grammy awards fashion (if you can call it that)

... and Saucy uses the word "fashion" loosely as she has observed over the years that the Grammy Awards aren't really about fashion, they are about making outrageous statements and getting yourself noticed in a sea of outrageous statements. So let us address the first case in point, the giant l'oeuf in the room:

Expectations were exceedingly high as Lady Gaga was ushered onto the red carpet by a hoarde of men... carrying her in an egg. Her choreographer explained to Ryan Seacrest that Gaga was incubating before her performance and had been doing so for nearly three hours, planning to give birth to herself on stage for her act. This created some sort of internet frenzy as people scrambled to find out if it was indeed Gaga in the egg or some sort of stand-in ovum.

No matter, Saucy figured it was just another one of her hideous, outrageous stunts and poured more iced tea and opened another bag of Fritos. Inside, she truly hoped that Gaga had exposed herself to some sort of salmonella poisoning and wouldn't survive the show.

The red carpet began to look almost promising as Eva Longoria stepped out in a flashy short skirted number. Only someone that petite could pull off a silly ruffly top like that. Truly, it was her size, her hair and her accessories that made this work all the way.

And then, just like that, the red carpet burst into a flaming bag of fashion poop.

American Idol runner up Crystal Bowersox - who is infinitely likeable and talented - showed up in what appeared to be some sort of bathrobe/nightgown hybrid. When you sport dreadlocks like that you always look like you just rolled out of bed anyway so maybe she was in a lose/lose situation.

Saucy was reminded of the Barenaked Ladies lyrics "but not a real green dress, that's cruel." And that was the end of the joke.

Ciara contrived some sort of gown out of her bathing suit and the shower curtain from her Granny's condo.

Don't even start Saucy on the Smith family. What they are doing to this Willow child is nothing short of abuse and she parades about with a massive grin on her face only proving that there is some sort of brainwashing involved. Saucy knows adolescent girls and trust me, they do not want to be seen like this. People, she was wearing neon shoelaces in her hair.

Put it this way: imagine you are the family stylist explaining to the mother and daughter what her look will be for the GRAMMY AWARDS. You say something like, "We will tie your hair up with shoelaces and then you will wear these giant tall platform sneakers without laces, how fun is that? They will be completely disproportionate to the size of your body making you look like some sort of floor lamp! Isn't that fun? Oh, and you can wear a skirt over your muddy brown ill-fitting pants... and get this... how about... a handbag that rotates if you hold it just the right way!"

Now imagine Saucy presenting this scenario to one of the Cheerios. Now do you see the problem?

Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine arrived in a quirky, odd gown but ultimately she changed into a very tasteful nude gown to perform in the opening tribute to the ailing Aretha Franklin. Saucy tried to find a photo of the performance dress, but to no avail. The funny part about that outfit was that the other performers in the group were all wearing black, so either Florence didn't get the memo, doesn't have Blackberry Messaging or perhaps she just didn't care and she wanted to stand out from the other ladies. Which do you think is more likely?

Hayley Williams of Paramore could have done so much better... but then again, she's Hayley Williams of Paramore, and Saucy stopped hoping for much from her a very long time ago. Never trust a woman who dyes her eyebrows orange.

At least she combed her hair.

Now here is the part you will be expecting Saucy to rant and rave about "why is Heidi Klum always invited to these things" but of course, she is married to musician Seal, so this makes the Grammys the one awards show she should actually attend. And interestingly enough, she did not gauche it up this time. It's a little clingy and a little sparkly, but whatever, at least she didn't look like a guppy fish this time and she's not pregnant again. For now.

The Glee girls brought glamour to the Grammys... finally! In black dresses, all of them. Dianna Agron in this simple but edgy strapless cocktail dress. Sky-high heels were all over the place this year. Saucy gives this look a thumbs-up, if you can walk in it.

Some of the heels looked dangerously too high. Was Saucy alone in worrying that poor Gwyneth Paltrow would just topple over, right off that mirrored piano while she teetered about singing her rendition of "Forget You" from Glee? So much so, Saucy was relieved the number was over. She was convinced Gwynny's long legs were going to snap like twigs when she flew off the piano and onto the stage.

Lea Michele looked nice, and a little edgy, which is a nice change for her. Again with the high shoes.

Saucy quite like Jenna Ushkowitz's gauze-over-nude ribbon dress, except for the belly button peeping through. Of course, this was probably by design to accentuate the nudity of the garment but Saucy would have preferred a little tape over that bit... it was distracting.

How fab does Jennifer Hudson look? Fab, but she needs better fitting undergarments... agreed?

As does five-months along Jewel, who looked sweet and radiant but later in the evening was thisclose to a wardrobe malfunction as Twitter blew into a frenzy over her left asset's resistance to stay in the frock.

Also unable to contain her assets was Miley Cyrus, who was in desperate need of some double-faced tape on the sides of her gown near the underarm... you know what Saucy means. The Cheerios were screaming "Oh no, she's got side boob cleavage!" but that wasn't the worst observation they made. It was also agreed that she has gained the dreaded "pot pounds" that accompany the late night snacking induced by smoking, uh, salvia. That's it.

Jennifer Lopez looked as foxy as ever but her heels were so high that the arch of her foot could not conform. Perhaps we must put a height cap on these things at six or seven inches. It could be that she was sporting just a few too many hair extensions for Saucy's taste because it covered the detail of her dress.

Oh, and Saucy would be remiss if she did not point out that JLo trotted out that mega-douchebag husband of hers, Mark Anthony who Saucy suspects might be the same person as John Mayer because they have never been sighted together. Except that John Mayer is six feet tall and Mark Anthony is four feet tall. So forget it.

The world is unlucky enough to have the both of them.

Jordin Sparks brought out red for Valentine's Day but it was a bit of a getup with the short and long skirt combo. Make up your mind already. It's a long dress or a short dress, but it can't be both.

Julianne Hough is winning Saucy over with her red carpet style. She claimed on the red carpet that she had to be sewn into this gown just before leaving for the event and Saucy isn't buying it. First of all, it's not super fitted and it's kind of flowy and forgiving and according to Saucy's ninth grade home economics trained eye, there's plenty of room in that bodice for a hidden zipper.

LeAnne Rimes looked okay but in truth, she is one of the most hated people in America and it is likely that she could cure cancer and still not gain any new fans. Saucy is at a loss for a comment about the black shoes, however.

Nicole Kidman looked very nice all turned out in this graduated gown. She's had a few fashion mishaps lately so Saucy is relieved that balance is being restored to the universe.

Katy Perry is very Katy Perry so don't expect mainstream. This Armani gown was okaaaay - it was very Katy Perry - but the angel wings were a silly touch too reminiscent of the Victoria's Secret fashion show where she was a headline performer in December. Perhaps she nicked them from the dressing room on the way out the door.

It's nice to see Kelly Osbourne looking a little more mainstream and fashion-forward, and most importantly, employed. She was a red-carpet reporter.

Why was she there? For once, Saucy would like a Kardashian-free awards show. She just got rid of Paris Hilton, and now this.

Inside the event Christina Aguleria opened the show as part of a tribute to Aretha Franklin, whom everyone assumes is on her deathbed so it's kind of sad the industry is jumping the gun with all the black-dress tributes. She did, however, redeem herself after the national anthem debacle of last weekend. One can only assume she was coached by Elisabeth Hasslebeck who claims that she makes her children sing The Star Spangled Banner at least three times a day.

Gaga's egg opened up, she emerged wearing an 0ver-easy hat, and somewhere, Bjork let out a huge sigh of relief. After wearing a meat dress to the American Music Awards and now an egg getup to the Grammys, this woman is a mere piece of toast away from being a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's. Not only that, the whole thing wasn't Kosher. AT ALL.

One thing's for sure... those yolks sure could dance.

Natasha Bedingfield looked rather nice and elegant, for the Grammy Awards. It seems like nobody tries to just look nice at these things anymore. They are all dressing for shock value.

And having just said that... Snookie from The Jersey Shore showed up looking rather nice, for Snookie of The Jersey Shore. Her tan was not too orange, her hair was not too poufy, and aside from having applied a tad too much eye makeup (which Saucy can forgive on a night of sins such as this) her only problem appears to be the shape of those shoulder-sleeves. Could it be possible, is the leg-of-mutton sleeve making its dreaded comeback? Will Saucy's tenth grade school photo live to see the return of its nemesis?

No, wait. Let's go back and examine Gaga's getup again. Scroll up to the dancing yolks if you have to.

Is that woman wearing... shoulder horns?

Gaga's antics are so detestable that Saucy barely registered any emotion when Nicki Minaj appeared, sporting full leopard regalia, including spray painted hair. Someone wants a piece of Lady Gaga's attention, good or bad:

What's that taste in your mouth? You just threw up a little bit. Don't just sit there. Go and brush your teeth.


Anonymous said...

the only thing good about the Grammy's this year was the music, and even some of it sucked! Not sure where these people shop.....
Gaga was's getting out of hand....she has an awesome voice, why can't she just concentrate on that, and scrap the drama!
SHe was on Jay Leno last night, and she still had the wacky shoulders....and is just plain wierd..........
Jennifer fast

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

OK, I did throw up a bit. YIKES.
I have to say I could not agree more with ALL of the reviews: the Smiths (ugh-don't get me started), Gaga and Marc Anthony...well I use to like him until he turned into a duche bag.
I just don't see his appeal.

Ad didn't you thin that John Mayer was trying to pull a Johnny Deep?

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

missed a K somewhere in there :)

Dana said...

Awesome run down, as always. Can't stand the Gaga or that new Gaga wannabe. :) The Willow Smith thing makes me sick too....

April said...

yes, I'm over Gaga. I've tried to give her a little wiggle room and say ok, she's a performance artist, this is her gig. But enough. Get back in that egg and roll on out of here. Let your music speak for itself and stop it with all of this hype and pimping of oneself. It's hard to take her seriously. As always Saucy, fabo post!

jessicajane said...

i love natasha bedingfields dress.!

Mrs. G. said...

I loved the Fock You performance and, yes, I feared for Paltrow's life.

I don't get the GaGa--but I didn't get Madonna either.

Anonymous said...

Oh Saucy, you having me rolling in my seat! Tears down my face laughing!!! Thanks for candid, and oh-so-right version of Grammy 'fashion'. Dena

Buddy's Mom said...

I always love your fashion critiques but the comment I found the most amusing was your observation that Marc Anthony and John Mayer are the same person! True that!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm so glad I committed to skipping this event for the 20th year in a row now...

Lisa Russell said...

"... this woman is a mere piece of toast away from being a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's!" Brilliant!

Amy said...

Nicki Minaj looks like she's poorly attempting to channel The 5th Element. Not done well at all.

I think the worst part about the Grammy's, bad fashion aside, is the horrific, detestable, pathetic reaction of anyone who calls themselves a Bieber fan. Justin himself, or his PR camps seriously needs to tell the little twits who campaign for him, that threatening other people with death on his behalf is just wrong, unnecessary, and unappreciated. Then again, this just illustrates exactly what it means to be a Bieber fan, which speaks volumes on so many different levels.

Saucy said...

Amy! What did Saucy miss? Obviously there was a Bieber-gate? DO TELL!! Death threats? Sounds very Texas Cheerleader Murder Mom.

Melissa said...

Am I the only one wondering if Snooki is just Christina Aguilera wearing a black wig??