.... of my birthday draw for a puffy envelope full of goodies!
Simon says the winner of the giveaway is divaqueen883, who should email Saucy with her snail mail address and claim her mystery prize! You see, readers? It pays to be the last one to leave a comment... and answer the question correctly... that's why they call it the "pimp spot".
Simon also says that Saucy is entitled to one American Idol post per season, and she has left it until tonight. She has had quite a bit to say about Idol this year and now that the finale approaches next week, she feels it is her God-and-Simon-given duty to bring non-Idol watchers up to date on where things stand in the competition thus far.
Because, regular reader of this blog just
lurrve it when Saucy expresses her opinions, especially when it comes to
democratic activities like voting and such. So for all you
Gokey-ites out there, this post is not for you. Click the "next blog" button at the top of your screen and save yourself some aggravation. Or, read through and leave me an anonymous hateful comment with the intent to slay me, that would be way more fun for me. (I am talking to you, Elisabeth
Hasslebeck). Let us begin, shall we?
The eighth season of the steamroller American Idol is dwindling to its ever-dramatic finale. As of tonight, three contestants remain and they sang for their very lives. Well, not really for their lives, it is just a metaphor of sorts but it sounds so dramatic when Ryan Seacrest says it, Saucy just had to use it once in this post. For you non-Idol watchers, of which there are about seven, here are the three affable lads shooting for the top prize:
Contestant One: the heavily and odds-on favoured
Adam Lambert, trained in musical theatre and living a slightly dramatic, flamboyant, "out-there" lifestyle and while Saucy isn't sure if Adam is completely and openly living as a gay man, his performances at the
Standup Cabaret on U-Tube is sort of a
tipoff. Nevertheless, Saucy
lurrves the gays.
Contestant Two: the genuine, humble, forgettable Kris Somebody-or-Other. Kris Allen. While no questions have been raised about Kris's lifestyle choices, his wardrobe leaves something to be desired but we'll cover that later.
Contestant Three: The once loved but quickly turned-on widower
Danny Gokey. When Saucy says "turned-on" she does not mean "turned on" as in, "
Danny Gokey turns me on", Saucy means that he was turned-on by many of his fans as the weeks wore on with his cocky demeanor and
laissez-
faire attitude towards the competition. This smug behaviour earned him the nickname "
McSmuggin" on Twitter and so he shall be referred to as such for the remainder of this post.
McSmuggin it is.
Saucy remembers Adam's audition. He had her at "Bohemian Rhapsody". Take a look at that picture and tell Saucy you don't see a potential rock star! Even though the judges thought he was a little too "musical theatre" for the show, he got a gold ticket for the Hollywood round anyway. Saucy knew he would be in the finals, even then. She really did, you can ask Veto.
She went to the trouble of googling him that very night and look what she found: he was very easily googled.
Obviously we are looking at some sort of Freddie Mercury reincarnation, and Saucy is fine with that. Bring. It. On. That is glamtastic.
It was like from the get-go Adam ran away with the show. Week after week, they gave Adam the "pimp spot" and he was the last to perform. Thus, viewers were compelled to tune in and watch the entire show just to see what Adam would come up with next. Adam, do you remember when you slicked your hair back for Motown week and the internet went aflutter?
Do you remember the fabulously wicked ensembles you put together week after week, depending on the theme of the show, each one more unusual than the last?
Adam, you are not just a brilliant vocalist, you are a strategist. You don't mind taking risks, and that's why you could run away with this entire thing.
Do you remember when you sang "Mad World" that time and Simon stood up and led the standing ovation? Saucy does. She stood up in her living room.
Do you remember the white suit during disco week? This is when the word "chameleon" starting to be bandied around in reference to you.
And "fearless"... and "Rock God". At about this point in the competition, Saucy decided that if she ever had a gazillion dollars, she would hire you as her personal singer and you would serenade her during bathtime, because it wouldn't matter if you saw her naked. You would mix her martinis and she would do her Paula impersonation for you after about three of them. Then, you would curl up on the sofa and paint each other's toes black.
Do you remember when Simon deadpanned that you needed to come out of your shell? Saucy still laughs about that one.
Dear Kris Allen, I would like to say I remember your audition also but sadly, no.
But somehow you slid through Hollywood week and there you were, in the top 36. Saucy can't remember how, but you landed in the top ten shortly thereafter, and she has been waffling between somewhat intrigued and not intrigued for the past seven weeks.
Remember when you wore those jeans with a tee shirt and jacket? Saucy cannot remember what you sang, but you went through to the next round.
Remember when you wore your old jeans and one of your dad's shirts? Saucy doesn't remember what you sang, but you went through to the next round.
Remember when you wore your jeans with a plain white tee and again, and Saucy forgetting what you sang, but you showed up at the next round:
... in the same jeans but you pulled out all the stops and put a jacket over your tee shirt. Saucy is scratching her head to remember what you sang but golly, it doesn't matter since you sailed through to the next round:
... where the plaid shirt really shook things up, so way to go, but Saucy is still at a loss to name one of the songs that you sang.
Dear McSmuggin, Saucy really, really liked you at your audition. Even during Hollywood week you were awfully endearing with your best friend competing against you and while it was obvious that you were going to kick his ass, you kept your smugness in check and made it through to the top ten.
McSmuggin, do you remember when you borrowed that shirt from Kris? Or maybe from his dad.
Everyone remembers when you sang "Endless Love" as an ode to your deceased wife. Do you remember making Paula cry? That doesn't mean too much, Paula cries at some point in every episode, but a masterful play of the heartbroken widower card, McSmuggin.
Regardless, there is a strong backlash against you and your back story, so Saucy thinks it is time for you to go home and take your horrific screaming voice back the the unfortunate place of worship where you are employed as musical director. Don't forget to pack your purple satin shirt.
Saucy also has personal messages for the judges:
Dear Kara, Saucy grew to like you, she wavered once or twice towards loathing you when you verbally spat on God/Simon's face, but in the end she accepted your presence on the panel as the "Intern Judge". You actually know loads about music, unlike Paula, and when Loopy found out that you in fact wrote some of the Jonas Brothers music for Camp Rock, you won her over almost immediately. Saucy hopes you stay on. But please, for esthetics and for all that is good and Holy, do not pull your hair back into a tight ponytail and expose your distracting oversized ears. All the better to hear with, one supposes.
Dear Randy Jackson, DAWG! Here's where it's at for Saucy... y'know... she's just saying... that for her... eeeeh... your judging this year was a little off and she'll tell you why. Here's where she's at: she doesn't know man, she just wasn't feeling it. It started out great, got a little weak in the middle but by the end you worked it out a little bit. But Saucy has got to say this, man, you. can. judge. You judged the judging off that judging panel! Shoot, Dawg! Give it up! Randy Jackson in the house tonight! You have got it goin' on. Off the chain! Oh, and props to your new eyewear line, due in stores next month. Can you please hook Danny Gokey up with some new frames?
Dear Simon, you are always right. Some might say you are mean, but Saucy thinks the truth hurts. She was just telling Loopy that people lie to avoid the truth because it hurts and it takes a brave person to tell the truth, so by that reasoning, you are the bravest man on television. Saucy also likes that you admit when you are wrong (Jennifer Hudson, Susan Boyle).
If Simon ever leaves the show, Saucy will follow.
And finally, Dear Paula Abdul: This is the Paula Abdul Saucy remembers seeing in 1986 at the Forum in Los Angeles.
And while this is not a particularly flattering nor favourable look today, it was rockin' in the eighties and that was supposed to be your heyday. Straight up!
But personally Saucy thinks you were at your best when Idol began. You ditched the spangles and sparkles (of which Saucy is normally attracted to like a magpie) and you looked and acted so... normal.
But it was a slippery slope towards incoherence, mixed metaphors, oxymorons and other travesties of the English language. Nobody can butcher an analogy or use double negatives quite like you. Most times Saucy was left with a puzzled look on your face after your critiques. Do you remember when you got mixed up last season and read the wrong critique to the wrong contestant, clearly demonstrating that you have no idea what is going on, let alone what day it is or what year it might possibly be.
Personally, Saucy would like to remember this Paula, but unfortunately, there is a greater chance that these Paulas will have the staying power:
Oh, and Paula, FYI: all viewers are still in therapy trying to erase that travesty of a lip-synching performance you did on last week's show. Will someone please bring Ashlee Simpson back to television appearances? At least her dancing jig was entertaining. And maybe less embarassing, if at all possible.
Saucy only hopes, that for Paula's sake, she heeds the advice Saucy gave during her
Oscar dress wrapup and she finds a better home for her dangling assets.
And after all of that, yes, you can safely assume that Saucy's prediction of the American Idol: Season 8 winner will be:
Adam Glambert.
