It was long, it was disconnected, badly lit and there were some obvious switching, audio and roll-to-tape errors. Saucy was so glad when it was over. There was only one thing left to do... and that was to critique the dresses. It's the best part, don't you think?
At least it's better than another joke about Chris Brown and Rhianna. That was so 2011, Seth MacFarlane.
Jessica Chastain was the first to show on the red carpet and she worked it like a pro. She went for a very monochromatic look, save the matte burgundy bold lip shade. That really perked the whole look up. Yes, it was beautiful, and yes, it fit perfectly, but this Armani Prive is so "been there done that" with its bronze sequin work and identical geometric patterning that was done by the designer for Anne Hathaway a couple of years ago. No real complaints but not one of Saucy's favourites.
Doe-eyed Amanda Seyfried didn't steal the show in this keyhole dress but it was lovely. It was an appropriate choice for a performer who wasn't nominated herself but the movie that she appeared in was nominated for Best Picture. Unfortunately, this gown paled in comparison to the fabulous red number she wore during that super-boring musical tribute to Les Mis. Saucy doesn't know about you, but she's glad this awards season has drawn to a close so nobody else will butcher the pronunciation of Les Miserables anymore. We get it. It's French.
Catherine Zeta-Jones wore a prom-inspired sequin gown that got a fair bit of love in the Twitterverse but Saucy can't really get on board with it. This is a great dress for a nominee, not a presenter who plans to lip-synch her entire performance.
Sandra Bullock underwhelmed a bit, too. It wasn't the dress as much as the styling - a bit of an updo would have done this look wonders and she was carrying a really atrocious handbag.
This perked things up a bit when the show lagged: did anyone else suspect that Renee Zellweger was letting her inner Bridget Jones shine through? She seemed a little out-of-it, especially when she was presenting with her fellow Chicago cast mates. And, would someone please explain the relevance of that bit? It was like the show producers sat down and decided to pay homage to the great musicals of the last seven-and-a-half years or something. Chicago? Really? Does that mean the entire cast of Les Miserables reunites in 2019 for a performance again? Jennifer Hudson's Dreamgirls number was also a puzzle. It seems like there just weren't enough Best Song nominees to fill the hours and hours of show time.
At any rate, Renee seemed unable to stand up straight, read a cue card, open an envelope or utter a coherent word. Her incapacity seems to have stretched into wardrobe selection as well.
Amy Adams, on the other hand, looked fetching in her Oscar de la Renta creation. It was the kind of thing Carrie Bradshaw would have worn in Paris while waiting for her Russian lover to come find her and take her to dinner... oh wait. Someone call the SATC costume archives! She still looked flawless.
Kerrie Washington... meh. Nice colour, nothing really wrong but nothing really special. This was not a huge moment for you. But you do not need to go home and hang your head in shame. It was nice however to see some bright colour on the carpet.
George Clooney's perennial date, Stacey Keibler, dripping in pure perfection, Edgy. Chic. Statuesque. Detailed. All in one.
Why did Jennifer Aniston get so much hate for this look from the E! network commentators when she hit the red carpet? "We expect so much more from her" they explained. Oh, Saucy gets it. Looking fit, toned and fabulous at forty-five years of age isn't enough. Wearing a smashing red gown with almost natural makeup and hair isn't good enough for you.
Saucy is going to jump to Jenn's defence. It was good. It was better than good. Y'all can take your purple hair and iffy extensions and shut it. It's getting a little old, taking fashion critique from Kelly Osbourne.
Then again, Saucy was wearing her Juicy velour pants and a PINK tee by Victoria's Secret. Kelly wins again.
Halle Berry channelled the Bond girls of the past to introduce a James Bond tribute of which she was the highlight in this gown. The mishmash of movie footage without making an attempt to assemble former Bonds and Bond girls on the stage was a total letdown. Let this Alexis-Carrington inspired look serve as a reminder to the academy that it was the only part they got right during the segment... and it wasn't even in their control.
Okay, Saucy's just gonna come straight out with it. Side boob and unfortunate nipple-enhancing dart placement. Do seamstresses even try anymore? Has Anne Hathaway never seen the cinematic masterpiece Country Strong, where an aging Gwyneth Paltrow advises Leighton Meester to never wear satin on stage because it shows all your flaws and isn't forgiving?
Out of the mouths of fictitious country singers... who knew?
Jennifer Hudson (who did not lip synch and perhaps should have) made an excellent choice for the red carpet.
Salma Hayek has about eleven kajillion dollars now after marrying a fashion tycoon. This entitles her to wear some fabulous dresses, of which this is one. However, the prom updo and tiara aren't cutting it. A visit with Saucy before hitting the red carpet would have rendered Salma left with a sleek, clean pony.
Helen Hunt is presentable but carried on the theme of the night: snooze-fest.
Oh, and PS. Jennifer Lawrence wore an identical dress to the SAG Awards. You should do your research. Or read this blog.
Naomi Watts was sexy, stunning, sparkly and well-fitted. Even her husband kept checking her out. That is a good thing. This was unlike anything else on the carpet and may have been the closest thing to a "fashion moment" this night.
And now Saucy needs to talk about the more Rubenesque of the ladies and about who got it right and who got it not-so-right. Yes, it surely must be difficult to find glamorous looks when you are of a certain size and Melissa McCarthy usually gets it right but tonight she got it dreadfully wrong. It had little support, hung in the most unfortunate ways, and still appeared to look to big from behind.
On the other hand, Adele (who by the way is very close in age to Taylor Swift but much more sensible, talented and put-together) found the right notes of glamour and structured support. She dresses so well for these events, her size isn't even the issue, allowing picky types like Saucy to pay extra attention to the detail she puts into her perfect hair and makeup. This is an all-round win.
Saucy isn't a fan of Nicole Kidman's looks on the carpet lately and this one showed more effort but still failed to inspire oohs and aaahs around here. It seemed to be missing something... some darker, bolder jewelry, a more defined hairstyle... or something. Something.
But kudos to this gal - she knows what fits her body and she works it.
Saucy is a little torn about Zoe Saldana's look. It's kind of a dichotomy of dress design... fussy and detailed on top with modern layering and ombre on the bottom. With a belt in the middle to boot. And a bow. One of these details had to go and Saucy would like to propose that just skipping the sparkly belt buckle (but keeping the belt) would have helped and perhaps repeating some of the bodice detail somewhere else would have given this look some continuity. Too many things happening. Cannot focus. Pass the Ritalin.
Jennifer Garner is also getting mixed reviews for her giant backside peplum but let's hand it to her, she's got fantastic posture. She always wears the dresses she picks and they never wear her. Saucy enjoys a little (or a lot) of detail on the back.
After creeping the webpages of various design houses this week, Saucy sort of figured someone (Jennifer Lawrence actually crossed her mind) would wear this look from Dior. Yes, it could have read a little bridal but she made the right accessory choices. Saucy may have even encouraged her to wear bolder jewelry with it, but that's being downright nitpicky.
And, let's all agree that Miss Lawrence was beyond classy and gracious after she took a tumble as she ascended the stage to get her Oscar. She is a shining beacon of light to every awkward teenager out there. This was a dress reserved for a winner.
Saucy has a bone to pick with Charlize Theron and it is this: no, it is not a wonderful and freeing experience that every woman in the world should attempt at least once, to buzz her hair right down to the scalp and grow it out. Saucy has been on meds that have thinned her hair and forced her to cut it short - and freeing it was not. Saucy (and many others) do not sport the general facial structure of you, Charlize, so please stop handing out that silly advice.
But the dress: check. And the hair on Charlize (but not Saucy): check again.
There are thousands of people in the world who do not like Kristen Stewart and Saucy happens to be several of them. Even this somewhat nice gown could not hide the fact that she is a sour, unhappy woman who does not like to attend these occasions. She seems to relish in the fact that she does not own a hair brush.
Octavia Spencer looked ravishing in designer Tadashi Shoji. Saucy wore Tadashi to the Emmy Awards a few years ago and she would also like to say... Loopy... #promhint. That is all.
So, that is that. Awards season is over and the Academy Awards provided no major hits nor misses, no Swan dresses, where is Cher when you need her, and why did several of the gentlemen and Barbra Streisand all style their hair as Lucius Malfoy/Gandalf? The entire thing was disconnected, lacklustre and a general snoozefest.
What did you think?