saucy's oscar dress rundown
Dear Nicole Kidman,
I have a love/hate relationship with your frock but generally you can pull this off, so I salute you. I would look like a plucked chicken in this dress. The colour was bleh, and it sagged a bit but props to you, you had a baby this year! You're gorgeous.
Dear Halle Berry,
You were right on trend for the night. It was dark, had shades of blue, it was strapless and sweet detail... how can you go wrong, anyway? Aren't you the one that could supposedly wear a paper bag and get away with it?
Dear Whoopi Goldberg,
Didn't you say on The View on Friday that The Academy asked you to wear something nice? Is this really your definition of "nice"? I suppose you could have gone to my nemesis, Elisabeth Hasslebeck, for advice.
Oh well, you've done worse,
Dear Tina Fey,
I wish you were my BFF and not Amy Poehler's. You looked fantastic in this dress and you with Steve Martin? My dream couple. Glad you had your hair done professionally this time.
Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow,
Dear Reese Witherspoon,
Wow! So many blue and black dresses: Queen Latifah, Kate Winslet, Marion Cottiler, and now you. Awkward! Not your best effort but I think it looked nice.
Dear Goldie Hawn,
You are the original California girl. This dress would have been better for a girl, not a grandmother. Props to you for pulling it off, but please, pull it up. Those babies are past their prime.
Hate to be mean,
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
You just ooze California casual glamour, if there is such a thing and I didn't just make it up. The hair was really sweet but unsophisticated and I think you did admirably when you presented, considering who was sitting smack in the front row. Ugh.
Although, you have worn dresses like this before. Actually, I'm pretty sure you have worn this exact dress before... at your wedding to that cad in the front row.
Your sixth friend,
Dear Leslie Mann,
Too shiny. I like the shape. I wonder if it's heavy? You wisely kept the hair low-key and nixed the accessories. Good call.
Dear Anne Hathaway,
You were wonderful tonight. Absolutely fantastic, singing and dancing in that opening number with Hugh! You looked so overwhelmed and genuinely touched when Shirley MacLaine introduced you in the Best Actress category. I do believe she is right, you will likely be nominated again.
This column dress by Giorgio Armani is to.die.for. You were stunning, a statue yourself. The giant scale sequins on that skirt didn't really play on regular TV but on Veto's giant HD football screen it really worked.
Dear Daniel Craig,
Nobody cares what you wear, sir. And where the hell is Mrs. G tonight? You rapscallion.
Dear Diane Lane,
You looked so lovely. Really. For this, I forgive you Nights in Rodanthe. That was truly the longest plane ride ever.
Dear Queen Latifah,
The dress you wore on the red carpet was so much nicer than the dress you wore onstage to do the farewell tribute. Really, really grand. You should have just kept it on. Why do you famous people feel the need to have two dresses for one event?
By the way, you are still one of the people I really, really would like to have lunch with.
Dear Tilda Swinton,
Am I wrong or did you sort of wear this last year, only this year you found the other sleeve and changed the blouse colour? I like your hair better this year but your eyebrows have gone missing.
But you're friends with George Clooney, so what do I know? I have a seventy pound dog on my lap tonight. I would have lunch with you if you brought you-know-who along.
Dear Mickey Rourke,
Honestly, I think you do these things just for attention. I know your dog just died last week, but you had over a month to book a tux. You take self-sabotage to a whole new level, dude.
I don't know why, but I have this feeling that in person, you smell like a mixture of Jack Daniels, Aqua Velva and dog urine.
Dear Meryl Streep,
Yet again you manage to downplay the event and look sophisticated and not matronly. The whole look is a bit damaged because it hangs too low on your shoulders. Otherwise, Alberta Ferretti did you proud.
Sincere congratulations on nomination fifteen,
Dear Amanda Seyfried,
I just don't know... I am positively torn up about this one. On camera when you were presenting, it looked good bow-upwards. But full length, it is a horrible reminder of a wedding party I was in once. Are you too young to know that ginormous bows are almost always a hideous disaster? Do these names mean nothing to you: Geena Davis, Kim Basinger, Brooke Shields, Angelica Huston? Do your homework next time!
On the upside, you sported a gorgeous mane of blonde hair and the overwhelming dress doesn't completely ruin your petit frame.
Half Well Done,
Dear Robin Roberts,
I seriously just like you, pretty much whatever you wear and it was nice to see a reporter not attempt to upstage the talent (see Mary Hart, below).
Dear Taraji P. Henson,
How utterly gorgeous, and by adding that sweet ruby red clutch you avoid looking positively bridal. Roberto Cavalli does it again! Your jewels and your haircut are chic beyond words. One of my favourites, hands down.
Dear Penelope Cruz,
Congratulations for not only winning Best Supporting Actress but quite possibly being one of the best dressed ladies of the night. For a moment I thought Tim Gunn might actually lick you. This vintage Pierre Balmain gown is over sixty years old and stands the test of time! Absolutely stunning, like you. Your acceptance speech was also very gracious.
Dear Marion Cotillard,
Your Dior gown is surely a step up from your fish-scale inspired mermaid dress of last year. Although it looks like you've pinched your look from every dress in Sarah Jessica Parker's closet, you look fantastic. I dig. You made amends.
P.S. Someone at Dior should get their knuckles rapped for sending you and SJP in such similar gowns.
Dear Kate Winslet,
This one-shoulder Atelier YSL by Stefano Pilati really suits you. I really like the shade, the detail and the silhouette. Did you lose your handbag?
Everyone knew you were going to win!
Lurrve to you,
Dear Angelina Jolie,
You know I am no fan of yours but you still looked quite nice in this Elie Saab column dress accessorized with giant drop emerald earrings by Lorraine Schwartz! I wish you hadn't pulled your hair all the way back, Vampira-style, but that's your thing. You look better with a soft sweeping bang. The whole look was so safe as to be utterly boring to me. No tattoos, no babies, no creepy brother. Wake me up when Jen walks by.
Dear Melissa George,
I don't watch Grey's Anatomy, so I had to Google you to find out who you were. Nevermind. I just don't know where to start, so I won't say anything at all. So, were you like, somebody's date?
Dear Jessica Biel,
How unfortunate for you. I bet for the first time since you hooked up with Justin, Cameron Diaz isn't jealous. I think she may actually be smirking. Could this possibly be less flattering and all krinkly in the wrong places? Sheesh. Remember: satin + ivory + giant bow = 1980's wedding nightmare.
But seriously, kudos to you for making your own dress with things you had around the house, even I wouldn't attempt that, and I'm a crafty blogger.
Too bad for you,
Dear Virgina Madsen,
I don't usually like red dresses on the red carpet because I find it all too "blendy" but this is a fantastic shape and you wear it so terribly well. Me likey. But why all the TV doctors tonight?
Dear Viola Davis,
I remember when Reem Acra made only wedding gowns. I just wanted to say that. It has nothing to do with your dress, I just thought I'd throw that out there and look like a real fashionista. Anyway, your gold sheath was gorgeous, it fit well, it looked comfortable and easy to wear and I bet it was fun to turn around in. You really owned it. I think people will slam the look as a safe one, but oh well.
Dear Vanessa Hudgens,
What a bold gown choice you made in Marchesa. I think I liked it, especially the unexpected white detail on the bodice. It also fit well and you looked comfortable in it. Well done, young lady.
Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,
While this Dior gown is exquisite, this vintage-Hollywood look is getting a little tired on you. Truly, it is you and not Tilda Swinton who could experiment a little! This is borderline fairy godmother-ish. You forgot your wand.
You did manage to bring out a fabulous old accessory that we were glad to see: Ferris Beuller! Look at his sweet mug. But the gown really is a sweet confection although it is only really good for Penelope Cruz's niece's Quinceañera and not for someone our age. Please, SJP, can you tuck your, um, endowments into your bodice?
Dear Nancy O'Dell,
Very Grecian goddess! Your stylist did a great job with your dress but I really miss the way you used to do your hair. Again, nobody really cares about the press.
Dear Melissa Leo,
Didn't Susan Sarandon wear this dress (and hairdo) a few years back? Oh, well. It still looks matronly, ten years later. Plus, Tilda Swinton has demonstrated several times that it is not attractive to match your hair to your dress colour.
P.S. My favourite part of the entire night was when you bitch-slapped Canadian nobody-interviewer Ben Mulroney on the red carpet. Well done.
Dear Evan Rachel Wood,
Because you are young, you will understand what I mean when I say meh about your Elie Saab gown. This one gets lost in a sea of colour this year. Too close to your skintone, but a lovely cut and bodice detail. Oh, how I wish it were green.
Have a great night regardless,
P.S. Does Mickey Rourke smell like Jack Daniels, Aqua Velva and dog urine?
Dear Miley Cyrus,
First of all: your mama didn't raise you up right if you chewed gum on the red carpet. I was (no pun intended): gobsmacked. The jury is still out at our house regarding your sparkly Zuhair Murad gown... I like the overall effect and you've picked worse, so the bar wasn't set that high in the first place. At least it was age-appropriate, but ditch the Hubba Bubba next year if you are indeed nominated for The Hannah Montana Movie.
Oh, and don't think that we didn't notice that you took Marion Cotillard's dress from last year and put it on steriods, called it a day.
Dear Natalie Portman,
You took what could quite possibly have presented as an upscale prom dress and made it Oscar-worthy! You really pulled off what could have been a terrible colour choice. Methinks it was your choice of accessories and your hairstyle. Very chic, by Rodarte. Thank you for introducing us to new designers... you turned the world onto Zac Posen years ago.
The tan lines were a little unfortunate but oh, well. Also unfortunate: your on-stage antics with Ben Stiller. It all fell a little flat but it had the potential to be funny.
Keep up the good work,
Dear Alicia Keys,
I hope you didn't stand too close to Natalie! You look like bridesmaids, side by side. But seriously, a great gown choice by Armani Prive. Awesome hair, shoes and bag as well.
And when you and Zac Efron walked out on stage? The lavender lining of your dress went swoosh, swoosh and I just adored that.
Dear Jennifer Grey,
Nobody puts Baby in a corner! You looked delicious in that Dolce & Gabbana. The dress, the hair, the nose, all of it. Saucy lurrves.
P.S. I would like the name of your plastic surgeon.
Dear Lisa Rinna,
The purple colour looks nice with your perpetual tan. Your lips don't even look that puffy tonight. Okay, not so much... I think they might also be purple too. But really, it is a nice dress. And it does the job, you look nice without distracting from the talent.
P.S. I don't want the number of your plastic surgeon.
Dear Mary Hart,
So that's what happened to the rest of Scarlett O'Hara's curtains! Oh, well. Nobody cares. My dog also has a seizure when he hears your voice.
Dear Heidi Klum,
This may sound rude, but why are you always at the Academy Awards? And yet again you work the red carpet in an outrageous red confection. This time, an "architectural design" by Roland Mouret. Luckily, you had the shoes on hand from last year's red catastrophe.
I know you took some heat in the press this week about being large, and although I think it's ridiculous for someone to say that, it would be ridiculous to say this dress looks good on you. Maybe it would be okay on the runway in a haute couture conceptual show, but man, this is the freakin' Oscars! Remember what The Fan always says... there is a fine line between an outfit and a getup. This, Dear Heidi, is a getup. You're out.
Dear Freida Pinto,
You did it! You picked a nice dress for an awards show! Finally. On anyone else, this dress would look like a figure skater's costume... but you pull it off, and nicely. Is it just me or is the cut of it slightly an homage to the sari? You just looked young, fresh and amazing tonight. Make sure you write Mr. Galliano a nice thank you note.
Girl, you've got a killer figure but there you go again... you are, as Veto says, over the top. The fit, the pattern, the colour combo. This is sort of a wallpaper nightmare. You are still gorgeous, and I'm sitting on my sofa wearing Levi's and a Juicy tee, so what do I know? Still, I suppose it will be revealed that your mother designed this getup.
Dear Amy Adams,
Your Carolina Herrera gown was (as always) an excellent colour choice for you. Consistently, you dress within your pefect shades, it's as though you were draped back in the 80's when that was cool and you carry one of those swatch books in your handbag when you shop. I'm not completely sold on the black bodice detailing... but it needed something to draw the eye to the tuck of fabric up there, otherwise it was destined to get lost. I think it just didn't work with that divine Fred Leighton collar necklace.
The dress was graphic, the necklace organic. I didn't really think they went together just because of the black detail. The dress overall, yes. The colour, yes, yes! The necklace, yes! The black piping, nah.
Lurvve and kisses,
Dear Marisa Tomei,
Lurrve your pleated Versace. It fit like a glove and was the perfect colour. You didn't win because the Acadamy honored you for My Cousin Vinnie and they need to live it down. By nominating you again, they affirmed to themselves that you are a worthy actress but they will never give you another Oscar. I mean: you are one for two and Meryl Streep is two for fifteen. You do the math.
But the dress! That was quite a train and it could have been shorter and had the same effect. It had fantastic detail but did not translate to the red carpet or television at all. I think it looked better on the runway. If you had reduced the train by half or more and the dress had been say, black, it would have been a winner. Sorry... you were so very close. You will find yourself on both best-dressed and worst-dressed lists all week, so have a friend screen your media input for you.
P.S. I really do want to know if Mickey Rourke smells bad! Will someone get back to me?
Lastly, to Sophia Loren,
Boooooo. What was your next-of-kin thinking? Clearly, as a Hollywood legend and icon, you do not utilize the modern concept of hired stylist (ie. Rachel Zoe) but it is unfortunate that at the Nursing Home for Aging Screen Sirens, they are allowing the inmates too much freedom and the results are catastrophic. On the bright side, you were probably one of the few women who appeared on stage wearing her own jewels.
To the Academy:
Thanks also for selecting Sean Penn as Best Actor and Slumdog Millionaire as Best Picture. You know how much I lurrve movies. Hugh Jackman was fan-tas-tic and the whole thing clocked in at four hours! I cannot wait for the remake of Fame.