Dear Reader, did you watch the Emmy Awards last night? What did you think of the dresses? The red carpet is always the best part, don't you agree? Saucy has compiled another list for you, filled with her opinions.
For the anonymous reader who asked after the Academy Award post wondering who died and made me the fashion police... it's a self-proclaimed title, dig? I try to be fair.
Toni Colette: Was this red or fuschia? No matter, it looked nice on you. The deconstructed skirt is a little three-seasons-ago-Project-Runway, but Tim Gunn was nowhere in sight and Heidi Klum was in no condition to proclaim you "out," so you are "in."
Hayden Panettiere: The red is nice for your skin tone, your gold clutch is quite nice and the overall look is very mature, but then again, you're dating someone about twelve years older than you, are you not? I suppose this choice goes with the territory. If you keep this up, next year you can come dressed like Shirley MacLaine.
Blake Lively: I know they do things like this on Gossip Girl, and you certainly have the figure for it, but the J-Lo neckline is for someone much older, or Hayden Panettiere.
Hi there: I have no idea who you are and what you are doing at the Emmy Awards, but I suppose people said that about me the year Veto and I attended the International Emmy Awards, so I will be nice to you and say that you got a really nice outfit at the Dress Barn for the occasion.
Debra Messing: You are obviously back to your Will & Grace weight. I always thought you looked a little gaunt but you certainly wear this haute couture look well with your frame. And you always, always pick colours that compliment your hair and skin tone.
Again, I apologize for not having the slightest idea of who you are, madam, but there is entirely too much going on in this outfit of yours. The straps, the belt, the slit, the train, the peplum... I have no idea where to look so I will let my eyes rest on the red carpet to which you might be attempting to stand out from but unfortunately, you are blending into.
Melora Hardin: So after filming The Office, I guess you took in the Disney on Ice production of Beauty and the Beast?
Jennifer Love Hewitt.... or are you Jennifer Garner? You have the same problem. Your assets are popping out from above your bodice. This dress looked much nicer close up on my high definition screen, which is more than I can say for the almost-exact version I wore of this to a wedding in the late 80's.
Jessica Lange: I suppose you tried. The teal colour was a little harsh and you could have lost the sunglasses. I know it must be bright out there in the California sun, but wearing sunglasses on the red carpet is a perk reserved for the cast of Entourage.
Vanessa Williams: You always look like a beauty queen! The colour, the fit, the hair, the earrings... Wilhemina would be proud!
Dana Delaney: You were one of the first who showed up on the red carpet in the big colour of the night, purple. Because so many people wore it, you sort of got lost in a sea of grapery. You looked really nice and I just thought someone should let you know.
Mary-Louise Parker: Short and purple! How utterly cute you looked. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Mary Hart: Please, just go home and watch from the comfort of your family room like the rest of us. You're starting to annoy us. Plus, every year your hair just blows around all helter-skelter.
Shar Jackson: I liked it! Kind of mauve with black but the too-purple bag could have been swapped out to black, gold, silver or even a smokey grey would have looked better than that purple snake skin.
Elizabeth Perkins: I always get you mixed up with Mary-Louise Parker, sorry about that. You still looked nice in this age-appropriate eggplant number. I bet you didn't feel like tugging or pulling at your neckline or sleeves all night long.
Ginnifer Goodwin: Me likey. Hot colour, well accessorized, and maybe, just maybe, I should dye my hair to be as dark as yours for the fall. Will you get back to me on this?
Padma Lakshmi: Obviously you don't eat one-quarter of the food produced on Top Chef. I like the purple with the red. If you add a floppy hat, you can join one of those clubs for retired ladies that meet at the mall food court once a week for lunch.
Lindsay Price: I really hope that Eastwick works out for you, after Pepper Dennis, Coupling, and Lipstick Jungle. The purple with black is inspired, one of my favourite dresses of the night.
Joely Fisher: May I be so bold as to ask what you are doing here? Obviously I have been to engrossed in American Idol, Mad Men, Project Runway and The Tudors to see if Zoey Busick Wild Card is still in production. Can someone please enlighten me?
Nancy O'Dell: You have a real knack for not upstaging the talent. As I mentioned at Oscar time, Mary Hart could take a lesson from you.
Sarah Silverman: I know you don't take yourself too seriously, so I was shocked when you appeared in this somewhat tasteful and yet unflattering gown. The fake mustache made it work for me.
That was a fake, wasn't it?
Christina Applegate: You can do no wrong. This is perhaps my number one favourite look of the night.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: This is how a dress should fit at the bust, around the waist, at the hips and in length. You have a very good stylist.
Lisa Edelstien: I am positively torn about this gown, and apparently, so is your train.
Dianne Weist: The blue serves you well. The shine of the fabric does not. Hello, every lump and curve. A nice necklace might have drawn the eye upwards and away from all those folds.
Mindy Kaling: You never look this good on The Office, because your character wouldn't know what to do if a decent outfit landed in her inbox. This looks very nice and it suits you. You don't look one bit overdone, perfect for someone who is not nominated nor making a presentation.
Sharon Lawrence: Don't underestimate the power of navy! Not quite black, but not as colourful as blue... this is very classy. The neckline is stunning and your hairdo is just downright sassy!
Kristin Chenowith: Who couldn't find you just absolutely adorable! What a good idea to tuck your tiny frame into a short dress as not to overwhelm. I would really like it if you could get a job on my new favourite show, Glee. Is that asking too much? They've only aired three episodes but you would be perfect for it.
Kate Walsh: This also looked very comfortable but when you were on the stage and I noticed that the back was all cut up and strappy it suddenly looked uncomfortable. I like it when the back of the dress makes sense when compared to the front of the dress. That said, don't turn around and you will be fine.
Jane Krakowski: Ummmm.... the jury is still out. Party gunny-sack, part sheath. The hair and makeup were the bomb, however.
Sandra Oh: This was flattering and understated, even though it was gold, like a statue. The belt slung around your hips was a nice touch.
Phoebe Price: Who are you and what did we do to deserve this?
Kyra Sedgewick: While I have no concerns about the dress... the hair was a little severe at the back and were those the only shoes you had on hand? Black pumps? Really?
Holly Hunter: You just get cuter and cuter, and make better choices every year. If you know Kyra Sedgewick personally, could you mention the nude heels to her?
Drew Barrymore: I like you more and more every year. You grew up so nicely after such a rocky start. These dresses you produce for the red carpet make me green with envy.
Alicia Witt: Perfect dress... now here is an example of how black shoes can be worn with a light coloured gown. They are strappy and light and there is still black on the bodice of the gown, so it all relates. Are you taking notes, Mrs. Bacon?
January Jones: I suppose you could have gone all 50's retro on us and we'd have eaten it up, but here you are looking modern and sleek... just to prove that being Betty Draper is about acting, dahling. I half suspect some critics will eat this Atelier Versace number alive and leave you torn to shreds over it, but it's quite different and unexpected. It does appear, however, to be constructed out of mylar and acrylic sheeting. How uncomfortable is it?
Kara Dioguardi: Way better than anything Paula would have come up with. 'nuf said.
Kim Kardashian: You just lurrve the camera, don't you? Every angle, every turn, every minute. It was all very Greek-Goddess gone reality. The Fan would say "she just eats that camera up at every opportunity, doesn't she?" It's like you wanted us to inspect you for the panty lines that were never coming.
Leighton Meester: Nicely, nicely done. It draped so nicely and I didn't cringe when you appeared onstage.
Olivia Wilde: A little ice-skater competition for me, but the fashion critics are eating it up already, so what do I know? This is not a science, it's opinion. My opinion: too much. Oh, and I saw the backside. It was really, really bad. Like a big old zipper slapped on a nude bodysuit. Please don't do a Kardashian and turn around for the camera.
Jessica Lowndes: From 90210 to the red carpet, looking sweet but the shoes were a little too strappy! They made your legs look short. You girls lurrved your black shoes this year.
Kathy Griffin: D-list celebrity, B-list dress. Not bad!
Chloe Sevigny: For once, you won't have people's tongues a'waggin tomorrow about how you just can't get it together for functions like this. Not the strongest look on the red carpet, but not the most embarrassing for once, either. Good for you!
Tina Fey: The winner, dressed in black and finally looking comfortable in evening wear. This dress just does wonders for you. But, what's with all the black, girlfriend? It's so very morose.
Sally Field: You look radiant and positively youthful in this gown! Better than you've looked in years! Must be the Boniva.
Patricia Arquette: Maybe you need some Boniva. Talk to Sally. You need to make up your mind: sleeve or no sleeve. There is no compromise. I meant to mention that to Kim Kardashian (above) as well but I was hypnotized by her provocative poses. You do not have that skill, so please, I emplore you, cut off that left sleeve.
Plus, I see that you are now sporting the Kate Gosselin haircut. Have you no pride?
Glenn Close: Are you and Jessica Lange seeing the same optometrist? Was there a 2-for-1 sale on Lasik eye surgery? Please ditch the sunglasses on the red carpet. There is no female equivalent for the word douchebaggery.
Other Kardashian Sister: Please go home.
You: I don't even want to know who you are. The car with the Kardashians is leaving and there still might be room if you hustle.
Jenna Fischer: Aren't you just lovely, all dolled up like this? I think that if people saw you like this more often and not like your character in The Office, you could star in a romantic comedy!
Christina Hendricks: Thank you for bringing curves back to Hollywood. Please, please, please, let them catch on.
Chandra Wilson: The pattern was a stroke of genius and so was that neckline. Good work. Again... hello curves! Welcome.
Amy Poehler: There are a few shots of you that are less than flattering in this gown, due to the placement of the beading, it looked like you might have a bit of a baby bump going on. Regardless, it is a nice dress and all dresses don't look perfect at all angles. And it would be hypocritical of me to bash your curves given what I said above.
Alyson Hannigan: I have to say that I love this dress, because I wore something very similar to the International Emmys in 2004... honestly, you look better in it anyway. I concede.
Heidi Klum: Are you in or are you out? This is the look that will get the most attention tomorrow. Reminiscent of a guppy fish? Yes. Are you still absolutely beautiful no matter what you wear? Yes? Love it or hate it (and I haven't decided), kudos to you for not being planted on the sofa with a gallon of ice cream and a jar of Vlasics.
That being said, there may be some room in the Kardashian ride if you sit up front with the driver.
Reader, did Heidi get this right? Saucy is exhausted and cannot make one more fashion proclamation. This one is up to you.