what saucy cannot do

In an effort to dispel the myth that Saucy is perfection in a Juicy sweatsuit, a self-proclaimed expert in all areas and a general thorn in the side of her anonymous nemesis (Elisabeth Hasslebeck), she has compiled this comprehensive list of tasks she cannot master, no matter how hard she tries. And believe it reader, she has tried.


Saucy cannot find her way around underground parkades.

Regardless of the fact that most parkades that Saucy encounters involve shopping malls, in which she has a remarkable sense of direction and although not scientifically proven, a possible magnetic homing device enabling her to track a Sephora from the outskirts of a completely unfamiliar city.

But place Saucy in the underground parkade, cosmetics laden and juggling a Yogen Fruz, and Saucy is incapable of locating her vehicle. She has been known to attempt entry into similar vehicles, security vehicles and has even used her cell phone to photograph her parked vehicle before abandoning it to shop so she can refer to the numbers on the pillars when she launches the search party later.
Saucy cannot play the banjo.

Do not think this to be a trite, trumped-up confession of inadequacy designed to make you simply laugh off Saucy's pain. Ever since she fell madly and deeply in love with Steve Martin, her desire to learn to play the banjo consumed her. Why, she was convinced for the better part of the 1980's that her mastery of the instrument would lead to a common bond with her hero and they would make beautiful, dueling music together until the end of time.

Saucy is incapable of operating a simple wine corkscrew.

This has rendered Saucy incapable of opening wine unless it is of the boxed variety and she realizes that would be reprehensible only for the fact that she would then likely consume vast quantities of wine via the easy-to-operate plastic spigot. Indeed, visitors to Saucy's home are summoned in the understanding that they will inevitably have to operate the blasted contraption to obtain their own refreshment
.

Thus, Saucy's penchant for the martini. It never involves mechanical intervention, at least at the preparation stage.


Saucy is incapable of cooking rice in any way, shape or form.


Be it brown, white, Uncle Ben's, fancy jasmine rice or the instant variety that horrifies The Fan, rice cooked in Saucy's kitchen results in an inevitable disaster. Witness: the great microwave fire of 2008. Too numerous times to mention, Veto has been presented with sticky, runny, gloopy, dried-out, and sometimes downright burned servings of this basic dietary staple.


It has in fact, become a disastrous psychological struggle for Saucy to even entertain the notion of serving a meal requiring rice as a side dish. Veto's beloved pepper steak is presented with a side of Minute Rice, and her self-consciousness in this area has sunk to an all time low.

Creme brulee? Check. Scratch cakes and pastry? Check. Cream puffs presented as a croc-en-bouche, wedding cakes... you name it. Rice. Run and hide. Order takeout. It's safer.


Any and all attempts at sewing, even of the most rudimentary skill level, will be met wit this:


Regardless of the fact that Saucy over-excelled in the pursuit of merit badges during her tenure as a Brownie and later as a Girl Guide, she was a miserable failure at the sewing machine and... you may want to sit down for this: it was suggested to her in ninth grade Home Economics class that she might perhaps choose another elective that would ensure she not need to refer to the handbook above. 'nuf said.

Saucy dearly would love to learn how to knit, but it was the only merit badge ever awarded on pity alone.

Indeed, the Guiding merit badge evaluator realized that Saucy would never, ever progress beyond the cast on stage of this craft and after several (sixteen to be exact) attempts to display the mastery of casting off, the evaluator caved and awarded Saucy with the badge by extracting the solemn promise that her name would never, ever be used in reference to this coverup.

Every once and a while, Saucy attempts to knit simple scarves and bandages for good causes, but eventually her arthritis and her frustration get the best of her and she pack it in in utter disgrace.

This is one of Saucy's most painful failures, as she will never be able to craft this:


Or a wonderful knit turkey, how jolly this would be during the holiday season:


Or at the very least, Saucy would dearly lurrve to fashion a knit iPhone for Buddy Budderson's birthday. The skill, the patience and the sheer-mind power required elude Saucy, and it pains her to confess this.


And last but certainly not least: Saucy cannot walk away without getting in the last word.

So dear Anonymous, I submit to you the following photo and for your consideration: nobody died and named me fashion police... I assumed the role myself years ago, handing out citations for infractions such as this:


And so I reiterate from my post-Oscar-post: Goldie, Sarah Jessica, it's a slippery slope. Proceed with caution.

42 comments:

Junie Moon said...

Oh my, that last photo was a doozer.

I love your post. If it makes you feel any better, I can't perform neurosurgery, sing a single recognizeable note, and there's no way I can tie cherry stems with my tongue.

sassy studio said...

I am still laughing dear cousin Saucy! Look out rice! Have you tried a rice cooker or would the Fan be too upset? Yoda is famous for his sticky rice, we have no idea how he does it but it always is so sticky you only need a tiny serving because it takes a week to digest! Todd's 40th is in April and his buddies are having beers this Sunday, what favor can I make with a photo of Todd that guys would dig? Help!

Liberty Biberty said...

Hello my friend!
I too cannot cook rice. I was given a rice cooker for my birthday (the rice sticks to the bottom of it anyway) but after years of sub-standard gluggy rice the kids have gotten used to it that way and that's the way they prefer it!
I think I was the longest serving Brownie in our pack, the day they decided I should leave they just asked me if I could do a whole pile of things, threw a handful of badges at me and I was happily on my way!
Greetings from New Zealand!
Mercedes

DivaDeb said...

Ho-oh-ohly Mother of......

I am utterly and completely speechless. Saucy, where were you when this atrocity was taking place? Why in Gloria Vandebilt's name didn't you tackle her to the ground and cover her with your wimpy knitted scarves?
WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
(We all know what HE was thinking....)

Please, Saucy, continue on with your selfless advisories to the fashion-challenged. The world needs you! Anonymous can go shop at KMart. For polyester. (I think she's left snarky comments on my blog, too)

3continentfamily said...

Oh gosh you are so funny. And seriously, that last photo? Really??

I would be sorely disappointed if you ever stopped your fashion policing.

Tyler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MaryCatherine said...

Your fashion policing is a service to our country...it is your selfless efforts to ensure that we style savvy women never unconsciously commit a faux pas (spelling???) by stepping out of the house in those hot pink pumps we fell in love with, or that purple lipstick we just KNEW would go so well with our blouse, or those pleather platform boots that haven't looked good since the 90's...doesn't "anonymous" know that he/she should be sending you a sealing waxed thank-you note? A gold encrusted papyrus scroll??? Heck, a FRUIT basket for your services?

Jeez...some people!

And by the way...I can't sew either...that's my my glue gun and I have a love affair.

Starshine said...

I missed the Oscars, so your post on the Oscar dresses was all the news coverage I got.

Bummer about the hateful anonymous commenter.

Don't let the icky commenters get you down, sister!

Chris said...

You are so funny.
We share the very same nemsis , can you believe her !

The Pumpkin Pink Cottage said...

LOL... omg... yepper Sarah is getting close to that drastic infraction... I love your blog you always make me smile.. hugs, Lisa

Barb said...

Holy Mother of Pearl, that is the most MEMORABLE wedding gown I have ever seen. What was she thinking? And where was her mother?!

The Inept Aspirant said...

Saucy, I just lurrve you! Don't ever change!

Sarah and Jack said...

O.M.G. Must now go poke eyes out with fork.

Emy said...

I can't cook rice either. But I have a secret. I buy rice from the freezer section. It's with the vegetables! It's perfect in a way that I could never make. And sometimes I just add black beans to it and call it a meal. :)

Q said...

Dear Saucy,
You are a dear to admit to not being perfect...almost perfect but room for growth.
My daughter gave me a rice cooker.
Easy delicious rice everytime.... saved me from always buring the rice...We have rice at least once a week now.
The wedding photo is so sad....
Goldie is a delight but must watch it! We cannot be 30 forever.
Sherry

TeamKeiling said...

Love it Saucy!
Keep being your self- that's what keeps us coming back for more :)

Donna O. said...

Does eveyone know about your blog?? You are SO damned funny. I just read your Oscar blog and laughed all the way through!! I'm serious.
D.
What'd you find out about Mr. Rourke?

bluemuf said...

Saucy, this was amazing. I am still laughing. thank you for making my morning

Karen

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

Did you doctor that picture? Please say some young bride did not think that was her dream dress.

(I still contend you do everything. Well. That's all.)

Jen Anderson said...

Have you tried a rice cooker? I find that mine is fairly disaster proof.

And as for knitting? It would take time away from your other crafting. You can always barter something you made for a knitted iPhone. (Oh, and the Pac Man is crocheted, so maybe it's not beyond your grasp after all.)

I loved your Oscar fashion roundup, so keep it up!

Julia said...

Dear Saucy,

Two words (or is it one when it's hypenated?): Pitch-perfect! I love your blog because you always strike the exact right note. Thank you! Signed, Julia (I don't have a blog yet, but I never want to be Anonymous, for sure)

SandraD said...

Thanks for sharing your "things" list. It is a enviable skill to be able to mock yourself with such humour. I would add my check mark to the many recommendations for a rice cooker. Dump in the water,rice, give a little stir and walk away.

The Shabby Princess said...

Holy cow! That last photo may leave me with nightmares.

I can't knit either.

Rebekah said...

I needed this post, because some days I'm just "ENOUGH WITH YOUR PERFECTY PERFECTSON LIFE ALREADY - I AM SO DONE WITH YOU BEING ABLE TO DECOUPAGE WITH YOUR TOES WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY COORDINATING A BANQUET FOR FIVE THOUSAND GUESTS!"

Ahem. So it's nice to figure out that you at least THINK you are inadequate a little. Even though we ALL KNOW you are not.

Also...how did you get my wedding photo there...do you mean that I look like SJP?? SQUEEEE!

Katie said...

Holy bad fashion! That pic is over the top. Literally. LOL!

Saucy~my heart goes out to you, I can not play the banjo either.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

hahahaha!

Coco said...

Funny. And tell anonymous if they don't like your opinion to go somewhere else. Why take yourself so seriously that you have to make ugly comments. It takes all kinds.

Coco

Janeen said...

Stop! Stop! My mouth and stomach hurt so much from laughing that they ache! Oh my stars the microwave post was so funny! I just love you Saucy! Just keepin' it real! I wish everyone could laugh at themselves! Your post gives me an idea though, I need to write myself a letter!

I have to go lie down now with a cold compress on my forehead to recompose myself. ha ha ha

Linda Crispell said...

Dear Saucy,
Why do you mock my beautiful wedding photo? If only you could have seen the back of my dress- I had a giant hole cut out to show my ample bum! I felt like an angel in that. Both Grandpas died of strokes that day, oh well.
Do you think anonymous Oscar dork is the same person as anonymous election dork? Why does she keep coming back for more?

Tammy said...

I am so with you on the lack of sewing skills, knitting, and having to have the last word! That's me! I would love to sew like a pro. All the beautiful pillows I could make and drapes and stuffed animals. Sigh. I just look for those things on Etsy and Ebay to purchase from someone who is talented in that area!
That last picture is a hoot!

Saucy said...

Linda Crispell!

Why do you make me laugh so hard? I read your comment a half an hour ago and I am still laughing and weeping and typing and weeping and chuckling...

Rice cookers are for wussies! I like to ruin perfectly good pots and microwave ovens! Plus, if I can only use a rice cooker, how will I ever triumph over my nemesis Elisabeth Hassleback on Survivor 26: Former Contestants v. Bloggers???

Melissa said...

I can't cook rice either! I thought I was the only person!!!

Mine is always soupy but not burned!!

But my hubby doesn't care for rice, I wonder why?

MJ said...

Oh, dear God, did someone run off with her wedding dress and the photo shows the only contraption she could find in her last minute search for a dress?

As for rice, here's my formula for white basmati rice: double the water (ie: 2 c water), add another half of water (ie: 1/2 c water) plus salt, a dab of butter and, when boiling add one part rice (ie: 1 c of rice). Boil away the water, remove it from the heat and put a lid on it to steam. (Brown rice requires more water).

I went to 2 Shoppers today & wasn't able to locate She-laq. Doh!

Sara said...

OMG!!! That dress is a tragedy! You are the best, I really enjoy your blog!

Sara

Vintage Kitten said...

Oh Saucy, I cant knit, my rice is always naff, I always break the cork while its half stuck in the bottle (I once had to smash the top of the bottle with a hammer and strain the wine through a sieve...honestly!) Im partial to a Martini too and my ample chest has fell out of several dresses (say no more!!!) but Im still fabulous LOL! And so are you Ms Saucy X

The Mrs. said...

The wine opener thing is a problem!!! LOL. you need one of those fancy $50 easy jobbys.

MoonBunny said...

You're so funny!

Cherie said...

Two words on the rice thing: Trader Joe's They have the BEST frozen rice that you just pop into the microwave and three minutes later...PERFECT RICE! They have brown rice and jasmine rice. Awwwwwe-some! Try it out.

And as for the knitted iPhone...have you thought of trying it with felt? It's amazing what things can be created from felt with a pair of scissors and some embroidery thread. Really.

Great post Saucy!

jkddz said...

you know what somewhere I was looking there was an app for where you park..thought of you right away!

kari
zachariask@spsd.sk.ca

if by the rare grace.. we win the JB tickets... we will already be in Edmonton-Dj will be competing at the Baton World's!

michelleb. said...

Have you tried Uncle Ben's boil in the bag rice? Seriously, all you need is a pot of water and a timer.

mblaise29@yahoo.com

mblaise3 said...

That last photo is hiilarious!!
I hope you can knit that i-phone that would be really neat!!

Christine said...

That last photo...oh man. That shouldn't be allowed. I mean it's a wedding! You'd think that one would regret wearing a dress like that later on but..oh well haha. Those pacman pieces and turkey! Hilarious! I want to know who came up with the knitted turkey, that is amazing! I'm sure one day you will learn how to make the perfect rice..either that or use a rice cooker?

Christine Bruce
crispy_crunch05@hotmail.com