It's been just over ten days since Saucy had two of her wisdom teeth removed. She'd like to report that she's feeling fabulous, she's at her fighting weight and she has plenty to say. Alas, she's still more down and out than up and at it. Because she wants to be perfectly honest with you - and this may gross you out - she's got some funny side effects.
Like, her face is numb. And she's drooling. How very unsexy. Like, someone get Justin Timberlake, now.
She's only checking in to say "hi" and see what you thought about the dresses at the SAG Awards. She thinks that by picking apart the wardrobe choices of beautiful, famous women at the height of their beauty she might feel better about the fact that there is a thin, steady stream of spit pouring out of the left side of her mouth and her dentist reminded her that "this stuff is more prone to happen when you're old."
For instance, Saucy is the exact same age as Nicole Kidman. Nicole isn't wearing flannel cupcake pyjamas and wiping her face with hand towels every twenty minutes. Just looking at that gorgeous navy beaded sheath makes Saucy wince with a bit more pain. This is the pain of jealousy.
Actress Nina Dobrev sparkled in a form-fitting bright gown with peekaboo slashes. This is the kind of sexy Saucy would like to be if she didn't sound like a drunk stroke victim.
However, the kind of sexy that Naya Rivera brought was just a tad too much. Saucy likes the entire look, sans the cleavage. Ladies, can we just keep a tiny bit left to the imagination?
Yes, for those of you in the know, Saucy wore a shirt like that once. Just once. She'll never, ever regret it.
It was back when she had all her teeth.
Oh, and let's also discuss the side-boob, a new fashion revolution! Saucy is not for it. Are you? Michelle Dockery went for it... had she one more inch of opacity on that front bib, she would look just fabulous. Beyond fabulous.
The problem with the side-boob on this particular look is that it is distracting. Look away for ten seconds and then look back.
Oh, Tina Fey, you can do no wrong right now in Saucy's poor eyes. The end of 30Rock draws near this Thursday and we will all be worse off for it.
Thank you for being chic tonight!
To Amy Poehler, thank you for being the Second Lady of Comedy as well as the Second Lady of Chic tonight... throwing that green snakeskin bag into your ensemble makes Saucy lurrve you even more.
And to Anne Hathaway, thank you for being generally chic above the waist but channeling Demi Moore's bike short mishap below the waist! Not chic.
About Ariel Winter Saucy is generally undecided but since she is as young as The Cheerios themselves Saucy will not say anything negative. It is a sweet (but fussy) look... and age appropriate, so there. Good for her!
In fashion, Saucy does not usually "get" Zac Posen but this look on Amanda Seyfried is quite nice and Saucy is the first one to point out that the styling - the long necklace and sideswept hair - turn this look from drab to fab.
Maybe even a few shorter strands of necklace may have propelled this look further.
Claire Danes: Ugh. Do not like.
Freida Pinto in hot hot pink: this is really cute. The draping makes her look a little top heavy (and she's not) so Saucy assumes this was designed for a taller gal. Also, Jennifer Lawrence did this hot pink with black ribbon thing last awards season, so been there, done that.
This is quite a seafoam green getup on Ellie Kemper. It's a gorgeous colour for her skin and hair but something needs to be done about that folded bow at her waist. It really doesn't need to be there.
(Saucy says this as she pulls a hand towel from the waistline of her pyjama bottoms to wipe her face). Classy.
Here's a loaded statement: Saucy likes the dress that January Jones chose. She just hates the cropped, slicked hairdo, the tangerine lips and the cross, pouty face.
Seriously... squint and hold your thumb over her face. Again, it's sometimes up to the stylist and the person wearing the garment.
Helen Hunt looked fab in top-to-toe dull silver sequins. And why was Twitter abuzz about her having had "work done" to look this good? As if everyone there hasn't had "work done." As if Saucy wouldn't have "work done" if she had the chance or she thought it wouldn't leave her permanently disfigured. As if Saucy won't have to get "work done" to recover from this dental catastrophe, which has added ten years to her face.
Generally, nobody cares what Guiliana Rancic wears but Saucy would like to address her silly behaviour on the red carpet. You are an interviewer madam, nobody cares if you juggle nor what the next dance craze is. This is not Laugh In. Stay at home with your child the next time you want to get down and "make it rain," Saucy will gladly step in and ask the celebrities about their fashion choices.
And strictly speaking, Saucy is tired of Kelly Osbourne's purple hair already. It is so 2011. It is also completely distracting from the tasteful nature of this gown by Jenny Packham.
Jayma Mays: cute, cute, cute. Please cancel Glee now. It's not good anymore.
Jennifer Lawrence played it safe in navy. She lifted that overskirt up to step onstage when accepting her award and revealed the netting and whatnot underneath. Since she should have anticipated that she had a very high chance of winning at this ceremony after winning a Golden Globe, she should have also anticipated the skirt-lift scenario. She loses points for not planning ahead.
Jessica Chastain loses points for looking like Jessica Rabbit. She gains points for not hiding underneath layers of bad draping (see Golden Globes post, below).
Jennifer Garner: Hmmm... the jury is still out. Saucy is drooling again but it's probably medical and has nothing to do with your look but just to be on the safe side, she will reserve judgement in print. It may actually be a nice dress.
Jordin Sparks, wearing something nice and tasteful but a little forgettable and in need of some sort of accessory and apparently, shoes.
This is Kerrie Washington looking trendy in a two-piece. It reads a little "bridal," but whatever.
Poor Lea Michele, sometimes she gets it so right and other times she gets it so wrong! Have you ever seen that scene in The Prince & Me when Julia Stiles is being fitted for the coronation gown in a pink muslin fitting gown? This is that gown. No, Saucy is completely being serious. It's just unfinished and undone. The ring and earrings are great but the dress is just a terrible, terrible blob of pink taffeta. This, Dear Friends, reads "bridesmaid" all the way down the red carpet.
Usually, Lea Michele gets knocked for attempting to look like a vixen, or a young Sofia Vergara.
Sofia Vergara's dress... imagine if it were not shiny material and then imagine some nice shoes. Then imagine Lea Michele wearing it. Better, right?
There really are no words to describe this look on Rose Byrne except to infer that the words would not be nice and Saucy will keep them to herself. This would be an okay look to wear to a wedding as a guest in a garden. And even then, it is a widening look that Ms. Byrne has chosen many times before and seems to like.
Naomi Watts looked elegant and unfussy in a terribly fussy detailed gown. Those blue-grey nails helped quite a bit.
Those shoes, while being super fun and all, are just a tad overpowering for the otherwise interesting gown chosen by Julianna Margulies. This is probably one of those gowns one "has to see in person" to appreciate as you might notice in the closeup there is some interesting detail between the colour blocking. But the shoes, no. Just no.
And lastly... as her pain meds wear off and as Girls starts in just a few minutes... Saucy would like to go out on a limb and say that Marion Cotillard looked really lovely in this (ugh, dare we say it) mullet gown. The high/low dress. Whatever you want to call it... it is a dangerous look because it puts you in precariously trendy territory should you choose it. The look in general will always scream "I wore this in 2013" and unless it is your school formal, that scream is one you should avoid. Somehow, this crossed over into the timeless category and Saucy can only attribute the styling. The perfect pointed pump, the short dark nails, the cropped bob and beaded clutch... and the watch. Dear God, The Watch.