In an effort to dispel the myth that Saucy is perfection in a Juicy sweatsuit, a self-proclaimed expert in all areas and a general thorn in the side of her anonymous nemesis (Elisabeth Hasslebeck), she has compiled this comprehensive list of tasks she cannot master, no matter how hard she tries. And believe it reader, she has tried.
Saucy cannot find her way around underground parkades.
Regardless of the fact that most parkades that Saucy encounters involve shopping malls, in which she has a remarkable sense of direction and although not scientifically proven, a possible magnetic homing device enabling her to track a Sephora from the outskirts of a completely unfamiliar city.
But place Saucy in the underground parkade, cosmetics laden and juggling a Yogen Fruz, and Saucy is incapable of locating her vehicle. She has been known to attempt entry into similar vehicles, security vehicles and has even used her cell phone to photograph her parked vehicle before abandoning it to shop so she can refer to the numbers on the pillars when she launches the search party later.
Saucy cannot play the banjo.
Do not think this to be a trite, trumped-up confession of inadequacy designed to make you simply laugh off Saucy's pain. Ever since she fell madly and deeply in love with Steve Martin, her desire to learn to play the banjo consumed her. Why, she was convinced for the better part of the 1980's that her mastery of the instrument would lead to a common bond with her hero and they would make beautiful, dueling music together until the end of time.
Saucy is incapable of operating a simple wine corkscrew.
This has rendered Saucy incapable of opening wine unless it is of the boxed variety and she realizes that would be reprehensible only for the fact that she would then likely consume vast quantities of wine via the easy-to-operate plastic spigot. Indeed, visitors to Saucy's home are summoned in the understanding that they will inevitably have to operate the blasted contraption to obtain their own refreshment.
Thus, Saucy's penchant for the martini. It never involves mechanical intervention, at least at the preparation stage.
Saucy is incapable of cooking rice in any way, shape or form.
Be it brown, white, Uncle Ben's, fancy jasmine rice or the instant variety that horrifies The Fan, rice cooked in Saucy's kitchen results in an inevitable disaster. Witness: the great microwave fire of 2008. Too numerous times to mention, Veto has been presented with sticky, runny, gloopy, dried-out, and sometimes downright burned servings of this basic dietary staple.
It has in fact, become a disastrous psychological struggle for Saucy to even entertain the notion of serving a meal requiring rice as a side dish. Veto's beloved pepper steak is presented with a side of Minute Rice, and her self-consciousness in this area has sunk to an all time low.
Creme brulee? Check. Scratch cakes and pastry? Check. Cream puffs presented as a croc-en-bouche, wedding cakes... you name it. Rice. Run and hide. Order takeout. It's safer.
Any and all attempts at sewing, even of the most rudimentary skill level, will be met wit this:
Regardless of the fact that Saucy over-excelled in the pursuit of merit badges during her tenure as a Brownie and later as a Girl Guide, she was a miserable failure at the sewing machine and... you may want to sit down for this: it was suggested to her in ninth grade Home Economics class that she might perhaps choose another elective that would ensure she not need to refer to the handbook above. 'nuf said.
Saucy dearly would love to learn how to knit, but it was the only merit badge ever awarded on pity alone.
Indeed, the Guiding merit badge evaluator realized that Saucy would never, ever progress beyond the cast on stage of this craft and after several (sixteen to be exact) attempts to display the mastery of casting off, the evaluator caved and awarded Saucy with the badge by extracting the solemn promise that her name would never, ever be used in reference to this coverup.
Every once and a while, Saucy attempts to knit simple scarves and bandages for good causes, but eventually her arthritis and her frustration get the best of her and she pack it in in utter disgrace.
This is one of Saucy's most painful failures, as she will never be able to craft this:
Or a wonderful knit turkey, how jolly this would be during the holiday season:
Or at the very least, Saucy would dearly lurrve to fashion a knit iPhone for Buddy Budderson's birthday. The skill, the patience and the sheer-mind power required elude Saucy, and it pains her to confess this.
And last but certainly not least: Saucy cannot walk away without getting in the last word.
So dear Anonymous, I submit to you the following photo and for your consideration: nobody died and named me fashion police... I assumed the role myself years ago, handing out citations for infractions such as this:
And so I reiterate from my post-Oscar-post: Goldie, Sarah Jessica, it's a slippery slope. Proceed with caution.
Dear Veto,
