It was going to take something big... something really big... to get Saucy back on the blog. It's not like she was avoiding it, but she was kind of avoiding it. It started off that she was just a little too busy to update, then she had camera issues, and then she just got frustrated.
Fast-forward almost seven freaking weeks and Saucy isn't as busy, she has a new camera with all the bells and whistles, and she still found herself avoiding it. It's like something huge had to happen to give her the kick in the panties she needed.
It was the Golden Globes, people. The Golden Globes made Saucy actually want to dust off her keyboard and get back at it. Because there's nothing that Saucy loves more than intoxicated celebrities, haute couture, and awkward moments. These are the things that Saucy lurrves to talk about.
It was a little awkward when Julianne Hough arrived early with E! host Ryan Seacrest. Saucy felt sorry for her, having occasionally been to events with Veto for his job, not really knowing anyone. Julianne has a key advantage over Saucy in that she accompanies her sweetheart to the Golden Globes rather than a dinner made entirely from pulse crops. Saucy's advice to Julianne is to keep parading around looking fabulous, accessorizing neutral gowns with plum handbags, and say as many positive things as you can about the chickpea and lentil soup.
Saucy adored Amy Adams' ballerina look from head to toe but the extreme length of the gown was especially awkward when the actress revealed she was wearing four-inch platforms and the skirt was still too long. Well, Saucy supposes that if the dress has to be returned to the designer on Monday, one must not cut several inches off the bottom.
There was another awkward moment when more than one of Saucy's followers suggested she restyle Amanda Seyfried's gown for a Cheerio photo shoot.
Hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey kept the awkward moments at everyone else's expense (as it should be) showing up in custom couture and looking glamorous but with mischievous twinkles in their eyes.
Did anyone else think it was awkward when Anne Hathaway bogarted the microphone because she forgot to thank her publicist? She still managed to look svelte and chic even though she was quite obviously bombed.
That awkward moment when Claire Danes looks better in her gown (see Jessica Chastain, below) even though she gave birth just a few weeks ago. It was the perfect cut and fit for her post-baby shape. Only when she turned just-so could you see the very discernible retro bump happening.
The entire bottom half of Jessica's dress is awkward. Featuring mom-jean pleats in the front and a shapeless flat back shape it took unflattering to a whole new level. Her colouring is gorgeous but that hairstyle made her look like she just stepped off her shift at Disneyland having her photo taken as Ariel The Little Mermaid.
That awkward moment when Saucy forgot all about the show Smash until someone asked Debra Messing about it on the red carpet. She looked very nice, though.
That awkward moment, when ten minutes later, Saucy again forgot about the show Smash and that it was still on the air until Katherine McPhee showed up in this racy little number. She also looked nice and Saucy appreciated the detail of the textured fabric and the illusion strap on the shoe.
No awkwardness for Emily Blunt... who doesn't enjoy gold with pink gems?
This was awkward for a few reasons. Saucy does not recognize this person therefore it is awkward to be commenting on her attire. Say what you will. Saucy did notice however, that she was seated at a key table in the front of the room and looked extremely bored/tired/irritated all night. That, and the unfortunate black strap across her chest that appeared to be some sort of migrating lap band made the entire episode... say it with Saucy... awkward.
PS. Saucy's intel tells her this is Cody Horn from Magic Mike. That explains it. Saucy wasn't paying attention to anyone but Mike. Again... awkward.
That awkward moment when Halle Berry always looks fabulous but shows just a bit too much skin. Why expose your left hip? What is the statement? And yes, it is awkward to fit the bodice of your gown so that one breast is free to breathe and the other is taut under the corsetry of a makeshift tube top.
As regular readers know, Saucy finds Heidi Klum perennially awkward and for this reason she will not go into unmerciful detail regarding the height and width of the slit, the strange shifting of the midseams NOR THE REASON SHE IS INVITED AGAIN.
That awkward moment when Eva Longoria attempted to recreate Angelina Jolie's pose from last year, but without Brad Pitt, who made it visually palpable.
That awkward moment when the demure Isla Fisher appears to be entirely too good for Sascha Baron Cohen.
We may not agree on this, but Saucy found the structure of Jennifer Lawrence's dress awkward in that the bust line appeared to be almost conical in shape. It was far more apparent when she was being interviewed on the red carpet than in still photos... but she awkwardly borrowed some gentleman's tuxedo upon entering the dining room and kept it on for most of the night, removing it only to accept her award and make an extremely awkward speech.
Nothing overly awkward about Jennifer Garner's look. She made a reasonable choice to come on the arm of her Best-Director husband Ben Affleck... not too attention-seeking on his night.
Did you find the melon lipstick matched to Jessica Alba's gown a tad awkward? Saucy did, but she thought the handbag was flirty and inspired.
Some found JLo's gown awkwardly attention-seeking but Saucy enjoyed the idea of it. Let's face it, there are very few women in the world who could even attempt such a look, and she is one of them. Would this have been more or less awkward had the lace been black, you ask? No, it still would have skated the line between couture gown and ice-dancing costume.
Awkwardly, Julie Bowen left the gown shopping to the last minute and opted to create a caftan out of her living room drapery, Scarlett-O'Hara-style. Or perhaps these is her satin bedding... no matter. Awkward times five.
Since it was also Julia Louis-Dreyfus' birthday, Saucy will go out on a limb and say that she actually liked the Vera Wang gown she donned for the event. It is one of those creations that may look like a camouflage tent from a distance but upon closer examination appears to be a fine effort by Vera to explore modern corsetry with those copious layers of tulle she is so fond of playing with.
There were two awkward hair moments on the red carpet, but unfortunately Saucy can only document one. They were both provided by bad extensions. Kate Hudson had a fashion-forward gown with great detailing but when she turned to speak and made her presentation, it was apparent that her extensions weren't blending with her long layers. The dress... fine. The extensions, not so much.
Saucy found a few photos of Julianna Margulies hugging George Clooney on the red carpet, but could find none of the extremely awkward long ponytail extensions that were laying flat whilst her natural length hair poked out of the pony in the most telltale-way. Now, that my friends, that is awkward.
That awkward moment when usually Tom Ford can do no wrong but he nails "wrong" on poor Julianne Moore. Saucy understands the Ford aesthetic but this did poor Julie no favours, especially on the backside.
That awkward moment when Rachel Weisz tried to pull off some sort of short skirt/long skirt look. It's like the next incarnation of the mullet skirt... why? The shiny belt. The excess fabric at the hemline.
The solution? Either complete the opaque skirt to the floor or chop it off at the knee, but commit already.
And then... the even more awkward moment when Kerrie Washington nails the same look. It must be the attention to detail, the unusual colour choice and her hair being more modern. This one works.
We are used to awkward moments from Lea Michele so thankfully she spared us tonight and opted for her standby sex-kitten look with copious body art to prove that yes, we are aware, you are not Rachel Berry. We get it.
That awkward moment when Kristen Bell looks amazing in this maternity gown and the entire Twitterverse wondered aloud if Kate Middleton will steal this look.
Also, for Kristen's sake, Saucy hopes the newborn babe looks a little like a sloth. It's a long story but it would make Ms. Bell very happy indeed.
That awkward moment when Kristen Wiig looked downright sexy and fabulous. We are so used to seeing her as The Target Lady.
The hemline of Zoey Deschanel's Oscar de la Renta gown was slightly awkward in that it appeared to be completely uneven, and not in the way that it looked planned... it looked like old Oscar ran out of fabric or perhaps they did the final fitting on a wobbler game.
It was so very awkward to watch Lena Dunham of Girls to amble up to the stage to present her awards in heels that were far too high for her comfort. The chocolate brown satin dress was a catastrophe enough, but she should have worn a pair of flip-flops underneath for her own survival.
Humourously awkward? When Ryan Seacrest bypassed Megan Fox to ask her husband Brian Austin Green about her birth experience. Clearly, Hollywood is unsure whether or not this woman can put together a coherent sentence... but she really can put together a red carpet look. Obviously she pays someone for it.
That awkward moment when Marion Cotillard could have pulled off this almost-shapeless look had it just fallen to the floor and covered those hideous orange pumps.
That awkward moment when Saucy might try to defend Lucy Liu's choice of this printed gown with panniers. Saucy has always had a soft spot for any fashion that tips a hat to Marie Antoinette and this might be it. Also, it apparently looked so much better in person, and for that you will just have to take Lucy's word for it.
Is it awkward when nobody really cares what Nicole Kidman shows up in anymore? Regardless, it was McQueen, it was acceptable and she seems to have cut back on the botox.
That awkward moment when Naomi Watts could use a ham sandwich so the ribs on her back are less prominent. On a positive note, she was one of the few celebrities not complaining about the "extreme cold" on the red carpet, possibly because of her sleeves and choice of heavier fabric. Cry Saucy a river and have another glass of champagne. Saucy has to warm up her Jeep for ten minutes tomorrow morning in a balmy -26 degrees. She will be wearing long underwear under her yoga pants... talk about awkward.
That awkward moment when Saucy realizes it's almost too late to jump on the Downton Abbey bandwagon but her wisdom teeth come out on Thursday and she wishes there was a way she could spend the weekend in a drug-induced stupor watching a marathon. That being said, even though she has no frame of reference for Michele Dockery or her look, it makes her more determined to start watching the show. This dress is a tad Edwardian, and Saucy digs it.
That awkward moment when Nicole Ritchie continues to evolve into a glamorous, old-Hollywood style that is always appropriate and suitable. The funky handbag keeps the look from being stodgy.
That awkward moment when Sienna Miller appears to have pinched a look from any number of places but number one on the list is the archived wardrobe from The Love Boat. She tried to evoke a sixties feel as a nod to actress Tippi Hedren whom she portrayed in The Girl, but if any birds saw those protruding butterflies and flowers from the fabric, she may have found herself in an uncomfortable - and ironic - situation.
Kudos to Salma Hayek for avoiding all awkward moments fashion-wise but earned top honours in the awkward presenter category. Google it.
Like Jessica Chastain before her, Rosario Dawson attempts to wear an aqua gown fashioned from a heavier fabric. The cut and the peplum are unflattering and she put her cleavage in the awkward position of competing with her tummy and hips for attention.
There is nothing overly awkward about Stacy Keibler's look except for the fact that if this isn't enough to make George pop the question, what else is there? As Loopy is so fond of saying, awks.
That awkward moment when Taylor Swift arrives without a date, looking pretty fabulous, keeping an eye out for Kanye West... or her next potential soul mate.
Another awkward moment when Sofia Vergara manages to look more tasteful than in previous years but still channels Jessica Rabbit.
And last but not least... the most awkward moment when, after being awarded full custody of Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster confirms after years of speculation that she is in fact a blabbermouth. She lectured on the value of privacy while unloading her sexual preference, her mother's failing health and dementia and making a cryptic announcement about retirement at the age of fifty. Did Saucy miss anything? Oh, right... she thanked her publicist. Appearing simultaneously haughty and humble, she referred to her cleavage - but generally held up her end of the bargain: to look glamourous as she made what might be the most talked-about Globe speeches ever.
Saucy can now hardly wait for thirty years from now for Anne Hathaway to make her Cecil B. Demille lifetime achievement award speech. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of her choice of wedding headpiece.
Reader, did you find the Globes awkward this year? Are you happy that Saucy is back? Do you still want to hear about the Snowfall dance and see Saucy's Christmas tree (the one she took down just today - talk about awkward)... do you want a rundown on The Cheerios season so far? They had their first competition this weekend. Saucy actually has pictures.