Last night's Academy Awards officially end the dress mocking season. If Saucy has accomplished nothing in the past few weeks (she's accomplished plenty, but she has yet to accomplish blogging about her accomplishments) she has at the very least confounded some readers with her fashion decrees from this page.
With this final wrap up of award dresses for 2011, Saucy wants to share a few other thoughts about the Oscars with you:
Firstly, although macabre, she secretly relishes the In Memoriam portion of the show, she finds it sweet and plaintive, set to sappy music and peppered with just enough agents and writers that it makes her wonder if the Academy left anyone out.
Second, the Academy's attempt to lure a young demographic really fell flat. Most college students were likely high and wondering who the old guy with the cane and the gay escort was.
Also, she's pretty sure that James Franco was high for most of the event. He didn't seem to know it was Kirk Douglas, either.
Lastly, she kind of prays for a fashion disaster or two. It keeps things interesting in an endless sea of dreadful acceptance speeches and musical numbers by Gwyneth Paltrow.
And now... on with the dresses! Saucy knows from the general consensus on Twitter what most people think of the frocks, and she might just defend a disaster or condemn one of your favourites. Let's still be friends.
Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer: Case in point. Vehemently regarded with hate on the Internet... Saucy found some beauty in this unusual choice. Agreed, the lace over gold lame is a little gaudy, and the bug necklace is enough to make this arachnophobe run for cover. However, the shape is really nice on her and the overlay made a neat effect on the red carpet. It's a pleasant neckline and the Oscar winner really didn't try to do anything severe or crazy... she looks comfortable and kinda sexy. Win.
Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott: It's a beautiful dress, but Saucy wants to point out that the actress is dripping in a mere 1.25 million dollars worth of jewels and the gown is valued at $30,000.00. At this point, Saucy doesn't feel the least bit guilty about buying Loopy three new tee shirts at Forever 21 over the weekend. At any rate... if you lose the accessories, it's still a very nice gown. Win.
Reese Witherspoon in Armani Prive: It seems like everyone is in love with Reese, and in love with this look. Saucy can't help but feel that she's seen it before... it's nice... it's safe... but it's neither interesting nor fashion forward. Reese saves the overall look by employing two packages of Raquel Welch hair extensions into a high, sixties-inspired ponytail reminiscent of Elle Woods herself. So perky! The emerald drop earrings help make this look work. Win.
Busy Philips in It Really Doesn't Matter: When you can't even find the name of the dress designer on the Internet, it's not a good sign. For the actress, or the designer. Perhaps nobody wants to take credit for this monstrosity that makes a B-lister look like a pregnant guppy fish... or Heidi Klum, who thankfully, was missing in action for once last night. Lose.
Marisa Tomei in Saucy Can't Find Out Who: Are we sensing a pattern here, people? It's not as bad as Busy's frock, but it's still not great. It kind of fits like a train wreck in places and her earrings look like bottle caps. Tim Gunn threw a few offhanded compliments her way but couldn't bring himself to actually say she looked good. Lose.
Cate Blanchett in Givenchy: You may hate on it, but Saucy lurrves. Why? The actress was presenting the costuming category... so she really should bring the haute couture with her. This isn't so much a gown as it is a work of art. It is shape and sculpture brought to life with fabric. Saucy could get all Art Teacher on you right now and yabber on about texture, draping, repetition and structure, but she won't lest she bore you as much as a Randy Newman singalong. She will just point out that brilliant little bit of yellow on the shoulder and that yellow is a complimentary colour of violet... and that just made Saucy lurrve it even more. Cate's casually disheveled hair and unfussy earrings make this look a win.
To further elaborate, this dress is kind of like high art. You don't have to hang that stuff in your house to appreciate it. You just have to try to appreciate it sometimes for what it is... art.
Michele Williams in Chanel: The beaded column sheath isn't Saucy's favourite look ever worn by Miss Williams, but it works on the petite actress with a fresh pixie cut. However, it was a little bland and needed one long Chanel-inspired necklace or a pair of cuff bracelets. At any rate, not enough reason to fail her. Win. Barely.
Helena Bonham Carter in Colleen Atwood: You were waiting for this one, weren't you? Saucy can't seem to muster up a full-on hate for it. HBC is almost always going to wear somewhat of a corset, given her penchant for odd Victorian getups and being married to Tim Burton. It's black, and apparently she was wearing matching shoes so she gets points for that. The slits in the sleeves make it unusual enough that the actress gravitated towards it but not so unusual that Saucy has that little throw up feeling she usually gets after an HBC red carpet sighting.
Given her past performance Saucy feels it only fair to hold Helena to a lower standard than the rest of her peers. Therefore, win.
Annette Bening in Who the Hell Wants to Take Credit for This?: And so it goes... another nameless dress. It's just kind of awkward and stripy and really did nothing for her. Lose.
Nicole Kidman in Dior: Just when we thought Nicole Kidman had come back to her fashion senses, she dishes up this disaster. This look is also known as: the Chinese restaurant will need its tablecloths back by Tuesday. Lose.
Virginia Madsen in Romona Keveza: This dress answers the age-old question, whatever became of the top part of Bjork's swan dress? The entire dress as well as the hairdo is just too fuzzy. Also, with a fuzzy dress, one need not wear elaborate earrings. Lose.
Halle Berry in Marchesa: Well, it's Halle Berry, after all. She's beautiful and adorable. She always over-embellishes, that's kind of her thing now. Lots of beads and feathers and lace and tulle. She repeatedly dresses like an Ice Capades headliner. It's nothing new for her, but there's nothing wrong with it. Win.
Celine Dion in Armani Prive: Well, it's Celine Dion, after all. She's pretentious and irritating. However, she's done much worse on the red carpet (backwards white tuxedo, anyone?) and she recently gave birth to twins so Saucy is prepared to cut her a little slack. Plus, she sang to the dead people and you know how much Saucy enjoys that part, so, win.
Florence Welch in Valentino: This is quite possibly a hideous gown in its inception and its execution, but for an alt musician like Florence, it kinda works. On anyone else, lose. On Flo, win.
Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood: The designer redeems herself after the Helena Bonham Carter disaster at the Golden Globes. Dame Mirren looks tasteful and regal in this odd colour that's neither grey, brown, nor silver. A nod of approval to the fit and her figure as well. Win.
Hilary Swank in Gucci: Feathers are the thing right now... but this look really, really needed a pair of earrings. There's not much else at fault except the look is worn by Hilary Swank, so in spite of that, win.
Saucy can't really elaborate about her feelings against Hilary Swank, except to say that they are negative and she has them. She is convinced that Jennifer Garner, Natalie Portman and Hilary Swank are siblings. Natalie is the popular cheerleader, Jennifer is the missing link and Hilary is the brother.
Mandy Moore in Monique Lhuillier: Nobody really misses Mandy Moore as a singer. Nobody misses Mandy Moore as an actress, but at least she didn't make a huge fashion mistake. The gown was gorgeous. Win.
Natalie Portman in Rodarte: Hilary's popular sister took home her statuette in an eggplant maternity gown. She tiptoed away from John Galliano after his alleged anti-semetic remarks, right into the loving arms of Rodarte. Win.
However, she loses points for that endless acceptance speech where she thanked everyone she had personally ever encountered, right down to the gaffer and her manicurist. Lose.
Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott: Holy Dairy Queen! She gave birth only a month ago! She looks phenomenal in this dress, but the dress itself isn't that pleasant. It sort of looks like a bad prom dress from 1996. Lose.
Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana: This look falls apart because of several things... the colour failed to ignite on the red carpet, it looked very transparent in all the wrong places, and the whole lace vibe was a little too granny-like, in spite of the bare back. Lose.
Also, on a little side note to Scar Jo: quit trying to make orange eye shadow happen. You've been rocking that look for some time now and we're not buying it. Lose again.
Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang: The shape and fit are flawless and the lipstick red had quite the opposite effect of Scarlett's shade. She gets points for bringing the glamour, loses a few points for playing it safe. Win.
Wait... is that A BOW ON HER REAR END? Saucy takes back that win. Lose.
Anne Hathaway in Valentino: Finally, someone with a necklace. Where did all the necklaces go? Is Hollywood really trying to tell us that necklaces are passe? Anne's red carpet dress was divine however. The back of her dress is without a bow but those crazy pickups with roses work. Win.
Jennifer Hudson in Versace: This look reminds Saucy of Tangerine Dream Barbie. It's pretty spectacular, although her assets are a little worse for the wear in that halter top. The general fit, her hair and accessories save her. Win.
Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein: This look got rave reviews as she was the first actress to arrive on the red carpet. In theory, as a gown, there is nothing wrong with it - and she looks fetching. However, if you set her closeup photo in front of a surfboard, she would look like she just stepped off the set of Baywatch so for that alone, lose.
She will still be on several best dressed lists, but David Hasslehoff won't be far behind.
Leaving Saucy's very favourites for last...
Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein: Gwyn looked spectacular in this column of shimmering platinum. She was perfectly coiffed and accessorized and in spite of the fact that we were again subjected to her warbling, Saucy was able to turn the remote to mute and still give the dress a win.
Hailee Stienfeld in Marchesa: How cute and age-appropriate could she be? Plus, even with that headband she didn't look to schoolgirly, she managed to pull the whole thing off nicely. And in pink, too! Win.
Mila Kunis in Elie Saab: This was hands-down, Saucy's favourite look of the night. It looks gorgeous, unstructured and dare she say it - comfortable! The delicate peep lace at the neckline must be held in place with hairspray... but it was an elegant and interesting detail without being gauche (looking at you, Jennifer Hudson). The colour was fresh and fabulous and had Saucy dying to buy a new lavender dress for spring. Win, win, win.
Well reader, spill it. Saucy knows she went against convention this year and defended a few frocks she felt needed defending and she went against general consensus and hit the "dislike" button on Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson, perennial favourites. What was your take?