emmy dress rundown


Dear Reader, did you watch the Emmy Awards last night? What did you think of the dresses? The red carpet is always the best part, don't you agree? Saucy has compiled another list for you, filled with her opinions.

For the anonymous reader who asked after the Academy Award post wondering who died and made me the fashion police... it's a self-proclaimed title, dig? I try to be fair.


Toni Colette: Was this red or fuschia? No matter, it looked nice on you. The deconstructed skirt is a little three-seasons-ago-Project-Runway, but Tim Gunn was nowhere in sight and Heidi Klum was in no condition to proclaim you "out," so you are "in."


Hayden Panettiere: The red is nice for your skin tone, your gold clutch is quite nice and the overall look is very mature, but then again, you're dating someone about twelve years older than you, are you not? I suppose this choice goes with the territory. If you keep this up, next year you can come dressed like Shirley MacLaine.


Blake Lively: I know they do things like this on Gossip Girl, and you certainly have the figure for it, but the J-Lo neckline is for someone much older, or Hayden Panettiere.


Hi there: I have no idea who you are and what you are doing at the Emmy Awards, but I suppose people said that about me the year Veto and I attended the International Emmy Awards, so I will be nice to you and say that you got a really nice outfit at the Dress Barn for the occasion.


Debra Messing: You are obviously back to your Will & Grace weight. I always thought you looked a little gaunt but you certainly wear this haute couture look well with your frame. And you always, always pick colours that compliment your hair and skin tone.


Again, I apologize for not having the slightest idea of who you are, madam, but there is entirely too much going on in this outfit of yours. The straps, the belt, the slit, the train, the peplum... I have no idea where to look so I will let my eyes rest on the red carpet to which you might be attempting to stand out from but unfortunately, you are blending into.


Melora Hardin: So after filming The Office, I guess you took in the Disney on Ice production of Beauty and the Beast?


Jennifer Love Hewitt.... or are you Jennifer Garner? You have the same problem. Your assets are popping out from above your bodice. This dress looked much nicer close up on my high definition screen, which is more than I can say for the almost-exact version I wore of this to a wedding in the late 80's.


Jessica Lange: I suppose you tried. The teal colour was a little harsh and you could have lost the sunglasses. I know it must be bright out there in the California sun, but wearing sunglasses on the red carpet is a perk reserved for the cast of Entourage.


Vanessa Williams: You always look like a beauty queen! The colour, the fit, the hair, the earrings... Wilhemina would be proud!


Dana Delaney: You were one of the first who showed up on the red carpet in the big colour of the night, purple. Because so many people wore it, you sort of got lost in a sea of grapery. You looked really nice and I just thought someone should let you know.


Mary-Louise Parker: Short and purple! How utterly cute you looked. Don't let anyone tell you different.


Mary Hart: Please, just go home and watch from the comfort of your family room like the rest of us. You're starting to annoy us. Plus, every year your hair just blows around all helter-skelter.


Shar Jackson: I liked it! Kind of mauve with black but the too-purple bag could have been swapped out to black, gold, silver or even a smokey grey would have looked better than that purple snake skin.


Elizabeth Perkins: I always get you mixed up with Mary-Louise Parker, sorry about that. You still looked nice in this age-appropriate eggplant number. I bet you didn't feel like tugging or pulling at your neckline or sleeves all night long.


Ginnifer Goodwin: Me likey. Hot colour, well accessorized, and maybe, just maybe, I should dye my hair to be as dark as yours for the fall. Will you get back to me on this?


Padma Lakshmi: Obviously you don't eat one-quarter of the food produced on Top Chef. I like the purple with the red. If you add a floppy hat, you can join one of those clubs for retired ladies that meet at the mall food court once a week for lunch.


Lindsay Price: I really hope that Eastwick works out for you, after Pepper Dennis, Coupling, and Lipstick Jungle. The purple with black is inspired, one of my favourite dresses of the night.


Joely Fisher: May I be so bold as to ask what you are doing here? Obviously I have been to engrossed in American Idol, Mad Men, Project Runway and The Tudors to see if Zoey Busick Wild Card is still in production. Can someone please enlighten me?


Nancy O'Dell: You have a real knack for not upstaging the talent. As I mentioned at Oscar time, Mary Hart could take a lesson from you.


Sarah Silverman: I know you don't take yourself too seriously, so I was shocked when you appeared in this somewhat tasteful and yet unflattering gown. The fake mustache made it work for me.

That was a fake, wasn't it?


Christina Applegate: You can do no wrong. This is perhaps my number one favourite look of the night.


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: This is how a dress should fit at the bust, around the waist, at the hips and in length. You have a very good stylist.


Lisa Edelstien: I am positively torn about this gown, and apparently, so is your train.


Dianne Weist: The blue serves you well. The shine of the fabric does not. Hello, every lump and curve. A nice necklace might have drawn the eye upwards and away from all those folds.


Mindy Kaling: You never look this good on The Office, because your character wouldn't know what to do if a decent outfit landed in her inbox. This looks very nice and it suits you. You don't look one bit overdone, perfect for someone who is not nominated nor making a presentation.


Sharon Lawrence: Don't underestimate the power of navy! Not quite black, but not as colourful as blue... this is very classy. The neckline is stunning and your hairdo is just downright sassy!


Kristin Chenowith: Who couldn't find you just absolutely adorable! What a good idea to tuck your tiny frame into a short dress as not to overwhelm. I would really like it if you could get a job on my new favourite show, Glee. Is that asking too much? They've only aired three episodes but you would be perfect for it.


Kate Walsh: This also looked very comfortable but when you were on the stage and I noticed that the back was all cut up and strappy it suddenly looked uncomfortable. I like it when the back of the dress makes sense when compared to the front of the dress. That said, don't turn around and you will be fine.


Jane Krakowski: Ummmm.... the jury is still out. Party gunny-sack, part sheath. The hair and makeup were the bomb, however.


Sandra Oh: This was flattering and understated, even though it was gold, like a statue. The belt slung around your hips was a nice touch.


Phoebe Price: Who are you and what did we do to deserve this?


Kyra Sedgewick: While I have no concerns about the dress... the hair was a little severe at the back and were those the only shoes you had on hand? Black pumps? Really?


Holly Hunter: You just get cuter and cuter, and make better choices every year. If you know Kyra Sedgewick personally, could you mention the nude heels to her?


Drew Barrymore: I like you more and more every year. You grew up so nicely after such a rocky start. These dresses you produce for the red carpet make me green with envy.


Alicia Witt: Perfect dress... now here is an example of how black shoes can be worn with a light coloured gown. They are strappy and light and there is still black on the bodice of the gown, so it all relates. Are you taking notes, Mrs. Bacon?


January Jones: I suppose you could have gone all 50's retro on us and we'd have eaten it up, but here you are looking modern and sleek... just to prove that being Betty Draper is about acting, dahling. I half suspect some critics will eat this Atelier Versace number alive and leave you torn to shreds over it, but it's quite different and unexpected. It does appear, however, to be constructed out of mylar and acrylic sheeting. How uncomfortable is it?


Kara Dioguardi: Way better than anything Paula would have come up with. 'nuf said.


Kim Kardashian: You just lurrve the camera, don't you? Every angle, every turn, every minute. It was all very Greek-Goddess gone reality. The Fan would say "she just eats that camera up at every opportunity, doesn't she?" It's like you wanted us to inspect you for the panty lines that were never coming.


Leighton Meester: Nicely, nicely done. It draped so nicely and I didn't cringe when you appeared onstage.


Olivia Wilde: A little ice-skater competition for me, but the fashion critics are eating it up already, so what do I know? This is not a science, it's opinion. My opinion: too much. Oh, and I saw the backside. It was really, really bad. Like a big old zipper slapped on a nude bodysuit. Please don't do a Kardashian and turn around for the camera.


Jessica Lowndes: From 90210 to the red carpet, looking sweet but the shoes were a little too strappy! They made your legs look short. You girls lurrved your black shoes this year.


Kathy Griffin: D-list celebrity, B-list dress. Not bad!


Chloe Sevigny: For once, you won't have people's tongues a'waggin tomorrow about how you just can't get it together for functions like this. Not the strongest look on the red carpet, but not the most embarrassing for once, either. Good for you!


Tina Fey: The winner, dressed in black and finally looking comfortable in evening wear. This dress just does wonders for you. But, what's with all the black, girlfriend? It's so very morose.


Sally Field: You look radiant and positively youthful in this gown! Better than you've looked in years! Must be the Boniva.


Patricia Arquette: Maybe you need some Boniva. Talk to Sally. You need to make up your mind: sleeve or no sleeve. There is no compromise. I meant to mention that to Kim Kardashian (above) as well but I was hypnotized by her provocative poses. You do not have that skill, so please, I emplore you, cut off that left sleeve.

Plus, I see that you are now sporting the Kate Gosselin haircut. Have you no pride?


Glenn Close: Are you and Jessica Lange seeing the same optometrist? Was there a 2-for-1 sale on Lasik eye surgery? Please ditch the sunglasses on the red carpet. There is no female equivalent for the word douchebaggery.


Other Kardashian Sister: Please go home.


You: I don't even want to know who you are. The car with the Kardashians is leaving and there still might be room if you hustle.


Jenna Fischer: Aren't you just lovely, all dolled up like this? I think that if people saw you like this more often and not like your character in The Office, you could star in a romantic comedy!


Christina Hendricks: Thank you for bringing curves back to Hollywood. Please, please, please, let them catch on.


Chandra Wilson: The pattern was a stroke of genius and so was that neckline. Good work. Again... hello curves! Welcome.


Amy Poehler: There are a few shots of you that are less than flattering in this gown, due to the placement of the beading, it looked like you might have a bit of a baby bump going on. Regardless, it is a nice dress and all dresses don't look perfect at all angles. And it would be hypocritical of me to bash your curves given what I said above.


Alyson Hannigan: I have to say that I love this dress, because I wore something very similar to the International Emmys in 2004... honestly, you look better in it anyway. I concede.


Heidi Klum: Are you in or are you out? This is the look that will get the most attention tomorrow. Reminiscent of a guppy fish? Yes. Are you still absolutely beautiful no matter what you wear? Yes? Love it or hate it (and I haven't decided), kudos to you for not being planted on the sofa with a gallon of ice cream and a jar of Vlasics.

That being said, there may be some room in the Kardashian ride if you sit up front with the driver.

Reader, did Heidi get this right? Saucy is exhausted and cannot make one more fashion proclamation. This one is up to you.

40 comments:

kerryanne said...

I love your Emmy Dress posts!!

Heidi- hmm. Yes, really gorgeous lady but not sure if that dress was so flattering. All for showing off the belly but not quite the right dress...

Anonymous said...

Isn't the first unknown red dress/Dress Barn dress Jennifer Morrison who plays Dr. Cameron on "House"? Sure looks like it to me, but I could be wrong ...

queen-of-nostalgia said...

Saucy, you rule. Top notch!

Heidi... that dress made me think of a really bad fishing expedition when I was a kid, and my uncle caught a fish... let's just say, it was the reason I will never eat caviar and I can't bear to look at Heidi in that dress...

J.G. said...

LADIES, PLEASE. WHEN YOU ARE THAT OLD, NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR ARMS!

Okay, I feel better now. Thanks for letting me say that.

That's all I can add to an otherwise spot-on post. Thank you, Saucy!

Sarah said...

Oh Dear. Heidi looks awful.

And Patricia Arquette? Her dress was so damn tight that while she was presenting she was gasping for air. I wanted to cut her out of it immediately.

There was another actress whose name I cannot remember at all (Irish and wearing a red dress, maybe it had something to do with a miniseries?) whose dress was the most horrible thing I have ever seen. It was cutting her boobs in half and it looked like the bottom half was near her belly button. (Not that mine aren't, but, I digress, lol) A bra ladies! A bra...

Anonymous said...

Saucy, as usual, your opinions match mine on the runway. I so look forward to these posts, your humour kills me. Wow, there are so many new faces these days, I don't know how you keep up with them all!! D
PS - I can't decide about Heidi either - it's a toss up. Sorry for the lack of help on my part.

geni said...

Heidi is adorable in anything, whatever shape she happens to be!
Especially when she speaks..love the accent.

Linda Crispell said...

I think you need to become "Saucy Stylist To The Stars".
Why are the Kardashians famous? Is it just because their Dad disposed of OJ's murder weapon?
Heidi Klum, we get it, your always pregnant.

The Stiletto Mom said...

I lurve your post award show dress reviews...and yes, you got it right all the way around!

oliver rain said...

I think Tina Fey looked gorgeous. I think that some of the dresses looked way better on screen that in the pictures. I think I prefer a more subtle showing off of the baby belly. Thanks for the reviews. I missed the pre-show due to work!

SOINSPIRED said...

OMG! I laughed so hard, I cried.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

MeeeeeeOW! And you nailed it, as always.

Patricia Arquette always looks like she's in pain. Doesn't matter what she wears, she just can't pull it off. Metamucil might help her with that.

I cannot stand Rat Face... err Julia Louis-Dreyfus that is. I don't care what she wears, the second she opens her yap I have to change the channel.

Christina Applegate did look wonderful - what a great dress, eh?

Leighton Meester - I object strenuously to the shoulder baggage. If we were doing a blonde joke I might suspect they were protective padding for the "I don't know" head flopping.

Chloe Sevigny - I would totally put that curtain up in my bathroom.

Heidi Klum looks more like a Black Moor (fish) than a Guppy I think...

Gail :) said...

I always love your fashion reviews! Chaundra looked A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. ! I can't decide about Heidi. She is always lovely, but how many seal babies is she going to have?

Saucy said...

I know that times, they are a changin' but I think most people don't want to see that big 'ol baby under there. People like to know it's there, but they don't really want to see it any more than they want to babysit it.

SandraD said...

What a great (and thorough) post. I totally agree with your comments about the Kardashians. They need to go and stay home. Shirley MacLaine needs a new stylist!

Grace said...

hahahaa I have my whole office reading and cracking up!! Heidi looks like a pregnant mermaid in mourning!!! she is absolutely a beautiful woman though..maybe it is the angle the picture was taken...the woman that you wrote YOU: she is Karina a profesional dancer with dancing with the stars...lol Now why and how did the Kardashians get here? What is thier purpose?? Love your review it was fun..

Fantastic Forrest said...

Please do a live blog next year. The fashion assessment is just not enough Saucy goodness. We readers need your assessment of the show as well.

You are spot on in your opinions. At least, in my opinion.

Saucy said...

The show? I really liked the show! I think TV isn't taking itself too seriously... the actors were having fun with the speeches and the nomination stuff. The "Dr. Horrible" part was great - Loopy and I just about died! We <3 Neil Patrick Harris + Nathan Fillion.

Didn't you all just love the opening number? I never thought I would say that, ever.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I've said it before, I would pay to sit on the couch with you and hear the commentary LIVE during the Emmys, Tonys or any movie awards show. (I don't do any other kind of awards shows, but you'd probably make them fun too.)
Why aren't they hiring you in tinsel town?

Kate said...

Gorgeous? YES. Brave? HECK YES! That picture startled me. LOL Love me some Saucy commentary!

Jade said...

Christina Hendricks is absolutely gorgeous, but I think my favorite dress belongs to Drew Barrymore.

Miss Quoted said...

Heidi is a big IN! She looks happy, gorgeous and radiant. Plus she combed here hair, something a lot of the Emmy girls didn't do this year.

Jerri-Lea said...

oh, you are a funny lady!! I don't know who half those people are! I must be getting old and out of touch!!

It also makes me wonder what I'll wear to the charm party.. I'm a little nervous!

Saucy said...

I had to Google a few of those names as they walked onto my television screen. Apparently, I don't watch enough reality TV. Who knew?

{lauryl} said...

LOL! You crack me UP!!! I didn't know who half those people were, either. Guess I don't watch enough TV. Although I don't really consider it a problem. As for Heidi... I think it's a good look. But holy hell, is she pregnant AGAIN? Geez louise.

Pepper said...

I am all about the belly when you are pregnant but maybe if it hadn't been black?? Who thought I would ever say that hey Saucy?????!!!!!!! I am a no on the Heidi dress. She is beautiful though!

Raven said...

Hmmm, we agreed on some and disagreed on MANY. I had to cut my list much shorter than all those that I pulled.
You can check out my hits & misses on my blog. :)

LOVE yer witty commentary. I'm a happy new follower, Miss Saucy.

xxx

Melissa said...

I didn't care for too many of the dresses, but I did like Blake Lively's.

I mean if i had her body I would be wearing it!!

Allyson Hannigan looked really good! loved her dress!

Cyndi said...

Is it just me, but does the unknown Dress Barn actress looks like she's missing a leg? Saucy, don't stop doing these red carpet reviews! You're so funny; I wish I was sitting on the couch with you during the show!

Raven said...

I do commend you on getting yer post in early. I was a slacker when it went beyond an hour to do the post, so mine wasn't up until this afternoon.

I like to do mine and then see what others have to say about the hits and misses. I don't wanna be persuaded to like something I initially thought was a bit off. Case and point, Mary-Louise Parker. I met her once, she was a bitch and I immediately now hate anything she does. You made me like the dress she wore enough to now wanna include it in my 'Meh' category, but sorry, the post is closed. LOL

I did have to cut out a lot as these posts take MUCHO time to do as you know, so I totally understand leaving out the designer names. I didn't get them all myself.

AND, you posted a darling number on
Jessica Lowndes that I missed.

You rock, Sassy Saucy. Yer one of my new faves. Stop by anytime and I'll be sure to do the same.

xxx

julia said...

I love your Emmy dress round-up. I was actually thinking as I was watching "E!" - I need to see what Saucy said...she's way better.

I did think you were a little nicer than I would have been with some of the fashion disasters. I thought Heidi's dress was awful. What normal person wants to be remembered looking like that? Sarah Silverman's dress was just tragic. I can't believe that someone probably helped her pick that out.

Thank you so much for all the work - it's such a treat to read your take on things!

Anonymous said...

I really wish a magazine would hire you to do this! I was worried you wouldn't cover the Emmies the way you did the Oscars!

When are the next awards?

KC in KS

jkddz said...

Very interesting... I have no idea who half the ladies were!!

Guess I need to start watching t.v.
=P

Watching "Accidentally on Purpose" Love Jenna Elfman

and then the "Big Bang Theory" A HUGE fan on this show!!

Kelly said...

Heidi Klum is a babe, love her rockin' the baby belly! I wish I looked that cute preggo.

Kelly said...

I was laughing so hard! You definitely accomplished this reader's reason for reading you! You are so darn funny!

Jen B said...

You are hilarious!
I love reading all your posts, but especially these red carpet report cards. Great work!

Rue said...

Excellent commentary Saucy!! You were right on with every word :)

Katie said...

Oh Saucy! You made Katie's head swoon with all those pretty (and awful) dresses.

MJ said...

Sarah Silverman: please fire whomever helped you pick out that dress during an electrical black-out. No one should have to experience what you went through during the Emmy's. I don't even know you and I feel so sorry for you.

With my deepest sympathy,
MJ

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