guest blogger: loopy!

Loopy here!!! Today I am guest blogging while Saucy and Veto leave me in the cold, bitter, land of Saskatchewan, for the sunny, warm, Cayman Islands. Sadly, Saucy is not here to enjoy (and Veto is not here to mock) the movie I have been waiting for FOREVER!

If you know me at all, you probably know what this movie has to do with... If you guessed it's about one of the mean girls at school getting her head snapped off by a giant man-eating plant after she calls me "fatty", then no... Sadly, that movie is yet to be made. However, if you guessed it was about the Jonas Brothers, then yes, that is exactly what it was about.

The following is my review on
Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience:


After school today, my friend Alex and I (below) went to see the Jonas Brothers 3D concert movie. We lurrve the Jonas Brothers. We have pretty much planned our future, of course I will marry Joe and she will marry Nick. So you can imagine how excited we were to go see our future husbands/brother-in-laws. Well, we were not disappointed... AT ALL! However we did wish it was
a little bit longer. No pun intended... Okay, pun intended. Words cannot explain how ah-mazing this movie is. We especially lurrved the performance of "S
hould've Said No" with Taylor Swift.

We are pretty sure that we were annoying the people in front of us with our clapping, singing, screaming, and squealing... But hey, if you don't want that to happen, don't come to a movie that has anything to do with the JONAS BROTHERS! Uh, dur...



We were a little sad that they didn't perform "Lovebug" or "A Little Bit Longer", but it was a great movie anyway! So great, I'm giving it 5 Nick Jonas' eating a cupcake out of 5.

Dear Veto,
Thank you sooo much for getting us our tickets to the movie. We all know how much the Jo Bros. have cost you this year... But look at those faces??? How could you say no??? Good son-in-laws don't come cheap you know...

xoxo
The Fan

model behaviour

Last evening Loopy and I hung out at the mall. Now, I suppose you are assuming this is normal for us, but it is not, I can assure you. We don't often get out shopping together, I am usually with The Fan or Veto... did I mention that Veto is a shopper?

I needed to hit Dollarama. We also wanted to visit the bead store... Loopy picked up some cool pink suede boots with her birthday gift cards a while back but the plastic beads on them were ghastly. It was, I am sure, the only reason they were marked down so low. So off we went to the mall, Loopy guaranteed a slice of pizza at the food court and I guaranteed not to have to make supper for the two of us.

Have you ever felt like someone was watching you? Have you ever looked up and met someone's eyes and realized they were looking right at you? Have you ever felt like an entire group of people were watching you?

Reader, there was a table of two elderly couples and for the purpose of this story I will call them Fred and Ethel, Desi and Lucy. All eight eyes were peering our direction while we ate our slices. All four mouths were smiling. Loopy didn't pay much attention, she was fairly engrossed at this point in replacing the beads on her boots... why wait until we get home, anyway?

Finally, as we were gathering up our smoothie cups, pizza crusts, beads and boots, Lucy approached us and said to Loopy:



We have been watching you and you are just so beautiful! Are you a model?

Loopy was stumped, of course. I mean, she's a model for me. I suppose that makes her a famous blog-model. She had her little Triple Flip stint in the fall, and her fun Pure Cosmetics experience last summer. But she's not officially a model. We grappled with the compliment for a minute and Ethel chimed in that the four of them had thoroughly enjoyed their snack in the food court, watching Loopy and I laugh and joke and bead and giggle, me rubbing Loopy's back while I chatted with Veto on the phone.

Of course, that also means they were watching us pick off pizza toppings, spit out the nasty bits, and pop the lids of our smoothies to slurp out the last drops. We can't help being utterly glamorous.

A model? Perhaps. A writer? You bet... Loopy will be guest posting here on Friday night. Veto and I are leaving for the Cayman Islands and she will be providing the Cupcake Movie Review of the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience Movie. I've already uploaded the five cupcakes for her... and she doesn't even see the movie until tomorrow. Don't expect harsh critique, but check it out in my absence.
It's bound to be interesting. Let's encourage her inner know-it-all.

* Oh, and P.S. our inspiration for this little photo shoot, other than to try my new camera, was this.

what saucy cannot do

In an effort to dispel the myth that Saucy is perfection in a Juicy sweatsuit, a self-proclaimed expert in all areas and a general thorn in the side of her anonymous nemesis (Elisabeth Hasslebeck), she has compiled this comprehensive list of tasks she cannot master, no matter how hard she tries. And believe it reader, she has tried.


Saucy cannot find her way around underground parkades.

Regardless of the fact that most parkades that Saucy encounters involve shopping malls, in which she has a remarkable sense of direction and although not scientifically proven, a possible magnetic homing device enabling her to track a Sephora from the outskirts of a completely unfamiliar city.

But place Saucy in the underground parkade, cosmetics laden and juggling a Yogen Fruz, and Saucy is incapable of locating her vehicle. She has been known to attempt entry into similar vehicles, security vehicles and has even used her cell phone to photograph her parked vehicle before abandoning it to shop so she can refer to the numbers on the pillars when she launches the search party later.
Saucy cannot play the banjo.

Do not think this to be a trite, trumped-up confession of inadequacy designed to make you simply laugh off Saucy's pain. Ever since she fell madly and deeply in love with Steve Martin, her desire to learn to play the banjo consumed her. Why, she was convinced for the better part of the 1980's that her mastery of the instrument would lead to a common bond with her hero and they would make beautiful, dueling music together until the end of time.

Saucy is incapable of operating a simple wine corkscrew.

This has rendered Saucy incapable of opening wine unless it is of the boxed variety and she realizes that would be reprehensible only for the fact that she would then likely consume vast quantities of wine via the easy-to-operate plastic spigot. Indeed, visitors to Saucy's home are summoned in the understanding that they will inevitably have to operate the blasted contraption to obtain their own refreshment
.

Thus, Saucy's penchant for the martini. It never involves mechanical intervention, at least at the preparation stage.


Saucy is incapable of cooking rice in any way, shape or form.


Be it brown, white, Uncle Ben's, fancy jasmine rice or the instant variety that horrifies The Fan, rice cooked in Saucy's kitchen results in an inevitable disaster. Witness: the great microwave fire of 2008. Too numerous times to mention, Veto has been presented with sticky, runny, gloopy, dried-out, and sometimes downright burned servings of this basic dietary staple.


It has in fact, become a disastrous psychological struggle for Saucy to even entertain the notion of serving a meal requiring rice as a side dish. Veto's beloved pepper steak is presented with a side of Minute Rice, and her self-consciousness in this area has sunk to an all time low.

Creme brulee? Check. Scratch cakes and pastry? Check. Cream puffs presented as a croc-en-bouche, wedding cakes... you name it. Rice. Run and hide. Order takeout. It's safer.


Any and all attempts at sewing, even of the most rudimentary skill level, will be met wit this:


Regardless of the fact that Saucy over-excelled in the pursuit of merit badges during her tenure as a Brownie and later as a Girl Guide, she was a miserable failure at the sewing machine and... you may want to sit down for this: it was suggested to her in ninth grade Home Economics class that she might perhaps choose another elective that would ensure she not need to refer to the handbook above. 'nuf said.

Saucy dearly would love to learn how to knit, but it was the only merit badge ever awarded on pity alone.

Indeed, the Guiding merit badge evaluator realized that Saucy would never, ever progress beyond the cast on stage of this craft and after several (sixteen to be exact) attempts to display the mastery of casting off, the evaluator caved and awarded Saucy with the badge by extracting the solemn promise that her name would never, ever be used in reference to this coverup.

Every once and a while, Saucy attempts to knit simple scarves and bandages for good causes, but eventually her arthritis and her frustration get the best of her and she pack it in in utter disgrace.

This is one of Saucy's most painful failures, as she will never be able to craft this:


Or a wonderful knit turkey, how jolly this would be during the holiday season:


Or at the very least, Saucy would dearly lurrve to fashion a knit iPhone for Buddy Budderson's birthday. The skill, the patience and the sheer-mind power required elude Saucy, and it pains her to confess this.


And last but certainly not least: Saucy cannot walk away without getting in the last word.

So dear Anonymous, I submit to you the following photo and for your consideration: nobody died and named me fashion police... I assumed the role myself years ago, handing out citations for infractions such as this:


And so I reiterate from my post-Oscar-post: Goldie, Sarah Jessica, it's a slippery slope. Proceed with caution.

we're into it

Loopy is into these limited-edition Converse high-top sneaks. She spied them to wear with her dress at her elementary school graduation and with some great luck and timing, Veto and I stumbled onto them at a huge discount while we were in Toronto. They are planted in her closet waiting for the big day. They are mostly pink but they have so much black detail they almost look a little dressy... almost.


I'm pretty sure I have extolled the virtues of the KUMON math program here before, but we really are into it. Loopy does about fifteen minutes of math every day, usually after supper. Once a week she goes to her KUMON classroom where she meets with two wonderful teachers who introduce her to a new math skill and work with her until she has mastered it. All of her daily homework assignments reinforce the new skill using repetition and mastery - something there just isn't enough time for in school anymore, it seems.

Loopy started KUMON almost three years ago - and while she wasn't experiencing difficulties in math at the time, her confidence
has increased and she is working well beyond her grade level in mathematics now. KUMON is for mathematics skill mastery... it is a supplementary program rather than a program for students experiencing difficulties.

If your children are quite young, I highly recommend looking into the KUMON program. They can be assessed as to what their "KUMON level" is and work from there. It is quite possibly the best money we ever spent on an extra-curricular activity. Ever. Done preaching... now the fun stuff:

Loopy and I are into the C.O. Bigelow Lemon Lip Balm that Sassy treated us to on her recent trip to Las Vegas.... mmmm.... we did plant the notion in her head by telling her we'd nipped The Fan's right out of her Christmas gift pack, but Sweet Cousin Sassy forgives us our greed and brought us some of our own anyway.

We are into Soap & Glory cosmetics. Originally from Britain, this line is now available at Shoppers Drug Mart in Canada and at Target in the US. We dig the retro packaging, the punny names (get it?) and best of all, the delicious aroma of the body products. They remind us of some fabulous products that may have lined our Granny's vanity way back when.
We're also into the Arbonne Intelligence Exfoliating Mask. We've been getting this from Sarah for some time now and only recently did we realize we hadn't told you about it! We're on our third tube. You don't really have to use it that often at all but when you do, watch out. Your skin will be clear and smooth... and a little red, so use it at bedtime or when you don't have to go out. It's irritating, but worth it.
We're into the tinted lip and cheek stain Posie-tint by Benefit. The lightweight gel formula makes it easier to work with than its predecessor, Benetint, and the light rose colour is more natural and gentle enough for Loopy. Plus, a little goes a long way and the staining formula means it lasts through the day. Available in Canada at Shoppers Drug Mart. Lurrve.


Finally, we're really, really into the new soundtrack from The Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience. The Fan took Loopy to pick it up today. Ever since we saw Jo Bros in concert this summer, Loopy has been pretty smitten. Actually, that might be an understatement. Veto despairs, "those little bugg
ers have cost me a thousand dollars this year"... and while that is a gross exaggeration, I see his point. The plane tickets, the concert, the book, the movie, the posters, the downloads, the fan club membership, the tee shirt and hoodie, the hat, badges and stickers... okay, I really get Veto's point. But it's still a great disc. Check out Joe's duet with then-girlfriend Taylor Swift "Should've Said No" and the live cover of a Shania Twain song.... we're into it.


What are you into these days? Spill.

the difference between fact and opinion

Fact: Bluemuf is the winner of the birthday party charm bracelet! Let's swap emails and I will get it to you before we go on holidays of Friday!


Fact: I am still parked on the sofa, wrapped up in blankets with Duke. I kept Loopy home from school for just one more day of recovery today and this afternoon after she napped, she announced that it was time to bake again and she is in the kitchen making brownies for us. No matter what, I am trying my best to stay out of the kitchen and let her do everything herself. I can hear the rattling of pans, the beeps of the oven and the cracking of eggs. I'm sure it will be a delicious dinner for us during our recovery.

I had a little thought today while I was reading the comments in my last post about the Oscar fashions. An anonymous commenter made a jibe about my self-proclaimed talents... so I was thinking about doing a post about all of the things I can't do, or do badly, would you like that? Of course you would, but that's just my opinion.

The commenter also said something along the lines of, "and since you like facts so much"... and I don't really remember saying that I particularly like facts, although it would be safe to assume that most people, except for the occasional defense lawyer, like facts. Sure, I like facts. Facts are good. But whether or not I like an Oscar dress is my opinion, and I like to blog me up a little fact and a little opinion on occasion.
Whether or not I liked Mickey Rourke's outfit has little to do with whether or not I saw his movie The Wrestler... and regular readers of this blog know how many movies I see.

Speaking of my opinion...


We slipped out to see Coraline over the weekend, happy to just be out of the house and confident that we weren't contagious. To be brutally honest, I thought it quite boring, in spite of the amazing 3-D effects and the absolutely enchanting production. The intro started off quite promising... but at several points my mind just drifted. Maybe it was my ear infection, maybe it was the predictable "the grass is always greener/Alice in Wonderland with a twist" storyline, I don't know.

Also, don't take any kiddies under the age of ten to see Coraline. It's too long, it drags in spots and there are some pretty creepy scenes inv
olving eyeball-to-black-button assimilation that might be too intense.

If you're the type who just enjoys some fantastic eye candy and can appreciate the craftsmanship of puppetry and modeling, then go and enjoy. The two cupcakes I am giving Coraline are for design and production, and that's it. But that's just my opinion.


saucy's oscar dress rundown


Dear Nicole Kidman,

I have a love/hate relationship with your frock but generally you can pull this off, so I salute you. I would look like a plucked chicken in this dress. The colour was bleh, and it sagged a bit but props to you, you had a baby this year! You'
re gorgeous.

Sincerely,
Saucy


Dear Halle Berry,

You were right on trend for the night. It was dark, had shades of blue, it was strapless and sweet detail... how can you go wrong, anyway? Aren't you the one that could supposedly wear a paper bag and get away with it?


Lurrve,
Saucy


Dear Whoopi Goldberg,

Didn't you say on The View on Friday that The Academy asked you to wear something nice? Is this really your definition of "nice"? I suppose you could have gone to my nemesis, Elisabeth Hasslebeck, for advice.


Oh well, you've done worse,
Saucy


Dear Tina Fey,

I wish you were my BFF and not Amy Poehler's. You looked fantastic in this dress and you with Steve Martin? My dream couple. Glad you had your hair done professionally this time.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow,
Saucy


Dear Reese Witherspoon,

Wow! So many blue and black dresses: Queen Latifah, Kate Winslet, Marion Cottiler, and now you. Awkward! Not your best effort but I think it looked nice.

xoxo,
Saucy

Dear Goldie Hawn,

You are the original California girl. This dress would have been better for a girl, not a grandmother. Props to you for pulling it off, but please, pull it up. Those babies are past their prime.

Hate to be mean,
Saucy

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

You just ooze California casual glamour, if there is such a thing and I didn't just make it up. The hair was really sweet but unsophisticated and I think you did admirably when you presented, considering who was sitting smack i
n the front row. Ugh.

Although, you have worn dresses like this before. Actually, I'm pretty sure you have worn this exact dress before... at your wedding to that cad in the front row.

Your sixth friend,
Saucy



Dear Leslie Mann,

Too shiny. I like the shape. I wonder if it's heavy? You wisely kept the hair low-key and nixed the accessories. Good call.

Saucy

Dear Anne Hathaway,

You were wonderful tonight. Absolutely fantastic, singing and dancing in that opening number with Hugh! You looked so overwhelmed and genuinely touched when Shirley MacLaine introduced you in the Best Actre
ss category. I do believe she is right, you will likely be nominated again.


This column dress by Giorgio Armani is to.die.for. You were stunning, a statue yourself. The giant scale sequins on that skirt didn't really play on regular TV but on Veto's giant HD football screen it really worked.

Much lurrve,
Saucy


Dear Daniel Craig,

Nobody cares what you wear, sir. And where the hell is Mrs. G tonight? You rapscallion.

Saucy


Dear Diane Lane,

You looked so lovely. Really. For this, I forgive you Nights in Rodanthe. That was truly the longest plane ride ever.

Your friend,
Saucy



Dear Queen Latifah,

The dress you wore on the red carpet was so much nicer than the dress you wore onstage to do the farewell tribute. Really, really grand. You should have just kept it on. Why do you famous people feel the need to have two dr
esses for one event?


By the way, you are still one of the people I really, really would like to have lunch with.

Lurrve always,
Saucy


Dear Tilda Swinton,

Am I wrong or did you sort of wear this last year, only this year you found the other sleeve and changed the blouse colour? I like your hair better this year but your eyebrows have gone missing.

But you're friends with George Clooney, so what do I know? I have a seventy pound dog on my lap tonight. I would have lunch with you if you br
ought you-know-who along.

Thanks anyway,
Saucy


Dear Mickey Rourke,

Honestly, I think you do these things just for attention. I know your dog just died last week, but you had over a month to book a tux. You take self-sabotage to a whole new level, dude.

I don't know why, but I have this feeling that in person, you smell like a mixture of Jack Daniels, Aqua Velva and dog urine.

Enough said,

Saucy


Dear Meryl Streep,

Yet again you manage to downplay the event and look sophisticated and not matronly. The whole look is a bit damaged because it hangs too low on your shoulders. Otherwise, Alberta Ferretti did you proud.

Sincere congratulations on nomination fifteen,
Saucy


Dear Amanda Seyfried,

I just don't know... I am positively torn up about this one. On camera when you were presenting, it looked good bow-upwards. But full length, it is a horrible reminder of a wedding party I was in once. Are you too young to know that ginormous bows are almost always a hideous disaster? Do these names mean nothing to you: Geena Davis, Kim Basinger, Brooke Shields, Angelica Huston? Do your h
omework next time!

On the upside, you sported a gorgeous mane of blonde hair and the overwhelming dress doesn't completely ruin your petit frame.

Half Well Done,
Saucy


Dear Robin Roberts,

I seriously just like you, pretty much whatever you wear and it was nice to see a reporter not attempt to upstage the talent (see Mary Hart, below).

Take care,
Saucy


Dear Taraji P. Henson,

How utterly gorgeous, and by adding that sweet ruby
red clutch you avoid looking positively bridal. Roberto Cavalli does it again! Your jewels and your haircut are chic beyond words. One of my favourites, hands down.

Lurrve,
Saucy


Dear Penelope Cruz,

Congratulations for not only winning Best Supporting Actress but quite possibly being one of the best dressed ladies of the night. For a moment I thought Tim Gunn might actually lick you. This vintage Pierre Balmain gown is over sixty years old and stands the test of time! Absolutely stunning, like you. Your acceptance speech was also very gracious.

Mucho gracias,
Saucy


Dear Marion Cotillard,

Your Dior gown is surely a step up from your fish-scale inspired mermaid dress of last year. Although it looks like you've pinched your look from every dress in Sarah Jessica Parker's closet, you look fantastic. I dig. You made amends.

Au revoir,

Saucy

P.S. Someone at Dior should get their knuckles rapped for sending you and SJP in such similar gowns.


Dear Kate Winslet,

This one-shoulder Atelier YSL by Stefano Pilati really suits you. I really like the shade, the detail and the silhouette. Did you lose your handbag?

Everyone knew you were going to win!

Lurrve to you,

Saucy


Dear Angelina Jolie,

You know I am no fan of yours but you still looked quite nice in this Elie Saab column dress accessorized with giant drop emerald earrings by Lorraine S
chwartz! I wish you hadn't pulled your hair all the way back, Vampira-style, but that's your thing. You look better with a soft sweeping bang. The whole look was so safe as to be utterly boring to me. No tattoos, no babies, no creepy brother. Wake me up when Jen walks by.

Sincerely,
Saucy



Dear Melissa George,

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy, so I had to Google you to find out who you were. Nevermind. I just don't know where to start, so I won't say anything at all. So, were you like, somebody's date?

Sincerely,

Saucy


Dear Jessica Biel,

How unfortunate for you. I bet for the first time since you hooked up with Justin, Cameron Diaz isn't jealous. I think she may actually be smirking. Could this possibly be less flattering and all krinkly in the wrong places? Sheesh. Remember: satin + ivory + giant bow = 1980's wedding nightmare.

But seriously, kudos to you for making your own dress with things you had around the house, even I wouldn't attempt that, and I'm a crafty blogger.

Too bad for you,

Saucy


Dear Virgina Madsen,

I don't usually like red dresses on the red carpet because I find it all too "blendy" but this is a fantastic shape and you wear it so terribly well. Me likey. But why all the TV doctors tonight?

Sincerely,
Saucy

Dear Viola Davis,

I remember when Reem Acra made only wedding gowns. I just wanted to say that. It has nothing to do with your dress, I just thou
ght I'd throw that out there and look like a real fashionista. Anyway, your gold sheath was gorgeous, it fit well, it looked comfortable and easy to wear and I bet it was fun to turn around in. You really owned it. I think people will slam the look as a safe one, but oh well.

Sincerely,
Saucy


Dear Vanessa Hudgens,

Wha
t a bold gown choice you made in Marchesa. I think I liked it, especially the unexpected white detail on the bodice. It also fit well and you looked comfortable in it. Well done, young lady.

Kissies,

Saucy


Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

While this Dior gown is exquisite, this vintage-Hollywood look is getting a little tired on you. Truly, it is you and not Tilda Swin
ton who could experiment a little! This is borderline fairy godmother-ish. You forgot your wand.

You did manage to bring out a fabulous old accessory that we were glad to see: Ferris Beuller! Look at his sweet mug. But the gown really is a sweet confection although it is only really good for Penelope Cruz's niece's QuinceaƱera and not for someone our age. Please, SJP, can you tuck your, um, endowments into your bodice?

Try again,
Saucy

Dear Nancy O'Dell,

Very Grecian goddess! Your stylist did a great job with your dress but I really miss the way you used to do your hair. Again, nobody really cares about the press.

Lurrve,

Saucy

Dear Melissa Leo,

Didn't Susan Sarandon wear this dre
ss (and hairdo) a few years back? Oh, well. It still looks matronly, ten years later. Plus, Tilda Swinton has demonstrated several times that it is not attractive to match your hair to your dress colour.

Sincerely,
Saucy

P.S. My favourite part of the entire night was when you bitch-slapped Canadian nobody-interviewer Ben Mulroney on the red carpet. Well done.


Dear Evan Rachel Wood,

Because you are young, you will understand what I mean when I say meh about your Elie Saab gown. This one gets lost in a sea of colour this year. Too close to your skintone, but a lovely cut and bodice detail. Oh, how
I wish it were green.

Have a great night regardless,
Saucy

P.S. Does Mickey Rourke smell like Jack Daniels, Aqua Velva and dog urine?



Dear Miley Cyrus,

First of all: your mama didn't raise you up right if you chewed gum on the red carpet. I was (no pun intended): gobsmacked. The jury is still out at our house regarding your sparkly Zuhair Murad gown.
.. I like the overall effect and you've picked worse, so the bar wasn't set that high in the first place. At least it was age-appropriate, but ditch the Hubba Bubba next year if you are indeed nominated for The Hannah Montana Movie.

Oh, and don't think that we didn't notice that you took Marion Cotillard's dress from last year and put it on steriods, called it a day.

Later,
Saucy

Dear Natalie Portman,

You took what could quite possibly have presented as an upscale prom dress and made it Oscar-worthy! You really pulled off what could have been a terrible colour choice. Methinks it was your choice of accessories and your hairstyle. Very chic, by Rodarte. Thank you for introducing us to new designers... you turned the world onto Zac Posen years ago.

The tan lines were a little unfortunate but oh, well. Also unfortunate: your on-stage antics with Ben Stiller. It all fell a little flat but it had the potential to be funny.

Keep up the good work,
Saucy

Dear Alicia Keys,

I hope you didn't stand too close to Natalie! You look like bridesmaids, side by side. But seriously, a great gown choice by Armani Prive. Awesome hair, shoes and bag as well.

And when you and Zac Efron walked out on stage? The lavender lining of your dress went swoosh, swoosh and I just adored that.


Toodles,
Saucy


Dear Jennifer Grey,

Nobody puts Baby in a corner! You looked delicious in that Dolce & Gabbana. The dress, the hair, the nose, all of it. Saucy lurrves.

Sincerely,

Saucy

P.S. I would like the name of your plastic surgeon.


Dear Lisa Rinna,

The purple colour looks nice with your perpetual tan. Your lips don't even look that puffy tonight. Okay, not so much... I think they might also be purple too. But really, it is a nice dress. And it does the job, you look nice without distracting from the talent.

Hugs,
Saucy

P.S. I don't want the number of your plastic surgeon.


Dear Mary Hart,

So that's what happened to the rest of Scarlett O'Hara's curtains! Oh, well. Nobody cares. My dog also has a seizure when he hears your voice.

Sincerely,
Saucy

Dear Heidi Klum,

This may sound rude, but why are you always at the Academy Awards? And yet again you work the red carpet in an outrageous red confection. This time, an "architectural design" by Roland Mouret. Luckily, you had the shoes on hand from last year's red catastrophe.

I know you took some heat in the press this week about being large, and although I think it's ridiculous for someone to say that, it would be ridiculous to say this dress looks good on you. Maybe it would be okay on the runway in a haute couture conceptual show, but man, this is the freakin' Oscars! Remember what The Fan always says... there is a fine line between an outfit and a getup. This, Dear Heidi, is a getup. You're out.

Auf wiedersehen,
Saucy

Dear Freida Pinto,

You did it! You picked a nice dress for an awards show! Finally. On anyone else, this dress would look like a figure skater's costume... but you pull it off, and nicely. Is it just me or is the cut of it slightly an homage to the sari? You just looked young, fresh and amazing tonight. Make sure you write Mr. Galliano a nice thank you note.

Sincerely,

Saucy

Dear Beyonce,

Girl, you've got a killer figure but there you go again... you are, as Veto says, over the top. The fit, the pattern, the colour combo. This is sort of a wallpaper nightmare. You are still gorgeous, and I'm sitting on my sofa wearing Levi's and a Juicy tee, so what do I know? Still, I suppose it will be revealed that your mother designed this getup.

Sincerely,
Saucy



Dear Amy Adams,

Your Carolina Herrera gown was (as always) an excellent colour choice for you. Consistently, you dress within your pefect shades, it's as though you were draped back in the 80's when that was cool and you carry one of those swatch books in your handbag when you shop. I'm not completely sold on the black bodice detailing... but it needed something to draw the eye to the tuck of fabric up there, otherwise it was destined to get lost. I think it just didn't work with t
hat divine Fred Leighton collar necklace.

The dress was graphic, the necklace organic. I didn't really think they went together just because of the black detail. The dress overall, yes. The colour, yes, yes! The necklace, yes! The black piping, nah.


Lurvve and kisses,
Saucy




Dear Marisa Tomei,

Lurrve
your pleated Versace. It fit like a glove and was the perfect colour. You didn't win because the Acadamy honored you for My Cousin Vinnie and they need to live it down. By nominating you again, they affirmed to themselves that you are a worthy actress but they will never give you another Oscar. I mean: you are one for two and Meryl Streep is two for fifteen. You do the math.

But the dress! That was quite a train and it could have been shorter and had the same effect. It had fantastic detail but did not translate to the red carpet or television at all. I think it looked better on the runway. If you had reduced the train by half or more and the dress had been say, black, it would have been a winner. Sorry... you were so very close. You will find yourself on both best-dressed and worst-dressed lists all week, so have a friend screen your media input for you.

Best wishes,
Saucy


P.S. I really do want to know if Mickey Rourke smells bad! Will someone get back to me?

Lastly, to Sophia Loren,
Boooooo. What was your next-of-kin thinking? Clearly, as a Hollywood legend and icon, you do not utilize the modern concept of hired stylist (ie. Rachel Zoe) but it is unfortunate that at the Nursing Home for Aging Screen Sirens, they are allowing the inmates too much freedom and the results are catastrophic. On the bright side, you were probably one of the few women who appeared on stage wearing her own jewels.

Gratzi,
Saucy


To the Academy:

Thanks also for selecting Sean Penn as Best Actor and Slumdog Millionaire as Best Picture. You know how much I lurrve movies. Hugh Jackman was fan-tas-tic and the whole thing clocked in at four hours! I cannot wait for the remake of Fame.