First off, let me say: I am allowed to concoct this bit of a lie simply because I can bake, and I do so all year long with the least bit dishonesty... I whip, blend, fold, curdle, soften, grate, rasp, temper and frost with witnesses to these acts throughout the calendar year. And so, when I engage in the dishonest behaviour I am about to cop to now, at Christmas, you will understand that a) I deserve a break; b) nobody probably cares; and, c) I'm saving so much money and time, you'll wonder why you didn't think of it yourself.
Today, I snipped seventy dollars out of the grocery account, and instead of buying ingredients to do Christmas baking, I drove around to the three nicest bake shops in town and picked out six of this, twelve of those, eight of those, you get the gist. I make a special effort to hand select the tarts that look a little lopsided, you know the ones - that nobody wants because they're not perfect but Saucy likes because they look "homemade". Of course I make a point in selecting everyone's favourite items that I have "produced" every year prior as I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone.
As a special added measure of dishonesty, I have the clerk at the last bakery fill an empty ice cream pail - provided by myself of course - with white frosting. This is the frosting that I will fill my pastry bag with tomorrow when I carefully embellish all of the treats and the naked gingerbread men that I ordered ahead of time. The remainder of the frosting will be used to assemble the ready-made gingerbread house kit that I purchased last year - yes you read correctly, LAST YEAR at half price after Christmas and stored carefully in the pantry, you know the one, that nobody eats anyway because it's so hard and they're only after the candy and my fluffy "homemade" frosting anyway. That will all be assembled on Sunday with great fanfare. And blogged about, with all credit taken. Wipe this post from your mind now. Erase.
And that, dear readers, is how I got my fantastic, world-famous-however-does-she-do-it Christmas baking done in one afternoon. Oh, and don't forget: you can cut some of those bars and squares into even smaller pieces than they did at the bakery.
After all that baking, Veto took the kids and The Fan and I to see Vince Vaughn in Fred Claus. After being housebound all week, I think everyone in the audience loved that we took up a whole row and intermittently coughed and hacked during the show and left all of our germs for the next guests. Tis the season of sharing! And I love Vince, he really gets me. I mean, if he read this blog, he'd really get me, don't you think? And so, like Mrs. G before me, as a sinner, I will now officially add Vince to my celebrity crush list, because apparently you can add and amend and still fear hate comments because people think you are seriously coveting a man other than your husband.
But come on, it's Vince Vaughn. Come on. Still, with the one last shred of integrity that I have after this day of dishonest baking, I can only give Vince 2.5 cupcakes out of five. That's a lotta cupcakes he's got to hold up to after Wedding Crashers, so let's keep him honest. One of us has to be honest.