simon announces the winner

.... of my birthday draw for a puffy envelope full of goodies!

Simon says the winner of the giveaway is divaqueen883, who should email Saucy with her snail mail address and claim her mystery prize!  You see, readers? It pays to be the last one to leave a comment... and answer the question correctly... that's why they call it the "pimp spot".

Simon also says that Saucy is entitled to one American Idol post per season, and she has left it until tonight. She has had quite a bit to say about Idol this year and now that the finale approaches next week, she feels it is her God-and-Simon-given duty to bring non-Idol watchers up to date on where things stand in the competition thus far.

Because, regular reader of this blog just lurrve it when Saucy expresses her opinions, especially when it comes to democratic activities like voting and such. So for all you Gokey-ites out there, this post is not for you. Click the "next blog" button at the top of your screen and save yourself some aggravation. Or, read through and leave me an anonymous hateful comment with the intent to slay me, that would be way more fun for me. (I am talking to you, Elisabeth Hasslebeck).  Let us begin, shall we?


The eighth season of the steamroller American Idol is dwindling to its ever-dramatic finale. As of tonight, three contestants remain and they sang for their very lives. Well, not really for their lives, it is just a metaphor of sorts but it sounds so dramatic when Ryan Seacrest says it, Saucy just had to use it once in this post. For you non-Idol watchers, of which there are about seven, here are the three affable lads shooting for the top prize:


Contestant One: the heavily and odds-on favoured Adam Lambert, trained in musical theatre and living a slightly dramatic, flamboyant, "out-there" lifestyle and while Saucy isn't sure if Adam is completely and openly living as a gay man, his performances at the Standup Cabaret on U-Tube is sort of a tipoff. Nevertheless, Saucy lurrves the gays.


Contestant Two: the genuine, humble, forgettable Kris Somebody-or-Other. Kris Allen. While no questions have been raised about Kris's lifestyle choices, his wardrobe leaves something to be desired but we'll cover that later.


Contestant Three: The once loved but quickly turned-on widower Danny Gokey. When Saucy says "turned-on" she does not mean "turned on" as in, "Danny Gokey turns me on", Saucy means that he was turned-on by many of his fans as the weeks wore on with his cocky demeanor and laissez-faire attitude towards the competition. This smug behaviour earned him the nickname "McSmuggin" on Twitter and so he shall be referred to as such for the remainder of this post. McSmuggin it is.



Saucy remembers Adam's audition. He had her at "Bohemian Rhapsody". Take a look at that picture and tell Saucy you don't see a potential rock star! Even though the judges thought he was a little too "musical theatre" for the show, he got a gold ticket for the Hollywood round anyway. Saucy knew he would be in the finals, even then. She really did, you can ask Veto.

She went to the trouble of googling him that very night and look what she found:  he was very easily googled.


Obviously we are looking at some sort of Freddie Mercury reincarnation, and Saucy is fine with that. Bring. It. On. That is glamtastic.


It was like from the get-go Adam ran away with the show. Week after week, they gave Adam the "pimp spot" and he was the last to perform. Thus, viewers were compelled to tune in and watch the entire show just to see what Adam would come up with next. Adam, do you remember when you slicked your hair back for Motown week and the internet went aflutter?


Do you remember the fabulously wicked ensembles you put together week after week, depending on the theme of the show, each one more unusual than the last?


Adam, you are not just a brilliant vocalist, you are a strategist. You don't mind taking risks, and that's why you could run away with this entire thing.


Do you remember when you sang "Mad World" that time and Simon stood up and led the standing ovation? Saucy does. She stood up in her living room.


Do you remember the white suit during disco week? This is when the word "chameleon" starting to be bandied around in reference to you.


And "fearless"... and "Rock God". At about this point in the competition, Saucy decided that if she ever had a gazillion dollars, she would hire you as her personal singer and you would serenade her during bathtime, because it wouldn't matter if you saw her naked. You would mix her martinis and she would do her Paula impersonation for you after about three of them. Then, you would curl up on the sofa and paint each other's toes black.


Do you remember when Simon deadpanned that you needed to come out of your shell? Saucy still laughs about that one.


Dear Kris Allen, I would like to say I remember your audition also but sadly, no.


But somehow you slid through Hollywood week and there you were, in the top 36. Saucy can't remember how, but you landed in the top ten shortly thereafter, and she has been waffling between somewhat intrigued and not intrigued for the past seven weeks.

Remember when you wore those jeans with a tee shirt and jacket? Saucy cannot remember what you sang, but you went through to the next round.


Remember when you wore your old jeans and one of your dad's shirts? Saucy doesn't remember what you sang, but you went through to the next round.


Remember when you wore your jeans with a plain white tee and again, and Saucy forgetting what you sang, but you showed up at the next round:


... in the same jeans but you pulled out all the stops and put a jacket over your tee shirt. Saucy is scratching her head to remember what you sang but golly, it doesn't matter since you sailed through to the next round:


... where the plaid shirt really shook things up, so way to go, but Saucy is still at a loss to name one of the songs that you sang.


Dear McSmuggin, Saucy really, really liked you at your audition. Even during Hollywood week you were awfully endearing with your best friend competing against you and while it was obvious that you were going to kick his ass, you kept your smugness in check and made it through to the top ten.

McSmuggin, do you remember when you borrowed that shirt from Kris?  Or maybe from his dad.


Everyone remembers when you sang "Endless Love" as an ode to your deceased wife.  Do you remember making Paula cry?  That doesn't mean too much, Paula cries at some point in every episode, but a masterful play of the heartbroken widower card, McSmuggin.
 

Regardless, there is a strong backlash against you and your back story, so Saucy thinks it is time for you to go home and take your horrific screaming voice back the the unfortunate place of worship where you are employed as musical director.  Don't forget to pack your purple satin shirt.

Saucy also has personal messages for the judges:


Dear Kara, Saucy grew to like you, she wavered once or twice towards loathing you when you verbally spat on God/Simon's face, but in the end she accepted your presence on the panel as the "Intern Judge".  You actually know loads about music, unlike Paula, and when Loopy found out that you in fact wrote some of the Jonas Brothers music for Camp Rock, you won her over almost immediately.  Saucy hopes you stay on.  But please, for esthetics and for all that is good and Holy, do not pull your hair back into a tight ponytail and expose your distracting oversized ears.  All the better to hear with, one supposes.


Dear Randy Jackson, DAWG!  Here's where it's at for Saucy... y'know... she's just saying... that for her... eeeeh... your judging this year was a little off and she'll tell you why.   Here's where she's at:  she doesn't know man, she just wasn't feeling it.  It started out great, got a little weak in the middle but by the end you worked it out a little bit.  But Saucy has got to say this, man, you. can. judge.  You judged the judging off that judging panel!  Shoot, Dawg!  Give it up!  Randy Jackson in the house tonight!  You have got it goin' on.  Off the chain!  Oh, and props to your new eyewear line, due in stores next month.  Can you please hook Danny Gokey up with some new frames?


Dear Simon, you are always right.  Some might say you are mean, but Saucy thinks the truth hurts.  She was just telling Loopy that people lie to avoid the truth because it hurts and it takes a brave person to tell the truth, so by that reasoning, you are the bravest man on television.  Saucy also likes that you admit when you are wrong (Jennifer Hudson, Susan Boyle).  

If Simon ever leaves the show, Saucy will follow.

And finally, Dear Paula Abdul:  This is the Paula Abdul Saucy remembers seeing in 1986 at the Forum in Los Angeles.


And while this is not a particularly flattering nor favourable look today, it was rockin' in the eighties and that was supposed to be your heyday.  Straight up!


But personally Saucy thinks you were at your best when Idol began.  You ditched the spangles and sparkles (of which Saucy is normally attracted to like a magpie) and you looked and acted so... normal.


But it was a slippery slope towards incoherence, mixed metaphors, oxymorons and other travesties of the English language.  Nobody can butcher an analogy or use double negatives quite like you.   Most times Saucy was left with a puzzled look on your face after your critiques.  Do you remember when you got mixed up last season and read the wrong critique to the wrong contestant, clearly demonstrating that you have no idea what is going on, let alone what day it is or what year it might possibly be.


Personally, Saucy would like to remember this Paula, but unfortunately, there is a greater chance that these Paulas will have the staying power:



Oh, and Paula, FYI: all viewers are still in therapy trying to erase that travesty of a lip-synching performance you did on last week's show.  Will someone please bring Ashlee Simpson back to television appearances?  At least her dancing jig was entertaining.  And maybe less embarassing, if at all possible.

Saucy only hopes, that for Paula's sake, she heeds the advice Saucy gave during her Oscar dress wrapup and she finds a better home for her dangling assets.

And after all of that, yes, you can safely assume that Saucy's prediction of the American Idol: Season 8 winner will be:


Adam Glambert.

25 comments:

Jody said...

Thanks for the late-night giggle. Paula & her 'assets' have really gone 'downhill'.

Coco said...

I love Adam and I think he is a great performer. He blew me away with Ring of Fire. His performance of Mad World was awesome. As much as I love him I didn't think his performances last night were his best.

He seems to be just a bit over confident to me. Actually I am suprised that Simon hasn't told him he was self indulgent or too cocky like he did David Cook last year.

Don't get me wrong. I am a big fan. My daughter felt the same way as I did. However, the hubs thought it was excellent.

I actually liked Kris Allen's first performance. The good news is they will all have great opportunities in the future no matter what happens.

I love Randy Jackson. He is the dawg. But I usually agree with Simon. I love it when I feel one way, the hubs another and Simon agrees with me.

Paula is forever my girl. I love her but have really hated how incoherent and insecure she has acted in the past. At least she makes sense most of the time this year.

Diana...I am not too sure about her. I don't dislike her. She hasn't grown on me yet. But then I am not a Jonas Bros fan. My daughters are a little old for that fan club so I haven't been exposed. But I can see the appeal.

Anonymous said...

Oh, oh, Saucy!
Divaqueen lurves this post! And really, she doesnt say that just because she's uber excited at the prospect of getting Mail From Saucy From Canada here in teeny tiny little coon bottom, usa! (The postman will freak!) I won, woohoo!
Ahem. I digress.
Somewhere in the night last night, Steven Tyler SIGHED. The kid, he's got mad skills. My main man, Cowboy, knows already I will possibly shed tears if Adam doesnt win. I love his David Bowie-esque Ch-Ch-changes. He could be one of the boys that hang out with my son and eat up all my groceries any day!

And totally...what was Paula thinking last week? I was a tad worried. It felt a little Britney-esque..you know, that time Ms Spears did that thing with the synching and the shuffling and half hearted grinding...weird.
And it certainly didnt help that she was followed by the young, nubile, i-just-had-2- babies-and-look-like-a-teenager Ms. Gwen Stefani, who ran around with more energy than i have had in ten years, doing pushups and practically performing cirque-de-solei-type cartwheels off the stage.

And oh! I *heart* Simon. 'Nuff said.

Yes, kizmet. All signals are go.
Rock on Saucy! And THANK YOU in advance for whatever I've won! First time winner for anything, woo hoo!

PS- will Buddy Budderson be trying out for Idol soon?

xoxoxo
divaqueen883@yahoo.com

Trace Geworsky said...

Ive been rooting for Adam too..at least he has got a personality..the other 2 are ho hum;
I LOVE Simon bevause he actually has the balls to stand up and say the truth..the others are always on tip toes, scared of hurting others feelings.
Paula's assets are..ugh....sick
TRace Geworsky
scrapper_t@mts.net

MJ said...

Ummm... I don't know what station American Idol plays on; it certainly isn't PBS or CBC. I read through the post for educational purposes at future water-cooler-in-the-office meetings.

That said, I am looking forward to seeing your Paula impressions. Only 3 martinis needed? That should be do-able.

for srayner@saskpower.com

Tricia said...

Wowie, that was funny. I haven't been watching this season, but have heard folks talking about it...My time has been spent between Project Runway,celebrity apprentice, and Survivor. It has been quite entertaining with alot of contestants really 'stepping up' and 'bringing it to the table' and then there were a few that got 'thrown under the bus'.
fandyksman@sasktel.net

Dayle said...

If Adam doesn't win, I'm swearing off this show forever and ever and ever....until next season starts, and then I won't be able to help myself, I'll have to watch. But seriously, ADAM! he is amaaaaazingggg! I'm sure we'll be listening to his music for years and years to come.

TidyMom said...

even though I'm going to disagree with your choice of winner (please don't dis-own me! LOL) I LOVED LOVED LOVED your post!

you crack. me. up!

Sorry, Kris lover, Adam disliker here!! I have to mute the TV when he (Adam)screeches LOL

~TidyMom

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Okay, I don't even watch this show--never have watched it. That said, your post was SO entertaining and I agree that your Adam should win. We need a new Glam Rock God. He'll do just fine.

Saucy said...

MJ, you might want to up your game. Idol is Gwen Ifill's favourite show, and once, Noam Chomsky was sitting in the audience. He was a big Kellie Pickler supporter.

Babsarella said...

Yo Saucy-girl, you hit ALL the nails on the heads. Adam is a mega-star (pure 'dope' as Randy would say) and will be whether he wins or not. I think he could do theater, film, and concerts cuz that boy can SING and put on quite a show. LURVE him to bits. I think the show will loose TONS of viewers if he should get the boot tonight (although I can not imagine that will happen). If there is any justice at all, Kris Whatever will say buh-bye. Oh, and your comments on Simon...true dat. He may not be kind, but he knows his stuff...big time. I wasn't sure how much I would like the 4 judge panel, but I have come to enjoy all the opinions...plus it is nice to have a lady with a clue.

Amy said...

My DH called Adam as the winner the first time he saw him. And I really loved him. But there is something about him that is just buggging me. Probably the inches of makeup. Life has got in the way so I have drifted off in my viewing and next week I have to choose between Idol and my daughter. She wins hands down. She gives much better performances playing ball. Again, love your wit-somebody needs to give you a job as a Judge.

SandraD said...

My Idol viewing has been sporadic -thanks for filling in all the blanks. Your assessment of the judges is spot-on.

sdickie@nicholsenvironmental.com

Junie Moon said...

I agree with everything you've said (and said well). Adam is the clear winner. I worry about a repeat of the lame Taylor travesty where Chris D. didn't win. While Chris has gone on to enjoy an amazing career, Taylor just lost his funding (yesterday I think) due to his non-worthiness. I'm set on not watching this show with my husband anymore if Adam doesn't win. As for the judges, you've hit that subject quite well. I appreciate and respect Simon's opinon and the rest I dismiss.

Suzy said...

Boy Saucy, you hit every note perfectly with this post. And wow, what time you put in with the analogies. I loved every bit. I was going back and forthe between this show and the finale of biggest loser....Another woman wins it all!!!! 54 percent body lose...crazy!
Thanks for the laughs,
Suzy

Karyn - (French Charming) said...

Saucy...YOU CRACK ME UP! That was some post! I love Adam, I love to hear him sing but most of all I love to look at him...sigh. I could look at him...well...forever!

Joanne said...

oh.my.goodness!

I am 100% with you here!

I've been watching on and off the whole season - but got a little peeved when Allison got voted off and thus ended my dream of a rocker finale between her and Adam.

And of course he is going to win. He is the most talented by far.

And I will buy his CD.

And different is good.

The end.

Christine said...

Hahahahaha. Hilarious. This whole thing makes me wish that I watched American Idol this season. I stopped watching it after Season One but this season sounds like it was fairly entertaining. I did hear the three guys sing at the end of the last episode when they did a review of them and I thought all of them were awesome. I would have picked Kris Allen but I haven't watched all season so I can't say for sure. And I totally agree with you. People are too hard on Simon. His job isn't an easy one and sometimes even if you try to put it nicely people still don't get it.

Christine Bruce
crispy_crunch05@hotmail.com

LisaInCT said...

Saucy,

If you ever decide to hang up your tiara as BlogMistress, you can EASILY put together a stand up comedy show. You crack me up.

I will admit, I have failed to watch Idol this year... cause I just can NOT stand Paula. In the past, I was forced to hit the "mute" button every time she gave her "critique." She. Needs. To. Go. DAWG.

The few times I turned in... I liked Kara.

But, I (like you) lurrves me some Simon! :)

I do think Adam is amazingly talented, based on what I've seen.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on your blog by accident, and didn't realize you were saying everything "tongue in cheek." That being the case, I didn't think you were funny at all, and your pick for AI is exactly who they were telling you to vote for last night. No thinking for yourself obviously. By the way Coco, Adam MURDERED Ring of Fire so bad it made my skin crawl. He is so OVER RATED with his stupid tongue/scream thing. Gag me with a spoon!!

3rdEyeMuse said...

hehe ... that was a pretty good nutshell.

congratulations divaqueen!

Leica said...

Saucy,
I LOVE reading negative comments from those that trash & bash and then hide behind "anonymous". The fact that you took us through years of change, your PERSONAL opinion and shared with us a laugh or two was as usual exceptional. I love that you speak that way, as everyone has their own opinion. Thanks for making my day! I don't personally watch idol, don't have the time, but for once your blog post made it one that I might want to catch next time it is on. I love your sense of humour!!!!

Angela Harris said...

Adam is great but after Kris Allen's performance of Heartless I'm SO voting my butt off for him :) hehe..Adam is great too but he'll be fine if he wins or not. Kris...not so much. Funny post!

Saucy said...

Agreed... Adam will be fine whether he wins Idol or not. Although he is the heavy favourite going into the final this week, Kris would benefit more from winning. It would serve them both in the long run for Kris to win and Adam to have the freedom to do his own "out there" thing and cater to his die-hard fan base that has developed. Plus, I just can't picture him in a flurry of confetti belting out some corny penned by Kara. It should be Kris, but will likely be Adam.

Saucy said...

Oh, and Anonymous Elisabeth Hasslebeck! How I have missed you. Obviously your little hiatus from The View has given you time to read my blog and make a few "flamer" comments. Don't ever change. You are hands down, my most favourite opinionated, closed-minded television personality ever and I might even choose you to have lunch with over Anne Coulter, because you actually have tear ducts and raging hormones as well as weak arguments, so it would be easier to make you submit to my will.