49 golden globe dresses

Let's just jump right into it, shall we?

Dear Amanda Peet,

Saucy is at a complete loss for words about this hideous monstrosity of a getup. This is simply a four-part tutu. What state of mind were you in when you chose this? One can only assume you were under some kind of influence and Saucy sincerely hopes that you are shortly admitted to rehab and then she will forgive you this fashion transgression.

Dear Angelina Jolie,

We've had our differences in the past, but you have once again pulled a hat trick out of your heavily tattooed ass. This daring, structured grecian gown could only be pulled off by a true vixen and that is what you are, lady. Your ink is still ghastly and it is unfathomable how you can wear it so proudly.

Dear Charlize Theron,

This soft flowing, bespoke gown is reminsicent of Old Hollywood in the 1930's and you once again find your comfort zone in your contractually-obligated choice of Dior gown. However, the bow at your hip is verging somewhere near the comical zone and don't think Saucy doesn't see that body art on your right foot. You'd better not get carried away with that bitnitch or you'll end up looking like Angie (see above).

Dear Claire Danes,

Your choices are sartorially subversive without ever crossing the line of "costume." How do you do that? If this dress were to be on say, Tilda Swinton, Saucy would hate it. But somehow your innocent demeanour and endless talent is the perfect accessory.

Dear Debra Messing,

Saucy has sorely missed you, you have no idea. Welcome back to the red carpet. Although she is extremely skeptical of your new vehicle Smash, she is grateful that NBC decided to promote it by sending you to the Globes. The fit, the flare, the emeralds... this is dazzling.

Dear Diane Lane,

This is safe, tidy and glamorous. You look particularly fetching and you exude an understated elegance. Saucy has nothing negative to say about you lest she appear just plain jealous.

xoxo

Dear Dianna Agron,

You have made not only Saucy's best dressed list but also you are officially the best dressed cast member of Glee. Unfortunately, this was almost a hands-down win for you this year as the other ladies did not even put up much competition (see below).

Laser-cut swans for the win!

Dear Elle Macpherson,

This frock is a 50/50 tossup. If this were a movie about cancer, you might not survive until the end of this post. The bangles and clutch are great and your tousled locks look better than ever. Closer examination reveals odd details, particularly on the back of this dress that appear you might be attempting to sprout a pair of Victoria's Secret angel wings. Some hardcore fashionistas are lauding this already but Saucy is closer to loathing it.

Dear Emma Stone,

This lean unstructured gown is downright delicious. It's daring but covering, it's the right shade of plum and red. The way the skirt moved when you walked just made Saucy want to rip the Giant Tiger curtains from the dining room window and belt them with the hideous western butterfly buckle she's had in her bottom drawer since 1980.

Nobody can emulate this look but many will try. Your makeup and hair are also divine. You are officially Saucy's new favourite ginger.

Dear Evan Rachel Wood,

Applause! Nailed it.

Oh, and are you still with Marilyn Manson? Just wondering. If you are, do you share mascara? Gross.

Dear Heidi Klum,

In spite of our history, Saucy is loathe to admit that you looked quite good this year. Coral always looks nice with turquoise and you look tall, lean and comfortable for a change.

Saucy has a bra question for you so please inbox her on Facebook later.

Dear Mila Kunis,

This is terribly lovely, but safe and you've done it before. Don't ride on your own coattails from last year. You can still push the envelope.

Dear Kate Winslet,

You have struck the perfect note for the Golden Globes - dressy and formal but not too formal. Black and white are such a classic mix and you've paired them with the perfect accessories. 

Dear Reese Witherspoon,

Saucy sees that you like to serve up your revenge in a dish that is red hot, right down to your nail beds. You kept it young and fresh by eschewing the giant necklace and letting your hair fall down around your shoulders. It looks a tad uncomfortable but sometimes, fashion is pain. You get it.

Poor old Ryan whats-his-name.

Dear Octavia Spencer,

Apparently you got the memo that some of the other, ahem, larger ladies missed in previous years. A delicate balance of structure, ruching and detail provide you with a great silhouette.

While you were accepting your award Saucy could not help but think, please God, let Octavia Spencer live a long and healthy life. She seems like such a nice lady and it would be horrible to die young and have Sherri Sheppard portray her in a movie.

Fasten your seat belt,
Saucy

Dear Jessica Alba,

This look is subdued and charming. You are lightly accessorized with thousands of dollars of diamonds. We should all be so damned lucky.

Dear Julianne Moore,

Saucy thinks you were a wee bit tipsy on stage tonight. Sure, the teleprompter can be a bother, but you kept yabbering to Rob Lowe while the acceptance speech was happening and you were a little too giggly and wobbly on your feet. You are forgiven most of it for wearing this black gown with emeralds.

Saucy hopes you aren't too sad that you have been usurped by Emma Stone as Favourite Ginger.

Dear Jessica Biel,

Trying too hard. Backwards necklace. Ugh. This is officially a hot mess.

Dear Freida Pinto,

What up, girl? You usually hit this stuff out of the park. This gown was entirely too big and flouncy for your petite frame. The side view was beyond unfortunate. It appeared that you might be attempting to smuggle a few orphans under that skirt into the event for a free meal.

If this is how things are going to go down, it's back to Mumbai with you.

Dear Jessica Chastain,

It's a tad severe but perhaps you were trying to invoke the fashion feelings of the 1960's because you were nominated for The Help. Still, girdles are not cool.

Dear Amy Poehler,

You are such a funny lady and one can only guess what a hoot you would be over a cup of coffee. It can be supposed from seeing this photo that you are easily swayed by sales clerks. This is shapeless and flat. How can something trimmed with crystals be so dull?

Dear Julianna Margulies,

Enough with the severe pulled-back hair and super harsh gowns already. You're starting to look like Grace Slick.

Dear Kate Beckinsdale,

This look is pretty, polished and perfect. Are you sad that you are the star of the second-biggest movie vampire franchise?

Dear Katherine McPhee,

This look was so safe that it was booooring. Someone wake Saucy up already! Perhaps if it had been full length and accessorized a wee bit, you would have not fallen so flat. Because of this, Saucy might not even tune in to see Smash, in spite of your co-star Debra Messing's polished look.

Dear Lea Michelle,

Hmmm... well, Saucy can only be honest with you and she must tell you that she instantly recognized your dress as being a Marchesa the moment you stepped up to Ryan Seacrest's microphone. Do you not remember the short-sleeve version of this dress that Sandra Bullock wore to the Oscars a couple of years ago? The smoky tone and long sleeves only lend to the Ice Capades vibe. Thus, you are rendered a poor-man's cross between recent Sandra Bullock and early model Halle Berry.

Dear Rooney Mara,

For starters, the dress is a hit. Lurrve. It was just a tad too long at the front and you were thisclose to tripping several times. But the style, design and fit of the bodice were perfection.

The hair, a miss. What up, girlfriend? We get that you got all method actress on us and chopped your hair off for your movie... but... extensions! Like, seriously. A little nub of a ponytail like that is just so - unfinished.

If you were one of The Cheerios, Saucy would go to the dollar store and buy a hideous fake ponytail and sew it to your nubbin with a zip tie. Legit.

PS. Saucy apologizes profusely for calling you Mara Rooney. It was a little late at night and she knows better. You have to admit, it makes more sense. xo

Dear Paula Patton,

It's cool to wear yellow. Happy people wear yellow. You really popped on the red carpet. Saucy didn't really love your whole look but she didn't really hate it, either. What saved you from being worst-dressed is the fact that you had to work with Tom Cruise this year and you are also married to Robin Thicke, who appears to be a huge douche. Saucy feels sorry for you.

Dear Nicole Ritchie,

Well, well, well. Who would have thought back when life was simple that you would someday still be in the public eye, on the arm of a successful composer husband? Your dress is a very typical choice for you but unlike Amy Poehler (above) you are in your wheelhouse when it comes to slinky, shiny fabric.

Paris Hilton was watching from home on her television, while she babysat your kids for you, right?

Dear Michelle Williams,

Aren't you just the sweetest? First of all, you seem so darn nice that Saucy will forgive you starring opposite her secret boyfriend Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine. Your win tonight for My Week with Marilyn was very satisfying, as was your acceptance speech. 

You do, however, have a few weeks before the Oscars roll around to hire a stylist. You need to steer clear of leopard-dotted velveteen and Hillary Clinton headbands. You are not fourteen.

Dear Kelly Osbourne,

Who said you have to dye your hair to match your gown? Just when Saucy was starting to have some real respect for you. This whole thing is just wrong, wrong and wrong.

You might lose your job at Fashion Police over this one. This is why Zac Posen is one of Saucy's least favourite designers. You cannot trust that man.

Dear Madge,

You are just pushed and jammed into this hideous contraption. The skirt was a mess of ribbons and rags but the worst part of all was the way the bodice and sleeves fit over your yoga-induced musculature. Ick. Yes, you're in great shape for a woman of seventy, but jeeez. Your guns need to get covered up. They were distracting... but Saucy still heard you refer to your "masterpiece" in your acceptance speech.

Cover up, then shut up. Sorry, someone had to say it.

Dear Viola Davis,

You hit this one right out of the park tonight and if Saucy could only offer one teeny, tiny piece of constructive criticism, your slit could have been three inches shorter. That is all.

Dear Mary J. Blige,

Saucy feels like she can say this to you... some of her best friends are blonde. Saucy is blonde. You, Miss Blige, you are not blonde. Also, please invest in the appropriate undergarments for future events.

Dear Nicole Kidman,

The press is loving this look but Saucy finds it fussy and structured in a forced sort of way. Step away from the Rhinestone and Stud Setter - Saucy was sure that when she hawked that thing on eBay to a buyer named craftyaussie22 that it was probably you.

Dear Natalie Portman,

Fashion's darling takes a fall and wears the same gown as the Homecoming Queen from Hoboken High School, 1986. 'Twas a very good year.

Dear Naya Rivera,

What did you do to make Vera Wang so unhappy with you? This looks like some sort of Home Economics semester final. That seam right up the front of it does the bias cut no justice at all. The white fingernail polish is distracting as well.

Dear Sara Hyland,

You appear wise beyond your years and this D&G gown works nicely on your tiny frame. Even though it broke apart and you had to be sewn into it - on the red carpet no less - you kept your composure. Well done.

Dear Shailene Woodley,

This is very soft and sophisticated and you kept the look fresh and youthful by not over accessorizing. However, it must be noted that the bodice appeared to fit quite low, leaving you slumped over at times lest you be the victim of a malfunction. Otherwise, you might just have a really large collarbone area and you might have benefitted from some sort of necklace up there.

Anyone else seeing this?

Dear Salma Hayek,

Saucy did not like your harsh beaded gown one bit. She was however, distracted by your hair. On the red carpet and during interviews it was apparent that either:

a) you are somewhat overdue to have your roots touched up and you are growing out some heavy highlights, or

b) you are wearing extensions underneath that are three shades too light.

At any rate, it was distracting enough that what you chose to wear does not matter anymore.

Dear Sofia Vergara,

Vera Wang likes you much more than she likes Naya Rivera. The only qualm Saucy has with this mermaid gown is that Vera has been doing those ripped plaits on wedding gowns for about five years now and it's time for all of us to move on. She even has an affordable line of these garments at David's Bridal now. 

Do you really want to be the lady who wore something from David's Bridal to the Golden Globes?

Dear Tina Fey,

It's about time you made the commitment to Oscar de la Renta and stuck with it. Finally, you're making some decent choices and you are even expanding your repertoire to include colour, which is a nice departure from your typical all-black, I'm-funny-but-look-like-I-just-left-a-fancy-funeral vibe.

Dear Stacey Keibler,

Congratulations on being George Clooney's flavour of the month. The flavour appears to be a cheery cherry, served in a complete smackdown.

Dear Piper Perabo,

This is a ghastly mess. It appears to have rendered you flat and misshapen on top and completely overwhelmed on the bottom. Why would you choose to spend your fifteen minutes in this?

Also, you acted like a twit on the red carpet. Dancing? Twirling? Blowing kisses and giggling like an Asian schoolgirl? Puh-leeze.

Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Monique Lhuillier has played a wretched trick on you. It appears that she broke a ball point pen in her showroom and it damaged one of her less shapely wedding gowns. She convinced you that it was fashion forward and you bought it hook, line and pen cap. Not even Tide To Go can save you now.

Dear Melissa McCarthy,

A more careful fabric selection would have rendered this dress more flattering. Yes, jersey packs well. Also, the Snookie pouf is best reserved for The Cheerios at competition time... and Snookie. 'nuf said.

Dear Zoey Deschanel,

This is a somewhat hit bordering on complete miss and it is probably your hair that has veered you off the track. It is too poufy and overwhelming and acts like a giant bookend with that black skirt. Also, the lime clutch is made to match and that's just a cruel joke. You could have salvaged this entire look by wearing your hair back and carrying a black or silver clutch. 

Saucy and Loopy still lurrve you. Your sister, not so much...

Dear Emily Deschanel,

What gives? This is another jersey fabric train wreck. Did you execute this yourself? Did you have a hot flash and remove one of your sleeves in the limo? Did you hear somewhere that it was flattering to have excess fabric draped across your bustline, hips and thighs? If so, you are subscribing to the wrong magazine. 

Dear Busy Phillips,

You are a good friend to Michelle Williams... you were there as her date for the evening. Somehow, you thought to wear a macrame plant hanger from the 1970's recreation room and proved to be the perfect foil for her velvet leopard headband disaster. You two need to take a break from shopping Goodwill.

Dear Tilda Swinton,

Your presence at this event was nothing more than a present for Saucy. Thank you for once again providing her with a deep, satisfying belly laugh better than any brought from Ricky Gervais himself.

Please, don't change one little bit.

See you at The Oscars! Forty nine days and counting.