lies chelsea handler told them

Saucy has returned no worse for the wear after a very quick weekend trip to Chicago.

This annual trip to the Windy City has become a tradition whereupon Saucy and Veto join up with Veto's cousin, The Warden and his wife... The Inmate. If you knew them, you would know these are apt nicknames indeed.

The first lie occurred when Saucy asked for a small refrigerator to be brought to her hotel room. She figured that stocking up on yogurt and milk at Walgreens would keep her blood sugar somewhat stable with all the martinis she was planning to partake in. Plus, she likes to have a little spot to stash cupcakes and whatnots in her hotel room. She bade Veto to do her dirty work and he phoned the concierge and explained that his wife needed a small fridge to store her medication, would they bring one up after all? This is most certainly a partial lie... Saucy does store her ample medications in the refrigerator but she did not have any with her on this particular trip. She felt guilty for a fleeting moment about the lie but at four in the morning when she awoke thirsty and peckish, she was glad of a job well done.

When she got home, she took some of her medication right away because Karma's a bitch like that.

Another lie happened at... where else... the bar. Saucy readily admits that she relishes the signage that claims "we ID all patrons" because deep down she thinks maybe, just perhaps, the bartender might suspect her to be *cough* under twenty one. The brandishing of ID validates her youthful and some might say immature behaviour in these establishments.

The Inmate, she was unprepared for such a falsehood of self-esteem and was without a bar card on this particular evening. Of course, she happened to be craving a glass of wine and the young woman behind the bar nodded to the sign... it appeared that The Inmate would be the designated babysitter of the group.

While Saucy was pulling out her ID, she found something she forgot she'd been carrying. Loopy's learner's permit, expired from a year ago. Hmm.... could it work? Could The Inmate pass for a fifteen year old? Was the lighting that flattering?

Apparently so. The young woman scanned the foreign identification with a surly brow, all nodding and serious. She gazed up at The Inmate and down again at the card. She paused, switched cards, eyed Saucy and nodded again. She returned to the other card and Saucy felt a nasty knot form in her unmedicated gullet. Why so serious?

Friends, it was the fleeting sort of feeling that came on weekends between the years 1984 and 1988. The nervous perspiration, the passing of someone else's card... attempting to look thirty four instead of eighteen. Except... it was the exact opposite. But the feeling, it was familiar.

The employee fingered the card for a moment curiously and Saucy thought they were busted for sure. As in the late eighties, Saucy felt that if her friend failed the card test then she too would have to go dry in solidarity and it did not look good. It did not look good at all.

And then, the cards were handed back and the drink orders were taken. The deed had been done. The Inmate had passed off Loopy's ID as her own and we were left to our own devices at the wine bar.

The last lie was a whopper.

During dinner, still high from the excitement of passing the false ID, Saucy was approached by a genial young fellow. "Excuse me," he said, "are you Chelsea Handler?"

"Why yes, I am" purred Saucy. At that moment she got a kick under the table from Veto who by this time has been forced into lying to the concierge and witnessed the miracle of the ID. Don't do it, the kick said. Don't pull this guy's leg. He looks nice.

He was nice. He is so nice. He asked for a picture with Chelsea and Saucy fessed up. He kinda sorta didn't believe her at first. She insisted that she was no more than a third rate blogger who scammed bar fridges and ran fake ID's out of her Juicy clutch.

Saucy is a lot of things, Dear Reader. She's no Chelsea Handler.

He returned to the table for a photo op and a visit later. His name is Skippy Jessop and he's going to be famous someday. He told great stories - all of them true - about the celebrities he's met and the ones he's been photographed with. Some of them are mean but most of them are not. You can check out his website here, he's the real deal. He and Saucy are Internet friends now and you should follow him too!

You can read about Skippy's fascinating brushes with fame and find out why and how he ended up in Chicago to study acting at the Piven Theatre Workshop on his website. Go on, check it out. It's a really funny story. Follow him on Twitter, if you're one of those people.


Mrs. G. said...

I like Chelsea Handler; I think she's a firecracker but I think you look younger than her. Still, what a compliment!

Cassandra said...

Cute story, but you would need several gallons of martinis before you started looking like Chelsea! Headed off to follow Mr. Jessup!

Kate said...

I love it when you do posts like this! So great!

Anonymous said...

We were eating at Giordano's. I bet if Chelsea were to eat in Chicago... it would be there! And I agree with your friend you are much younger looking than her. :o)


LisaInCT said...

LOL... your story amuses me to no end! :)

Grace said...

I have to tell you that you are the best blogger!! hahaha I think you are so much prettier than Chelsea! Your lies were cute so no worries. lol Grace xoox

Saucy said...

I dunno, Skippy... I kinda think Chelead would run more upscale. I picture her at Table 3. Or Table 5. Or whatever number is popular right now.

Angela said...

I think that you are prettier than Chelsea Handler!

Erin O said...

Love it! One question though...wouldn't Loopy's ID say that she was only 15 years old??

Saucy said...

Yes, so the wonderful and completely amazing part of the Christmas miracle is that The Inmate passed herself off as a fifteen year old and apparently fifteen year olds can drink in Illinois? Why yes it looks as though they can ;)