the destruction of pop tart tuesday



Cheerios practice today was rather uneventful to start, if you call Pop Tart Tuesday uneventful, and Saucy would not. In fact, Pop Tart Tuesday is a time-honoured tradition wherein Saucy has decided that on the last Tuesday of the month Saucy feeds the Cheerios a hot Pop Tart with a cold glass of milk at the start of practice. This involves Saucy loading up her kitchen toaster, toasting the Pop Tarts while the mats are being unrolled by Cheerios and serving them hot from the appliance - right in the gymnasium - on a paper towel.

And so, Pop Tart Tuesday began in such a way that things were almost normal. Normal, as in, Saucy was screeching through the megaphone:

"You think that was hard? Try toasting twenty-two Pop Tarts with a double slice toaster in a school gymnasium, that's hard!"

And so it went. Until Pop Tart Tuesday came to a grinding halt with a half hour left on the clock. One of the Cheerios, and Saucy will call her Roxy, because if you knew her surely you would agree that Roxy was the perfect blog handle for her - got a cryptic text message. From her boyfriend.

Uh-huh. You heard it. Roxy's boyfriend, who shall remain nameless - but if Saucy were to give him a blog handle surely it would be - Chicken Boy - broke up with her via instant message.
What is this, Saucy pondered, as Roxy's eyes glazed all watery and she was comforted by sixteen pairs of loving arms. What is this world coming to? How on earth is this acceptable behaviour, breaking up by cell phone? Adding insult to injury, not even in voice but by text. How did we arrive here? When did this become the way to end a relationship? Digital Dumping. Not cool.

Then and there, Saucy called an end to practice and called the Cheerios together, asking Roxy to look her in the eye when she gave her this little piece of business... and now, she's going to lay it out for you right here. For your benefit or the benefit of some Roxy in your life. Saucy calls this: Her Kiss-Off Rules.

Disclaimer: Saucy is not an accredited counsellor or couples therapist. Saucy is a near forty-three year old cheerleader with arthritis and a bad back and one of the worst pimples known in the history of ProActive Skin Care festering under her left nostril. She's been around the block a time or two and has the scrapbooks to prove it. She is therefore more than qualified to hand out relationship advice to the lovelorn under eighteen years of age if they ask for it.
Kiss off Rule Number One: Get Control

If a boy breaks up with you over email, phone or gawdforbid, instant message: he wants control of the situation. It's simple. He's afraid. He's worried you might cry, you might make that face you make, he might not be able to go through with it or he might not say the right thing. Maybe he actually doesn't want to hurt you - but inevitably he will and he knows it - but at any rate, by doing his business with you wirelessly, he has control of the situation. When you open that message, you're shocked. You're upset... and he doesn't have to deal. How handy for him!

Saucy's been around the block a few times, Roxy. She's had a boyfriend or two and even a couple of husbands and she'll tell you this: the only time it is acceptable to break off a relationship impersonally is when one person is served legal documents by the other's attourney. Keep it real. It's face to face, or not at all. Some business needs to be handled in person. Mano-a-Mano.

Sister needs to take control. Saucy told Roxy not to answer his calls or texts for at least twenty four hours. She needs to get a handle on her own emotions and not let him mix her up, drown in apology or even have contact. Why?

Kiss Off Rule Number Two:
Boys Don't Respond to Words, They Respond to Action

Roxy, someday you will look back on this day with clarity and maybe the wisdom of Saucy and recall a time in one of your relationships when you looked at a boy while you were talking to him and you saw his eyes were glazed over and you realized he wasn't listening to a word you said. Why is this? Because boys, no matter how old they are, don't really like to "talk." Especially about their feelings. And relationships. That's why they use instant messaging to do their dirty work.

Chances are, you might find yourself talking to a boy one day and feel like he hears nothing but "blah blah blah (insert boy name here)" while you are yabbering. Now is not the time to yabber. Why?

First off, he didn't want to hear your yabbering... that's why he took care of you by phone. If you phone him, you'll give him back the control. He might hang up on you. He might be with his friends. You're upset. You're not at your best. Put a pin in it. Saucy told Roxy to surrender her phone to a friend if she thought she couldn't trust herself not to answer it. No matter what, he put the ball in your court by breaking it off over the phone, so keep it there. For at least 24 hours... but more (or forever) would be best with this guy. Boys don't want to talk about "how it makes them feel" or "what did you mean by this or that." They kind of get on with things and leave girls to do the yabbering with their own kind.

Saucy advises Roxy therefore to lean upon her Mom, her fellow Cheerios, and a pint of Cherry Garcia. There's a boy you can trust until the day you die.
Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Three:
When Saucy Means No Contact, She Means No Contact

And Saucy really means it when Saucy says it. Like a bandaid, he needs to be ripped off painfully but quickly. Roxy is advised to get about her own business and make some plans for the weekend (how handy that it is a busy cheer weekend) and spend some quality time with friends and family. And anyway, if this ends up blowing over in the long run, you will have put in some good time with your pals and avoided some drama. It's a win-win plan... and trust Saucy, you need yourself a plan.

Now is not the time to hang with mutual friends or - and Saucy really means this - go to a party or a game or anywhere where Mr. Itchy Fingers McTexty is hanging out. Don't give in to the drama. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't surrender the control.

And besides, living well is the best revenge. Oprah says so and Saucy agrees. Get out and do something fabulous. Without him.
Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Four: Get Busy

To elaborate: there's lots of other stuff to do. Moping around after the first 24 hours isn't one of them. Give yourself two pints and one day and get on with it. It's hard, yes, but you need to do it.

This mostly applies to high school relationships. For more adult breakup situations, multiply out ice cream and grieving time exponentially.

Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Five: Keep Him Guessing

We have established that boys like to be in control. We have also established that he is avoiding the situation, or he wouldn't have phoned it in. Now, Saucy wants to establish this: he's expecting you to cry, phone, email, text, weep and wail to friends, try to call him out in public.

In short, and not to get too technical and confusing, The Art of War (look it up here) says to know your enemy, to ensure that they know you and then do the opposite of what they are expecting. In short: keep him off-balance. Do the unexpected.

This is partly why Saucy sped to a halt halfway home from practice, ran into The Fan's house and absconded with her laptop to send Roxy an emergency message: ixnaye on the status updatesaye. Saucy sees in her Facebook feed that people like to tell the world how they are feeling and what's going on and all that, and she's hip and cool and down with it, but no contact means no contact. Saucy would lay low for a little while, especially on the world wide intertubes.

Now is not the time to lay it all out on a status update "is missing you terribly" and all weepy and moany like that.

Better yet, a status update along the lines of, "had a great cheer practice, we ran through the routine four times perfectly"... now there's a message. Another good message would be "is studying for a science test" or better yet, no status at all. But not "drowning in a pool of self pity and defeat and feeling completely destroyed and unloved" because heck, that's what he's going to read into anything you type into that little rectangle on your screen... and then he's got the power again. Fo 'shiz.
Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Six:Drop Him Dead With Gorgeous

If you knew Roxy like Saucy knows Roxy, then you'd know... this isn't a problem. She's tall (it's pretty much all leg too), she has long dark hair and giant eyes with dark fringy eyelashes and she never steps so much as into Cheerios practice without wearing just the right workout gear and when she walks away from you, she leaves behind the lingering scent of some exotic mandarin concoction. She has got it going on.

So, Saucy reminded girlfriend to keep it up. Now is not the time to shuffle to school in pyjama bottoms and slippers. If anything, amp it up a notch. Let's take this to the next level... and Saucy does not mean vamp it up. She means, if he ever said, "you look adorable in that sweater" then now is not the time to relegate said sweater to some sarcophygus in your closet lest it remind you of him. Now is the time to put on that sweater... and work it.

He is so going to regret pressing "send."


Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Seven: Watch For Blame Phrases

Saucy read the life-ruining text and it said something along the lines of "I'm not good enough for you" and in all of her forty-three years, she's heard that a grand total of several times and wants Roxy to know... it's not you, it's him.

When a boy says something like, "I don't deserve you" he's probably right. At the very least, he's finally woken up to the truth and at the very worst, he might have already lined up a replacement Roxy at another school, so brace yourself. He might be admitting to his rapscallion ways before you find out the truth.

But the key turn of this phrase is, "you" because if you dissect that sentence as carefully as you took care of the frog in second period, there is a subtle message of blame in there, as in, "you did this by being so wonderful" and truth be told, you are. But don't let anyone blame you for it.

It's simple. He's done, for whatever reason. He may not even have much of a reason because he is a fifteen year old boy and his brain is the size of a walnut at the best of times and not even located in his head... but he called it off and no matter what he says to try to flatter you, it's not easing your pain so don't buy into it.

It's like that old episode of Seinfeld: It's not me. It's you. In this case, it's not you, it's him.
Saucy's Kiss Off Rule Number Eight: What's Done is Done

This is the hardest of all the advice that Saucy is doling out to Roxy right now, but maybe the most important. Saucy has been around too many high schools as a teacher and guidance counsellor over the years and can say this with certainty: move on, there's nothing to see here. Teenage breakups can sort of be like a car wreck sometimes.

Yes, he was the lurrve of your life. Saucy had one of those in grade nine too. He broke up with Saucy over the phone... so you see, Saucy learned these lessons the hard way. But Saucy has noticed a disturbing trend among teen daters: serial breaking up. What is this? You do not share a home, children or property. This does not involve lawyers or in reality, have lifelong impact beyond being blog fodder for you in your forties.

Saucy is all for saving the marriage and all that... but the high school relationship? That's why we have them... to move on. To figure it out. To learn stuff about ourselves in a low-key environment so we can have normal, fully committed adult relationships later. Part of that learning involves breaking up (with class) and moving on (with determination).

The last bit of advice comes straight from The Fan and since she reads this blog, Saucy can't even take credit for it:

There's a new bus every five minutes. The next bus goes a little further than the last one.

Roxy, do you know what a metaphor is? Have they gone over that in English class? Saucy wants you to know that this means simply: get off the bus. Have a quick check of the roadmap. Get a GPS if you think you need one. Find a dollar and start looking for the next bus.

And yeah, when we talked a few minutes ago he'd already texted you eighteen times and you were wondering if this all might blow over... and it might. But the ball is in your court now. Make him run for it. Make him chase your bus.

Lurrve,
Saucy

52 comments:

NGS said...

It's all rather brilliant. I hope Roxy follows your advice!

writing4612 said...

Great advice! Hopefully she can move on. There are plenty of other boys out there. I say boys because we all know they aren't men at fifteen. Who are they kidding?!

Anonymous said...

Man Saucy, you need to write a self-help book for the teen set. It'd be your niche, for sure. Even' I'd buy it.

LisaInCT said...

Love, Love, LOVE the SUPER WISE WORDS OF WISDOM.

Methinks you need to print this out an create "To Love, or Not To Love" handbooks.

Men! Boys!

Great words... hope Ms. Roxy continues to listen to you.

KEEP US POSTED.

Saucy... you're the BEST!

Saucy said...

Well, I try. I aspire to be like Oprah but alas I am too thin, too white and underemployed.

Roxy has a head on her shoulders, she'll be okay. She's got Snookie on the team ready to kick some butt... I might have to calm Snookie down a bit, actually....

Cassandra said...

I just KNEW it'd be beyond brilliant!! SO worth the wait...it's the middle of the night where I live ya know!! Roxy, I hope you take every word to heart, Saucy knows her stuff!!

CC said...

Saucy..
I just had to comment. If we all had a friend as wise as you when we were teenagers,how much better we would have been. You need to write a book for girls..you really,really do. Not only are you wise,you're funny..and that would help a great deal. I'm proud Roxy had you there...and I hope the little twit that left her by texting her,doesn't get a date for the next 5 years.

Jerri-Lea said...

Oh, the advice I needed as a young, in love teenager! Glad that she had a bunch of girlfriends around her and you to give her some great advice and empowerment!

Tracy said...

Saucy,

You sound like one fabulous mentor!

My grandmother used to say, "Never chase a man or a train...there's alway another one coming!"

Love it!

40isthenew30 said...

Can you hear that faint clapping? That is me in Oregon ~ you rock!:0)

Miz Carla said...

You nailed it--great advice and I hope Miz Roxy follows it to a "T"!!I've printed this out and put it in my journal to be consulted when my daughter needs break-up advice.

Rock on Saucy Mama

Lisa Russell said...

Well said, Miss Saucy! I think this deserves to be in one of your sidebars so we can go back to it! ;-) Love The Fan's advice. Keep us updated!

P.S. -- I think the "no talk" thing with men is why they invented the Blackberry! But now I have my iPhone, so I'm happy! Ha!

CuteStuffInside said...

Bravo!

Coco said...

Great advice. Love that it is killing him because she hasn't responded. 18x...yeah...it's working. You rock Saucy.

Gail :) said...

What FANTASTIC advice!!! I want to print it to use when my six year old needs it, obviously years from now LOL! I LOVE the empowering message. Thanks so much for sharing. Oh and Roxy, "You're good enough, You're smart enough, and doggone it people like you", move on to the next bus sister :)

Janet said...

Wow, just wow. Wish I'd had someone like you giving me advice back in those painful teenage years!

SOINSPIRED said...

Those girls are so lucky to have you. As a matter of fact, we all are!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

WHy weren't you there for me when I was young and dumb and heartbroken? Please write this self-help book for teenaged girls and you'll have the bestseller of the decade! The New Mooner books will have zilch on this wisdom and practical advice!!!

Miss Tiff said...

I know some grown women who could use this advice!

Carrie said...

Okay, you really need to write a book! This kind of post could turn into one giant self-help for teens and there aren't and cool, hip ones out there that aren't preachy (and we're looking at you, Dr.Drew) so get on it, sister!

This, and your old relationship philosophy post about dessert and a bag of chips is really good stuff.

Rock on!!

Erica said...

Best blog post I have ever read! I feel like this should be handed out to all teenage girls on their first date! Forget that...it should be printed on a lululemon bag in place of their manifesto for all women to read!

I am almost 30 years old..last year my fiance decided he didn't want to get married. All fine and well except he decided this 38 days before the wedding...the payed for, planned,invites sent out wedding!
Of all the things my friends and family members said to me I wish someone had said something like this!!! I have since moved on and couldn't be happier...but still...this advice you have given is timeless and perfect!

Your daughter and her friends are lucky to have you!

Char said...

I agree with Erica. What is the best way to distribute this message to our teenage girls before they become women and the damage of all this texting and sexting and stuff is done?

Who wants to fund the "Saucy Speaking Tour" of the US high schools?

Kate said...

Testify sister. Build those Cheerios up! You know I lurrve you. Loopy is a very, very lucky young lady. xox

SandraD said...

One of your best blog posts ever!! Great advice for Roxy & all of us. One day Roxy will look back at this as one of her life-altering events. As Oprah says: "When some one tells you who (or what) they are, believe them." So long Chicken Boy!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Im a friend of they guy who dumped her, and hes a mess right now. i think you should all realize that hes beating himself up right now, trying to apologize and hoping hoping hoping that maybe "roxy" will somehow find it in her to forgive him. If you knew this guy you would know that he is sorry from the very bottom of his heart and would rather die then go on without her. the advice is great, but if the guy makes an effoort from the bottom of his heart to win her back, doesn't he deserve to at least be considered? This is ccoming from a girl whos been dumped online not once, but twice. And yes, it sucks. But what if these two were like, soul mates and because of this advice, they never had a chance to find out? So maybe just consider that.

Saucy said...
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Michelle said...
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Tina S said...

Fabulous!!! Love it and will memorize every brilliant tidbit for future reference.

The Fan said...

Every man who acts irresponsibly and wants to get taken back - be it Tiger or Jesse James - thinks if they play the "soul mate" card, it will do the trick.

A true "soul mate" wouldn't have dumped her by phone, even if he did make the mistake to dump her at all. A "soul mate" cares for you whether they are in a relationship with you or not, they never hold a grudge, and even when delivering bad news, they do it to your face with tenderness and compassion.

Trust me, ain't no such thing as a fifteen year old "soul mate"... but if they meet up again at age thirty and care to try again, it might be so. Fifteen years might be long enough to grow up.

Saucy said...

It is also Saucy's observation over the years that boys (and men) really, really like to WIN.

If say, Roxy didn't "roll over" and appear all eager to take him back, perhaps he would feel like he lost the game... to some men, relationships are like a game.

When you take away their ball and they can't play with you anymore, they whine.

Jody said...

Saucy... where were you when I needed such smart advice?! If only someone talked some sense into me at such a young age.

Anonymous said...

If I could be a part of Pop Tart Tuesdays, I would. YOu should make a club of it, like a place to talk about crappy relationships. or maybe just how to treat each other better and on Facebook and stuff.

Thoughtful Reader said...

Hmmm...if that's the case, then why did he break up with her in the first place?...being potential soul-mates and all. Maybe the reason he broke up with her turned him down and now he wants to back track?

Just sayin.

PatQ said...

Where were you when I was a teenager? Oh yeah, you were in elementry school. Great advice and Roxy should do exactly as you say.

Sunny Tuesday said...

This is so funny and SO true! You should write a handbook.

The Stiletto Mom said...

If I could fly to Canada right now and hug you and Roxy, I totally would.

And as for all the anonymous comments, at least there is someone like you in the girls corner fighting for them and giving them encouragement. You can't ask for more than that. You are a great mom and a great mentor to your Cheerios.

Rock on Saucy. I want to be you someday.

the fan said...

Dear Anonymous: Thank you for calling me 'Dude'.
Far out.
xoxo the fan

Saucy said...

Well then Dear Anonymous Friend,

We shall consider the matter closed and if in fact, Sweet Roxy did not heed Saucy's sage words of advice, then let's all hope that you will do so someday, as you say you will.

Because, if someone breaks up with you online for the third time, then you might want to take a different approach than you have been using so far.

Just sayin'

Saucy

Anonymous said...

Other than reading Leica's blog, I don't pay too much attention to what goes on in cyberspace, but I've been following your blog faithfully since March 9th, when I skipped over from Leica's blog. Fantastic post that day - and whoever left the negative comment sure was rude. Your command of the English language is astounding. If every English teacher was as witty and funny as you are, everyone would enjoy their classes. This post for "Roxy" contains so much wisdom. My daughters are married, but I live in hope that no one messes with my little granddaughter, in such an uncaring manner. You amaze me - from your selfless hard work and enjoyment with helping the Cheerios, the beautiful jewelery that you create, your scrumptious cupcakes (thanks again for the delicious cream cheese ones you made for the December 12 wedding) I am in awe of all that you accomplish on a daily basis. Keep putting pen to paper - your postings make my day. Gwen

Nessa, Petu, & M&M said...

Saucy... you. are. pure. genius.

I try to tell this to my friends ALL the time! I hope Roxy followed your advice. Men can be so easy to predict sometimes. lol...

faye said...

I lurve your blog, lurve this advice, I'm on my way to USA Cheer Nationals today with my Cheerios.I printed this out and will share with all the girls. Yes you should write a teen girl book.My daughter is 16 when she was 15 her boyfriend-ah ninth grade romance ,broke up via text over a jealous misunderstanding. Her father and I were not happy with the young man. She has a wonderful kind boyfriend now that would Never do that. My advice to her was from the beginning with the new boy ,tell the boy how you feel about everything-Do not play teenage games. They have been honest with each other and it has been quite refreshing. The boy is asking her to prom with a surprise in my luggage at Nationals-yes he's a keeper!

Shannon said...

I still haven't had time to read all the rules but I love what I've read. Read these rules to your daughters and sons!!

My son is in grade 9 and when I asked if he would ever dump a girl by texting or emailing her he said "that's a jerk thing to do"!

So Roxy there are lots of good guys out there, hang tight for one.

Shannon

Stef said...

I'll be printing this out for future use!

Crista said...

Saucy you are the best. My daughter isn’t old enough to 'date' but I have printed these rules off for when the time comes. The Poptart Tuesday idea cracked me up. Sounds like you need a 22 slice toaster! I picture you channelling a bit of Sue Sylvester when you exclaimed "you think that is hard?" Pure genius! The Cheerios are very lucky to have you not only as their coach, but as a mentor and advocate.

Maggie said...

I need to print this out for my daughters to use someday. Awesome advice.

Kate said...

Ok people...I wasn't going to post this but it seems with the second "anonymous" comment and the rubbing in of said comment it simply must be said. Little ladies all over the world {or at least all over Saucy's blog} listen up and listen good. I am about to give you one single piece of advice that will carry you through this thing called dating. If a boy says "You're too good for me." that is code for "I need to find a girl with lower self esteem." Why would he want that? What do all teen boys want? DO THE MATH. And no boy in highschool is worth giving that away so freely. If they are back together and Roxy is happy, that is fabulous. A smile brightens anyone's day. But one lesson all teen girls need to learn is you are IMPORTANT and you should have the highest of respect for yourself. You are worth it. And I am not above throwing out the occassional "Dude" but The Fan deserves far more respect than that. She raised Saucy. Dude.

Melissa said...

I love this advice. My friend was supposed to get married in Oct. Her and her fiance had a fight in May over something stupid.

He went on a cruise with his family and when he got back he never called her again. He didn't text her or anything.

She was seriously messed up from it! He is 28 years old!!
I am glad I am married and never have to go through that again!

Wendy @ The Shabby Nest said...

Saucy...You are one of my favorite bloggers ever!! You always seem to hit the nail on the head, and this post is no exception.

Keep up the good work!!

Michaele said...

SOOO perfect, and SOOO correct! I was a late bloomer though- I figured out the rules when I was thirty-three.

:)

Better late than never.

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely brilliant. I will make sure my 17 year old daughter reads it!!!

dragonflydreamer said...

Roxy is a very lucky girl to have you to give her this spot on advice. I wish someone had been there when it happened to me in high school over again and I kept making the same mistakes. If I had a daughter, I would print this out, frame it and hang it in her room when she started having crushes.

xo Susis xo

Robin said...

Saucy, I'm 31 and I still go back and read this post anytime I feel like I'm losing my power in a dating situation. Thanks so much for this!!