let's agree to disagree

Dear Reader,

Last night's Academy Awards officially end the dress mocking season. If Saucy has accomplished nothing in the past few weeks (she's accomplished plenty, but she has yet to accomplish blogging about her accomplishments) she has at the very least confounded some readers with her fashion decrees from this page.

With this final wrap up of award dresses for 2011, Saucy wants to share a few other thoughts about the Oscars with you:

Firstly, although macabre, she secretly relishes the In Memoriam portion of the show, she finds it sweet and plaintive, set to sappy music and peppered with just enough agents and writers that it makes her wonder if the Academy left anyone out.

Second, the Academy's attempt to lure a young demographic really fell flat. Most college students were likely high and wondering who the old guy with the cane and the gay escort was.

Also, she's pretty sure that James Franco was high for most of the event. He didn't seem to know it was Kirk Douglas, either.

Lastly, she kind of prays for a fashion disaster or two. It keeps things interesting in an endless sea of dreadful acceptance speeches and musical numbers by Gwyneth Paltrow.

And now... on with the dresses! Saucy knows from the general consensus on Twitter what most people think of the frocks, and she might just defend a disaster or condemn one of your favourites. Let's still be friends.

Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer: Case in point. Vehemently regarded with hate on the Internet... Saucy found some beauty in this unusual choice. Agreed, the lace over gold lame is a little gaudy, and the bug necklace is enough to make this arachnophobe run for cover. However, the shape is really nice on her and the overlay made a neat effect on the red carpet. It's a pleasant neckline and the Oscar winner really didn't try to do anything severe or crazy... she looks comfortable and kinda sexy. Win.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott: It's a beautiful dress, but Saucy wants to point out that the actress is dripping in a mere 1.25 million dollars worth of jewels and the gown is valued at $30,000.00. At this point, Saucy doesn't feel the least bit guilty about buying Loopy three new tee shirts at Forever 21 over the weekend. At any rate... if you lose the accessories, it's still a very nice gown. Win.

Reese Witherspoon in Armani Prive: It seems like everyone is in love with Reese, and in love with this look. Saucy can't help but feel that she's seen it before... it's nice... it's safe... but it's neither interesting nor fashion forward. Reese saves the overall look by employing two packages of Raquel Welch hair extensions into a high, sixties-inspired ponytail reminiscent of Elle Woods herself. So perky! The emerald drop earrings help make this look work. Win.

Busy Philips in It Really Doesn't Matter: When you can't even find the name of the dress designer on the Internet, it's not a good sign. For the actress, or the designer. Perhaps nobody wants to take credit for this monstrosity that makes a B-lister look like a pregnant guppy fish... or Heidi Klum, who thankfully, was missing in action for once last night. Lose.

Marisa Tomei in Saucy Can't Find Out Who: Are we sensing a pattern here, people? It's not as bad as Busy's frock, but it's still not great. It kind of fits like a train wreck in places and her earrings look like bottle caps. Tim Gunn threw a few offhanded compliments her way but couldn't bring himself to actually say she looked good. Lose.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy: You may hate on it, but Saucy lurrves. Why? The actress was presenting the costuming category... so she really should bring the haute couture with her. This isn't so much a gown as it is a work of art. It is shape and sculpture brought to life with fabric. Saucy could get all Art Teacher on you right now and yabber on about texture, draping, repetition and structure, but she won't lest she bore you as much as a Randy Newman singalong. She will just point out that brilliant little bit of yellow on the shoulder and that yellow is a complimentary colour of violet... and that just made Saucy lurrve it even more. Cate's casually disheveled hair and unfussy earrings make this look a win.

To further elaborate, this dress is kind of like high art. You don't have to hang that stuff in your house to appreciate it. You just have to try to appreciate it sometimes for what it is... art.

Michele Williams in Chanel: The beaded column sheath isn't Saucy's favourite look ever worn by Miss Williams, but it works on the petite actress with a fresh pixie cut. However, it was a little bland and needed one long Chanel-inspired necklace or a pair of cuff bracelets. At any rate, not enough reason to fail her. Win. Barely.

Helena Bonham Carter in Colleen Atwood: You were waiting for this one, weren't you? Saucy can't seem to muster up a full-on hate for it. HBC is almost always going to wear somewhat of a corset, given her penchant for odd Victorian getups and being married to Tim Burton. It's black, and apparently she was wearing matching shoes so she gets points for that. The slits in the sleeves make it unusual enough that the actress gravitated towards it but not so unusual that Saucy has that little throw up feeling she usually gets after an HBC red carpet sighting.

Given her past performance Saucy feels it only fair to hold Helena to a lower standard than the rest of her peers. Therefore, win.

Annette Bening in Who the Hell Wants to Take Credit for This?: And so it goes... another nameless dress. It's just kind of awkward and stripy and really did nothing for her. Lose.

Nicole Kidman in Dior: Just when we thought Nicole Kidman had come back to her fashion senses, she dishes up this disaster. This look is also known as: the Chinese restaurant will need its tablecloths back by Tuesday. Lose.

Virginia Madsen in Romona Keveza: This dress answers the age-old question, whatever became of the top part of Bjork's swan dress? The entire dress as well as the hairdo is just too fuzzy. Also, with a fuzzy dress, one need not wear elaborate earrings. Lose.

Halle Berry in Marchesa: Well, it's Halle Berry, after all. She's beautiful and adorable. She always over-embellishes, that's kind of her thing now. Lots of beads and feathers and lace and tulle. She repeatedly dresses like an Ice Capades headliner. It's nothing new for her, but there's nothing wrong with it. Win.

Celine Dion in Armani Prive: Well, it's Celine Dion, after all. She's pretentious and irritating. However, she's done much worse on the red carpet (backwards white tuxedo, anyone?) and she recently gave birth to twins so Saucy is prepared to cut her a little slack. Plus, she sang to the dead people and you know how much Saucy enjoys that part, so, win.

Florence Welch in Valentino: This is quite possibly a hideous gown in its inception and its execution, but for an alt musician like Florence, it kinda works. On anyone else, lose. On Flo, win.

Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood: The designer redeems herself after the Helena Bonham Carter disaster at the Golden Globes. Dame Mirren looks tasteful and regal in this odd colour that's neither grey, brown, nor silver. A nod of approval to the fit and her figure as well. Win.

Hilary Swank in Gucci: Feathers are the thing right now... but this look really, really needed a pair of earrings. There's not much else at fault except the look is worn by Hilary Swank, so in spite of that, win.

Saucy can't really elaborate about her feelings against Hilary Swank, except to say that they are negative and she has them. She is convinced that Jennifer Garner, Natalie Portman and Hilary Swank are siblings. Natalie is the popular cheerleader, Jennifer is the missing link and Hilary is the brother.

Mandy Moore in Monique Lhuillier: Nobody really misses Mandy Moore as a singer. Nobody misses Mandy Moore as an actress, but at least she didn't make a huge fashion mistake. The gown was gorgeous. Win.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte: Hilary's popular sister took home her statuette in an eggplant maternity gown. She tiptoed away from John Galliano after his alleged anti-semetic remarks, right into the loving arms of Rodarte. Win.

However, she loses points for that endless acceptance speech where she thanked everyone she had personally ever encountered, right down to the gaffer and her manicurist. Lose.

Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott: Holy Dairy Queen! She gave birth only a month ago! She looks phenomenal in this dress, but the dress itself isn't that pleasant. It sort of looks like a bad prom dress from 1996. Lose.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana: This look falls apart because of several things... the colour failed to ignite on the red carpet, it looked very transparent in all the wrong places, and the whole lace vibe was a little too granny-like, in spite of the bare back. Lose.

Also, on a little side note to Scar Jo: quit trying to make orange eye shadow happen. You've been rocking that look for some time now and we're not buying it. Lose again.

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang: The shape and fit are flawless and the lipstick red had quite the opposite effect of Scarlett's shade. She gets points for bringing the glamour, loses a few points for playing it safe. Win.

Wait... is that A BOW ON HER REAR END? Saucy takes back that win. Lose.

Anne Hathaway in Valentino: Finally, someone with a necklace. Where did all the necklaces go? Is Hollywood really trying to tell us that necklaces are passe? Anne's red carpet dress was divine however. The back of her dress is without a bow but those crazy pickups with roses work. Win.

Jennifer Hudson in Versace: This look reminds Saucy of Tangerine Dream Barbie. It's pretty spectacular, although her assets are a little worse for the wear in that halter top. The general fit, her hair and accessories save her. Win.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein: This look got rave reviews as she was the first actress to arrive on the red carpet. In theory, as a gown, there is nothing wrong with it - and she looks fetching. However, if you set her closeup photo in front of a surfboard, she would look like she just stepped off the set of Baywatch so for that alone, lose.

She will still be on several best dressed lists, but David Hasslehoff won't be far behind.

Leaving Saucy's very favourites for last...

Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein: Gwyn looked spectacular in this column of shimmering platinum. She was perfectly coiffed and accessorized and in spite of the fact that we were again subjected to her warbling, Saucy was able to turn the remote to mute and still give the dress a win.

Hailee Stienfeld in Marchesa: How cute and age-appropriate could she be? Plus, even with that headband she didn't look to schoolgirly, she managed to pull the whole thing off nicely. And in pink, too! Win.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab: This was hands-down, Saucy's favourite look of the night. It looks gorgeous, unstructured and dare she say it - comfortable! The delicate peep lace at the neckline must be held in place with hairspray... but it was an elegant and interesting detail without being gauche (looking at you, Jennifer Hudson). The colour was fresh and fabulous and had Saucy dying to buy a new lavender dress for spring. Win, win, win.

Well reader, spill it. Saucy knows she went against convention this year and defended a few frocks she felt needed defending and she went against general consensus and hit the "dislike" button on Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson, perennial favourites. What was your take?

quick cake

In spite of the fact that Saucy's kitchen was turning out over 300 cupcakes last weekend, the family still managed to have a little celebration of Loopy's birthday. Between batches of cupcakes Saucy slipped one batch of red velvet cake in heart shaped pans into the oven. It's kind of sad to only use heart shaped pans around Valentine's Day, because they're so sweet and pretty.

At any rate, nephews and dogs were walking through the door as Saucy was faced with the cooled cake, unfrosted, and the need to finish dinner. She grabbed her largest pastry bag, a Wilton 1M tip, and the batch of cream cheese frosting off the stand mixer and piped like a mad woman, in little swirls all over the cake. Sort of like an old-school baked Alaska finish. It took about three minutes... and while it is not Saucy's greatest pastry accomplishment to date, it was fine, just fine, for a quick dinner with the ones who matter most.

There is an actual Sweet Sixteen party in the works for this Monday night for Loopy and her friends. It won't be very extravagant at all, but it also will be fine, just fine.

grammy awards fashion (if you can call it that)

... and Saucy uses the word "fashion" loosely as she has observed over the years that the Grammy Awards aren't really about fashion, they are about making outrageous statements and getting yourself noticed in a sea of outrageous statements. So let us address the first case in point, the giant l'oeuf in the room:

Expectations were exceedingly high as Lady Gaga was ushered onto the red carpet by a hoarde of men... carrying her in an egg. Her choreographer explained to Ryan Seacrest that Gaga was incubating before her performance and had been doing so for nearly three hours, planning to give birth to herself on stage for her act. This created some sort of internet frenzy as people scrambled to find out if it was indeed Gaga in the egg or some sort of stand-in ovum.

No matter, Saucy figured it was just another one of her hideous, outrageous stunts and poured more iced tea and opened another bag of Fritos. Inside, she truly hoped that Gaga had exposed herself to some sort of salmonella poisoning and wouldn't survive the show.

The red carpet began to look almost promising as Eva Longoria stepped out in a flashy short skirted number. Only someone that petite could pull off a silly ruffly top like that. Truly, it was her size, her hair and her accessories that made this work all the way.

And then, just like that, the red carpet burst into a flaming bag of fashion poop.

American Idol runner up Crystal Bowersox - who is infinitely likeable and talented - showed up in what appeared to be some sort of bathrobe/nightgown hybrid. When you sport dreadlocks like that you always look like you just rolled out of bed anyway so maybe she was in a lose/lose situation.

Saucy was reminded of the Barenaked Ladies lyrics "but not a real green dress, that's cruel." And that was the end of the joke.

Ciara contrived some sort of gown out of her bathing suit and the shower curtain from her Granny's condo.

Don't even start Saucy on the Smith family. What they are doing to this Willow child is nothing short of abuse and she parades about with a massive grin on her face only proving that there is some sort of brainwashing involved. Saucy knows adolescent girls and trust me, they do not want to be seen like this. People, she was wearing neon shoelaces in her hair.

Put it this way: imagine you are the family stylist explaining to the mother and daughter what her look will be for the GRAMMY AWARDS. You say something like, "We will tie your hair up with shoelaces and then you will wear these giant tall platform sneakers without laces, how fun is that? They will be completely disproportionate to the size of your body making you look like some sort of floor lamp! Isn't that fun? Oh, and you can wear a skirt over your muddy brown ill-fitting pants... and get this... how about... a handbag that rotates if you hold it just the right way!"

Now imagine Saucy presenting this scenario to one of the Cheerios. Now do you see the problem?

Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine arrived in a quirky, odd gown but ultimately she changed into a very tasteful nude gown to perform in the opening tribute to the ailing Aretha Franklin. Saucy tried to find a photo of the performance dress, but to no avail. The funny part about that outfit was that the other performers in the group were all wearing black, so either Florence didn't get the memo, doesn't have Blackberry Messaging or perhaps she just didn't care and she wanted to stand out from the other ladies. Which do you think is more likely?

Hayley Williams of Paramore could have done so much better... but then again, she's Hayley Williams of Paramore, and Saucy stopped hoping for much from her a very long time ago. Never trust a woman who dyes her eyebrows orange.

At least she combed her hair.

Now here is the part you will be expecting Saucy to rant and rave about "why is Heidi Klum always invited to these things" but of course, she is married to musician Seal, so this makes the Grammys the one awards show she should actually attend. And interestingly enough, she did not gauche it up this time. It's a little clingy and a little sparkly, but whatever, at least she didn't look like a guppy fish this time and she's not pregnant again. For now.

The Glee girls brought glamour to the Grammys... finally! In black dresses, all of them. Dianna Agron in this simple but edgy strapless cocktail dress. Sky-high heels were all over the place this year. Saucy gives this look a thumbs-up, if you can walk in it.

Some of the heels looked dangerously too high. Was Saucy alone in worrying that poor Gwyneth Paltrow would just topple over, right off that mirrored piano while she teetered about singing her rendition of "Forget You" from Glee? So much so, Saucy was relieved the number was over. She was convinced Gwynny's long legs were going to snap like twigs when she flew off the piano and onto the stage.

Lea Michele looked nice, and a little edgy, which is a nice change for her. Again with the high shoes.

Saucy quite like Jenna Ushkowitz's gauze-over-nude ribbon dress, except for the belly button peeping through. Of course, this was probably by design to accentuate the nudity of the garment but Saucy would have preferred a little tape over that bit... it was distracting.

How fab does Jennifer Hudson look? Fab, but she needs better fitting undergarments... agreed?

As does five-months along Jewel, who looked sweet and radiant but later in the evening was thisclose to a wardrobe malfunction as Twitter blew into a frenzy over her left asset's resistance to stay in the frock.

Also unable to contain her assets was Miley Cyrus, who was in desperate need of some double-faced tape on the sides of her gown near the underarm... you know what Saucy means. The Cheerios were screaming "Oh no, she's got side boob cleavage!" but that wasn't the worst observation they made. It was also agreed that she has gained the dreaded "pot pounds" that accompany the late night snacking induced by smoking, uh, salvia. That's it.

Jennifer Lopez looked as foxy as ever but her heels were so high that the arch of her foot could not conform. Perhaps we must put a height cap on these things at six or seven inches. It could be that she was sporting just a few too many hair extensions for Saucy's taste because it covered the detail of her dress.

Oh, and Saucy would be remiss if she did not point out that JLo trotted out that mega-douchebag husband of hers, Mark Anthony who Saucy suspects might be the same person as John Mayer because they have never been sighted together. Except that John Mayer is six feet tall and Mark Anthony is four feet tall. So forget it.

The world is unlucky enough to have the both of them.

Jordin Sparks brought out red for Valentine's Day but it was a bit of a getup with the short and long skirt combo. Make up your mind already. It's a long dress or a short dress, but it can't be both.

Julianne Hough is winning Saucy over with her red carpet style. She claimed on the red carpet that she had to be sewn into this gown just before leaving for the event and Saucy isn't buying it. First of all, it's not super fitted and it's kind of flowy and forgiving and according to Saucy's ninth grade home economics trained eye, there's plenty of room in that bodice for a hidden zipper.

LeAnne Rimes looked okay but in truth, she is one of the most hated people in America and it is likely that she could cure cancer and still not gain any new fans. Saucy is at a loss for a comment about the black shoes, however.

Nicole Kidman looked very nice all turned out in this graduated gown. She's had a few fashion mishaps lately so Saucy is relieved that balance is being restored to the universe.

Katy Perry is very Katy Perry so don't expect mainstream. This Armani gown was okaaaay - it was very Katy Perry - but the angel wings were a silly touch too reminiscent of the Victoria's Secret fashion show where she was a headline performer in December. Perhaps she nicked them from the dressing room on the way out the door.

It's nice to see Kelly Osbourne looking a little more mainstream and fashion-forward, and most importantly, employed. She was a red-carpet reporter.

Why was she there? For once, Saucy would like a Kardashian-free awards show. She just got rid of Paris Hilton, and now this.

Inside the event Christina Aguleria opened the show as part of a tribute to Aretha Franklin, whom everyone assumes is on her deathbed so it's kind of sad the industry is jumping the gun with all the black-dress tributes. She did, however, redeem herself after the national anthem debacle of last weekend. One can only assume she was coached by Elisabeth Hasslebeck who claims that she makes her children sing The Star Spangled Banner at least three times a day.

Gaga's egg opened up, she emerged wearing an 0ver-easy hat, and somewhere, Bjork let out a huge sigh of relief. After wearing a meat dress to the American Music Awards and now an egg getup to the Grammys, this woman is a mere piece of toast away from being a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's. Not only that, the whole thing wasn't Kosher. AT ALL.

One thing's for sure... those yolks sure could dance.

Natasha Bedingfield looked rather nice and elegant, for the Grammy Awards. It seems like nobody tries to just look nice at these things anymore. They are all dressing for shock value.

And having just said that... Snookie from The Jersey Shore showed up looking rather nice, for Snookie of The Jersey Shore. Her tan was not too orange, her hair was not too poufy, and aside from having applied a tad too much eye makeup (which Saucy can forgive on a night of sins such as this) her only problem appears to be the shape of those shoulder-sleeves. Could it be possible, is the leg-of-mutton sleeve making its dreaded comeback? Will Saucy's tenth grade school photo live to see the return of its nemesis?

No, wait. Let's go back and examine Gaga's getup again. Scroll up to the dancing yolks if you have to.

Is that woman wearing... shoulder horns?

Gaga's antics are so detestable that Saucy barely registered any emotion when Nicki Minaj appeared, sporting full leopard regalia, including spray painted hair. Someone wants a piece of Lady Gaga's attention, good or bad:

What's that taste in your mouth? You just threw up a little bit. Don't just sit there. Go and brush your teeth.