surgery these days, no? First, Liza. Then (also in blue) Kim Novak.
You know, sometimes (sometimes) Saucy ponders a little lifestyle lift. You know... she stands in front of the bathroom mirror after using the Windex and gives herself a little nip/tuck using her toothbrush handle just to see. A little what-if. Saucy could look like Joan Rivers someday, that wouldn't be too bad. But then she remembers Joan's advice: eventually... the hands will give you away anyway. Kim: the hands are giving you away.
Ellen also opened the show in a getup reminiscent of Bobby Vinton. Thankfully, she changed into a sharp white tux that elicited cheers from the audience that she was free from the shackles of her bluuue velvet... she wore... bluuuue velvet... bluer than velvet were her eyes... but I can still see that blue velvet through my tears.
Saucy does not know how old Viola Davis is, but she continues to look matronly on the red carpet, although classic and ladylike. Not everyone has to be a screen siren. Saucy would like to see her take a few chances from time to time, though.
Also in green, somebody's grandma. (Saucy is perfectly aware this is June Squibb from Nebraska. Not Nebraska the state, Nebraska the movie) but still likely someone's grandmother, so off-limits. She didn't really put a foot wrong, anyway.
Obviously this is the mature portion of the review. Glenn Close looked totally appropriate to introduce that annual death reel known as "In Memorium" which predictably, ended its crawl with an image of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and opened to reveal none other than Bette Midler to warble out a watered-down version of The Wind Beneath My Wings.
It was no doubt a touching performance which left Saucy dreading that the cameras would pan the faces of Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams, who both no doubt were a little weepy over losing respective castmate and friend Hoffman. Thankfully, we at home were spared this intimate moment. At her core, Saucy realizes she is frightfully British about these things. She is really not cool with showing much emotion in public.
Julie Delpy (of Before Midnight) made a few honest mistakes here. A poorly draped garment, much too close to her skin tone, accentuating some... uh... shall we call them angles, and a too long hemline that must have been soaked. Pity the designer whose gowns are returned to the showroom this week worse for the wear in the rain.
Goldie made almost the same mistakes but she is forgiven for wearing appropriate undergarments and a more flattering drape across her hips. She is aging gracefully and if she has had plastic surgery it looks a bit more natural. Her face kind of matches her neck and hands better than most.
Meryl... Veto has a professional beef with you and therefore Saucy is obliged not to care for you too terribly much but despite your stance on the agriculture industry in general, you are flawless in your style choices and damn, you up and boogied with Pharrell and for that Saucy will be forever jealous of you. Your endless professional success be damned: you shimmied with the man in the Vivienne Westwood hat and for that, you are just perfection.
Can we all just agree that Bette looked better when she arrived to walk the carpet than during her performance? Sure, she needed to tone it down and be a little more Glenn-Close-appropriate for the tribute song, but her Reem Acra number beforehand was just killer. Now this, people. This is what Saucy would like to look like when she's old enough.
There wasn't much red on the carpet this year (thankfully) especially since Gulianna Rancic on E! started parroting Saucy about "red not popping against the carpet" but it's actually true. JLaw made an exception to this rule by picking the same bright cherry tomato shade she made a splash in when nominated for Winter's Bone a few years back. That was actually a bit of a flop at the time, for Saucy anyway. She's progressed from channeling Baywatch swimsuit to being a glamour gal in her own right. Also, the poor kid fell down on that wet carpet when she arrived. In her own worst nightmare, tripping over a traffic cone set up for God knows what reason. The carpet was so very wet, many of the dresses were starting to look sloppy.
We should also take a moment to admire the necklace draped down the back of Jennifer's neckline. Girlfriend, you did it again. Now go and knock over a waiter and don't forget to check your shoe for toilet paper when you leave the washroom at the Governor's Ball.
The last red frock worth mentioning was worn by P!nk during her tribute rendition to Somewhere Over the Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz. It was completely sequinned but not gaudy, it fit and flattered without being gaudy, a plunged neckline that was not slutty and all in all, a fitting tribute to Dorothy while being true to Alicia.
And now for a Tale of Two Annes.
The first, Anne Hathaway who decided to sculpt a disco ball across her halter top. When exactly Anne Hathaway went from media/fashion darling to seemingly pretentious snot Saucy is unsure but it seems like that when she e-nun-cee-ahtes Saucy is done with her. Stand under a strobe light and be done with yourself already.
Anna Kendrick, now this is more like it. A more delicate splash of beadwork, the muted red tones, the appropriate slit length. Plus, this bad-boy looked cool at the back... but you might have to Google that look on your own. It's almost four o'clock in the morning and Saucy's Ambien kicked in a while ago... she doesn't want to go all Kerry Kennedy on you. Do you know how long these Oscar recaps take?
Charlize Theron opted for black as well, in her capacity as Dior "global representative" and one can only imagine that she was soaked in the scent of J'adore and everyone's eyes watered as she passed because she was so lovely and that perfume really does stink.
Fashion darling Emma Watson playing it safe but hitting just the right note in black with grey accents. The Bling Ring star left the bling at home and yet her youthful beauty shine through. She's not trying to look older than she is but she also avoids looking like someone's prom date. Perfection.
America's Sweetheart Julia Roberts, also in black. She was nominated tonight, too. She probably knew her category was a lock for Lupita and just opted to go a little more laid back and why not? This look might be panned by critics tomorrow (Saucy is looking at you, Joan Rivers) but Saucy is sold on that inverted lace neckline and the shredded lace on one shoulder. The lighter, tousled hairstyle and her general casual-but-fancy-enough look passed Saucy's scrutiny.
Jennifer Garner has been opting for more genteel gowns of late. Thankfully, gone are the days of her spill-over cleavage and super-toned shoulders of her time on Alias. She seems to know what fits for her and also, Saucy noticed that her makeup and her hair looked positively glowy and natural. For that she must be commended.
Here is another take on the slinky beaded nude/silver gown. Angelina Jolie added sleeves and a bit more volume to the skirt. Now, this may be met with a strong reaction... but after her infamous double mastectomy are we to believe she has chosen to reconstruct herself in quite this way? She was never quite so... endowed prior to her health scare. She looks lovely (regular readers know Saucy is not a fan of hers) but this situation is a little disconcerting.
Sally Hawkins, in an oversized nude beaded gown of over-doneness. Those sleeves are just simply too long and the whole bit just overtakes her. This would be a perfect frock for... Dame Judi Dench, if she weren't such a badass hanging out this week in India filming the next instalment of James Bond 007.
Oh, and by the way, Sally... are you related to Jennifer Love Hewitt or Carly Rae Jepsen? If this is indeed not the case, you may want to rethink this hairstyle.
It's hard to get nude to work just right. The only one who seemed to nail it was the admirable Cate Blanchette.
Twitter pundits scoffed at the invisible shoulders that were dotted with beads and crystals stating "it was too close to her skin tone" but in this case, I think that was the effect she was going for. There seemed to be no definite beginning nor ending to her neckline, and Saucy found it intriguing and beguiling all at the same time. On this night, Cate could do no wrong fashion-wise. Her acceptance speech for best actress was a tad dreary and a few things came out awkwardly but hey, we all can't be Lupita Nyong'o.
And while EVERYONE was obsessing how to pronounce Lupita Nyong'o's name in the event she should win an Oscar, apparently nobody thought to prep John Travolta on how to introduce Broadway legend Idina Menzel's relatively easy moniker. He butchered it, and she seemed rattled when the curtain rose for her to sing "Let it Go" the anthem which won for Best Original Song. She was also radiant in a glamorous gown that perfectly suited the Frozen vibe. She looked like an ICE QUEEN.
She may have been rattled simply by hearing herself introduced by Jont Ravoltan as Adelea Adazi, or perhaps it was the asthma attack she suffered backstage before her performance, but it was not her best rendition. Sad, because it is a phenomenal song and it was also sped up in tempo in order to cut down on time. Here's a thought: let's axe all the endless montages next year so the songs can be performed at the right pace and artists like Adeala Adazi can have a chance to hit the notes that make the songs so special.
And who amongst us ponders whether John purposely messed up Menzel's name just to prove he's not... a huge fan of Broadway?
Second runner-up in the nude dress category: Jessica Biel. Line, drape, fit and overall design: win. Perfect choice for a presenter.
Kate Hudson was quite glamorous in this getup, also neutral and nice for a presenter. Hair down? Yes, yes. Yes.
Same for Naomi Watts. The perfect understated white beaded Calvin Klein with Bvlgari necklace in a geometric shape to echo the pattern on the handbag. Genius. Not too much, just enough.
Penelope Cruz: You continue to be nothing short of a Goddess. Keep on keeping on. You were a lovely presenter.
That's the thing about the Academy Awards: you need to choose the appropriate garb whether you are a nominee, a presenter or merely an escort. This brings us to...
Spouses and escorts! The do's and the don'ts.
DO: pick something a little less bedazzled and ultra-glam if you are with John Legend and you are model Chrissy Teigen who can probably wear anything well. However, this loud print (while fun) and high/low hemline will be very dated (and soon) and she may live to regret it, say by 2016 at the latest. But, it did have pockets, so props for that.
DO: confuse all of us with your choice if you are Camilla Alves, spouse of winner Matthew McConaughey. Some will thumbs it up, others down. Saucy is leaning towards up because it was understated and also appropriate for the cool weather in Los Angeles. Camilla has a body to die for but she chose to keep it under wraps, it was her husband's night. It was a beautiful colour for her skin tone so in general Saucy will say what Matthew probably said when he laid his eyes upon her tonight: Alright, alright, alright.
DON'T: choose a dress more suited for the station of nominee than spouse of a presenter if you are Jenna Dewan-Tatum. It's a bit too much of a "this is my moment" dress. And honey, you bagged the Sexiest Man Alive so basically we are already aware that your moment is 24/7 so quit rubbing it in already.
DO: if you are the spouse of Kellan Lutz, Olga Kurylenko, choose a bright and cheerful but unusually detailed gown sans beads and crystals. Perfectly understated, yet festive.
DO: opt for a properly fitted, flowy gown in a playful pastel gown if you are Jada Pinkett-Smith and you just never know what your daughter Willow might show up in at the after party. Your husband is already rocking the funky ascot so you played it safe, knowing any fashion spitballs would land squarely on that scarf of his.
DO: look fit and healthy and not overdone if you are Calista Flockhart, escorting Indiana Jones to an event celebrating heroes in film.
DON'T: if you are Elsa Pataky the expectant wife of Chris Hemsworth, wear a skirt that is so long your chances of tripping headfirst and landing on your baby bump made Saucy have an anxiety attack. The actual bump per se is not a problem, but next time take a cue from the impeccable Kerry Washington and Olivia Wilde. These photos will speak for themselves:
Stars take phone shots on the red carpet!
Just when Saucy was starting to warm to Lady Gaga, she shows up in this and while it's not inherently that bad, Saucy has no idea what Mother Monster was doing at the ceremony and didn't want to know. It was harsh and overdone, but at least it wasn't made of Salisbury steak.
Next stop: Gabourey Sidibe. Someone's daughter. There is nothing to say without being accused of being Regina George.
Saucy doesn't usually even address the men. Who cares about them? This year, that all changed. Let's end on this note, shall we? The ultimate palate cleanser.
It may be that Saucy has a bit of a post-Olympics letdown, but she wonders when is Red Carpet Fashion going to become an Olympic sport already?
Please, please, please, leave your comments below, whether you agreed or not. That's half the fun. And you know, Saucy spent hours searching for these pictures on the Internet for you. Guilt trip!