Saucy may have missed blogging the dresses from the Golden Globes and the Grammy Awards, but she would never leave you twisting in the wind after the Oscars. There may be a lot going on over here, but Saucy will always slow down and take a seat of the sofa in her flannel pyjamas to discuss and critique what the much more beautiful and talented women of the world wear. Here goes nothing.
Dear Anna Kendrick,
You arrived early on the red carpet, no doubt because you had to get ready to appear in that rollicking opening number. This dress is lovely on you and shame on Khloe Kardashian for slaying it on E! during pre-awards coverage. I mean come on, she's a Kardashian. Nobody takes any of them seriously. You looked great and there's nothing wrong with this colour.
Dear America Ferrera,
You were also an early arrival but your ombre dress could have arrived in 2010. It is still very pretty and you accessorized it well. Your hairstyle was on point.
Dear Gina Rodriguez,
Your styling was superior and the dress was fine from most angles - but if a dress is not perfect from every single angle then you should not choose it. Perhaps it was the flow of the "peace silk" which Saucy assumes is some sort of sustainable fibre... but most of social media thought you said "pea silk" to the interviewers on the red carpet and that caused some confusion. This gown may have draped better had it been a little less environmentally conscious. Sometimes you can put the "yes" into polyester.
Dear Adam Levine's wife,
You are winning at life. Please stop. Channing Tatum's wife has not yet arrived but you might have best-dressed spouse sewn up already.
Dear Cate Blanchette,
After wearing the Most Expensive Gown in Oscar History last year, you opted for a simple black dress with an amazing Tiffany necklace. If Saucy never hears Guliana Rancic utter the phrase "statement necklace" ever again it will be too soon but she hopes that this example will be the Wikipedia photo for it forevermore.
Dear Chloe Grace Moretz,
Every year, some young actress/ingenue comes to the awards and most of the time they fail miserably (looking at you, Kristen Stewart). However, your dainty floral print is simply adorable and age-appropriate. You have a clear sense of your age and your rank at this event. It is also not your prom. Also, by choosing a garment with pockets you have managed to find something to do with your youthful and probably fidgety hands. Some may point their fingers and say that this look is awfully Laura Ashley but to that I say sometimes it is appropriate to channel the draperies of eighteenth-century English aristocracy.
Dear Ana Faris,
Your dress - although a teensy-weensy bit senior prom for Saucy's taste (she actually has taken pictures of seniors in dresses identical to this) was glittery and festive. What Saucy took issue with were your hideous satin platform stripper pumps that were revealed when your husband gallantly lifted your skirt on the red carpet. Indeed, one might ask themselves WWJW?
The answer is never platform pumps. Ever.
PS. The question is, What would Jackie Wear? As in Kennedy. As in Onassis.
Dear Chrissy Teigen,
Another supermodel with a talented musician husband? Is this the 1980's all over again? At any rate, your look is divine save for the fact you are cleaving a little too much leg our way and we get nervous about wardrobe malfunctions and such. We get it, you model swimsuits and lingerie and probably loll about your home in sexy slips and you likely find undergarments very unnecessary in general, but we mere mortals at home watching in our JCrew flannels do not want to see your vahgine. To be honest, we do not want to even worry about it.
Dear Jenna Dewan Tatum,
Now Saucy is completely torn, after prematurely promising Best Dressed Spouse to Mrs. Levine. All is right with this ensemble. Carry on. There is nothing to say here.
Dear Dakota Johnson,
You are of sour countenance most of the time and particularly when interviewed about that ridiculous movie role you took because nobody else would touch it with ten foot whip. It is just as well you are mustering a smile for this photograph because your endless side-eye glancing and puzzling frowns were so distracting on the red carpet. This dress did a number of things but it is neither good nor bad and for that you are getting off easy this time.
Saucy will leave you with these motherly words of advice for the future: come prepared for the questions, know who designed your dress, be able to tell the interviewer what upcoming projects you are currently working on. This is show business. Answers such as "I have a lot of things coming up next year but I don't really know what the names are or, like, when they're out" are really not acceptable to your manager or agent or the producers of said projects.
Dear Emma Stone,
This was a delightful and skilled departure for you. Kudos to you for wearing a fully beaded ensemble! Only with your alabaster skin would this shade of chartreuse be acceptable. Also, thank you for eschewing the spray tan booth and the self-bronzer.
The double cuff bracelets? Fork them over.
Dear Faith Hill,
In order to soften the blow, let me first say that your pixie haircut is SUPER CUTE. This dress is very nice, some may say beautiful - but clearly it did not fit you in the right places and was less than flattering at some points on the frame of your generally rocking body. This dress would have suited a bit better in black or navy. Also with about an inch and a half off the bottom. Tailoring is key!
Dear Felicity Jones,
The top of this garment is amazing and absolute perfection in every single way. The bottom half is dialing it in. Too many pleats and gathers at the hip make this a mess from the waist down and for that reason, you will not be on this best-dressed list tonight.
It was super close, though.
Dear Jenny From the Block,
When you are presenting for costume design it is acceptable form to show up in something a bit more costume-y. You have done that yet again and although one is left to ask why a judge from American Idol is presenting at the Academy Awards, one's daughter will remind her you starred in some kind of stalker/thriller earlier this year. It may have tanked at the box office as almost every film you've been involved with has, but it still earns you the opportunity to wow us yet again with your amazing bosom and impeccable application of body makeup.
For this reason, you are a national treasure in spite of your movies.
Dear Gwynyth Paltrow,
Saucy's disdain for you although it runs wide and deep cannot extend to your red carpet choices this year. Indeed, you have finally vindicated yourself from your pink Ralph Lauren of choice in 1999 which we are all sure gives you nightmares to this day. How unfortunate for you.
Regardless, this dress works because of your overzealous attention to dietary restrictions and impeccable posture. The earrings are a bit too much but that's just being petty on the part of the author. I do think that the one-sleeve trick made this look very streamlined but wonder if at any point in the fitting were other sleeve lengths discussed? Just curious. Of course you went with the full sleeve, it was most expensive.
Dear Jamie Chung,
This is kind of Angelina Jolie-meets-Halle Berry and for a moment it made Saucy actually miss the both of them. Then the moment passed and it was over.
Dear Jennifer Hudson,
Colour, shape and fit. Yes, yes and yes. Give your stylist a big tip for this one.
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
First off, you should have been nominated but we all agree so let's talk about your dress.
Your dress is impeccable and Saucy hopes that all of the Best Dressed honours bestowed on you tomorrow will make you feel a little better about things.
Keep shining you crazy diamond.
Dear Nicole Kidman,
There are too many things wrong with this look to list here but Saucy will summarize by saying you should have just gone another direction when you accessorized this hideous iridescent sequinned monstrosity. It is likely that you have lost all grip on reality at this point.
Dear Laura Dern,
You are a likeable gal in a likeable dress with a bag and necklace that are trying too hard to be likeable but it all kind of works together and you get a pass because you are a thespian!*
*insert Jon Lovitz voice
Dear Jessica Chastain,
There is a fair bit going on across the bodice of this gown so you may have benefitted from wearing some sort of cuff bracelet instead of that choker. This dress simply needed a little less draping under your bosom and the flatter factor would have gone up by 63.5% easily. (Based on recent computations).
Dear Kerry Washington,
You get a pass because Saucy does not watch Scandal and she does not want hate email from your Gladiators or whatever your fans call themselves. Your fashion choices are widely touted but Saucy finds them at best very pedestrian and the fact that they are often replicated by stores like The Limited and Forever XXI support that claim.
Dear Kelly Preston,
Saucy feels that she may have seen you in this before or perhaps she is thinking OF JUST ABOUT ANY BRIDESMAID DRESS CIRCA 2002 but of course that could be just the martinis talking.
You were probably so engrossed with trying to talk your husband out of that chain neck-thingy that you forgot what your stylist told you to do and grabbed the first thing you saw when you went into your portable storage unit.
Dear Lady Ga Ga,
Just when you have been presenting yourself so normally lately, Tony Bennett leaves you unattended for one evening and you resort to your old tricks. In an attempt to channel Amal Clooney (who wisely stayed home this evening) you scrambled around for some ill-fitting handwear and produced these dish gloves. Yes, we all rummage about our kitchen pantry for formal wear at some point, we know the feels.
Space-age dishwashing gloves aside, the dress is very "you" and that is saying something.
Dear Keira Knightly,
You are now hitting the stride of dressing for a maternity bump but alas it is the end of the awards season. This look is divine even though you allowed the Pitt-Jolie children to scribble all over it. The headband was an elegant touch and it made Saucy feel a little more excited for you and she does not know why.
Dear Octavia Spencer,
How adorable was your (likely unscripted) bit with Neil Patrick Harris? Your gown is perfection but may Saucy suggest that a clutch in a less matchy colour have pushed this look over the top. Red, perhaps? Red and aqua are win/win. Go cruise Pinterest... people have entire boards to worship it.
You are the Mistress of All You Survey.
Dear Reese Witherspoon,
This dress was a strategic choice. While you were not in the front to win your category, you easily could have come from behind for the surprise win and therefore you dressed accordingly. It is the perfect choice for "I am nominated but not expecting to win but just in case I win I will look amazing anyway" and for that entire train of thought you should be on every best-dressed list.
And just one tiny thought: a simple buckle on that black belt band would have been just sublime.
Dear Naomi Watts,
This look will get ripped by some and lauded by others. About that, Saucy will say this dress is amazing but probably better suited for someone like Emma Stone to wear to the MTV Movie Awards. You are generally flawless so let's not let one tiny dress misstep come between us. Had you worn this to the Golden Globes you would have been, well, golden.
Dear Rosamund Pike,
You have redeemed yourself from that blasphemous getup you wore to the Globes in January. This dress actually stays up, fits you and does not leave viewers at home with the impression that it will break apart and fall off your body at any moment. The red shade suits you and you have returned to the sweet hairstyle of your Pride and Prejudice days... here's hoping you had a sentimental photo taken with Keira Knightly tonight.
Dear Sienna Miller,
Things are heating up as Saucy nears her favourite looks of the evening. This was a hit, even whilst sporting that jaunty little schoolgirl bow at the neckline. Nice.
Dear Renee Russo,
How elegant and timeless you looked this evening, even with those distracting leather cuffs from Hot Topic.
Dear Zoe Saldana,
Saucy tips her simple knit hat to you. You are a Goddess.
Dear Rita Ora,
This gown is stunning. What is most enjoyable about it is that at first glance it appears not to fit all that well but upon careful inspection the complete opposite is true and that gold embroidered piece under the bodice is a most welcome, peekaboo surprise. Well played, Rita Ora, well played.
Dear Scarlett Johansson,
Things are now rapidly deteriorating and you find yourself close to the bottom of the list. As the Barenaked Ladies so eloquently put it, real green dresses are cruel. They are especially cruel when paired with elaborate neckpieces that would have looked spectacular if paired with a simple black gown (see Cate Blanchette, above). Where did that neck business end and the dress begin? Was it all one piece? There were too many questions and for that reason, you have failed in your task.
Dear Viola Davis,
As much as Saucy adores you and believes you are one of the most talented, beautiful women in Hollywood today, this frock did you few favours. There are seams and puckers everywhere and an attempt at a sculptural skirt seems all but lost in a sea of wrinkles. Saucy is sorry to say this but if Heidi Klum was here (and thank God she is not) she would have to say Auf Wiedersehen to the designer of this look.
Dear Patricia Arquette,
As things go from bad to worse (don't worry, you are not Solange Knowles bad) your look was at best "unique" and at worst "dishevelled". Saucy would have liked to seen the top in any shade other than stark white, and some kick-ass earrings. Also, you arrived on the carpet with on-the-way-to-yoga hair and that is unacceptable. We do not care how quirky you are. Use hairspray.
Dear Solange Knowles,
You are no Beyonce. You are also painfully aware of that and you may appear to embrace this fact you should still make an effort. There is just nothing to say that is positive about this look.
Dear Marion Cotillard,
Saucy sees what you tried to do there. The dots and the circles and the earring and the back. It was not flattering in the least but it looked extremely comfortable so if that is tantamount to you, then you win. But it is also tantamount to most suburban housewives and they also wear yoga pants most days.
Saucy has saved her two favourite looks for last.
Dear Margot Robbie,
As a relative newcomer you have aced the Red Carpet event this evening (and much better than last year). This dress is exquisite and it could have crossed into Morticia Adams territory but your perfect draping and peekaboo neckline steer you clearly into the win category. Also, the chance to wear a piece of jewelry designed for Wallis Simpson is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and Saucy would not check herself and thus wreck herself to have it. You are the Best Dressed Minor Player of the evening.
Dear Lupita Nyong'o,
In this gown that was custom created for you with over 6000 pearls, you are the hands-down winner of the Best Dressed Major Player event. It was sculptural without being stiff or overpowering. It was detailed upon inspection but simple at a glance. It was as though pearls had been poured over your body and attached themselves to you by sheer magnetic force. You. Are. Queen.
That's it for Saucy's annual review. Tomorrow she will return to her regular schedule of decorating the new vacation home she and Veto recently acquired in Scottsdale. It took a month to find a property and several weeks to close, but its all theirs now and let the games begin. Expect some before and after photos eventually.
If you have any thoughts about the Oscar dresses, please leave a comment. We agree to disagree here. Or at least we pretend to.
And on that note, Saucy would like to leave you with one last, enduring image. Stamos!
Maybe that should be the name of this blog: Better Late Than Never. It seems like projects are still flying out the door and baking is still coming out of the oven, but nothing is making it onto camera and being blogged.
You know what they say... if it didn't happen on the Internet, it didn't happen.
Case in point: Homecoming, 2014. Was this in September already? Daisy Duke called on game day with a fun idea. She wanted to surprise her Texas-born boyfriend with a Texas-style homecoming mum at the big game. That's not really a tradition up here.
At least she knew who to call.
It's really not a "traditional" homecoming mum, but Saucy had a couple of these funky Huskie hats on hand from Dollarama on the off-chance someone wanted to wear one to a game. The hat fit perfectly over a 9" round cardboard cake board. It was pretty quickly hole punched for ribbons and a neck strap.
Like The Secret Weapon before her, Saucy prides herself on the fact that the craft room/studio is equipped to come up with stuff like this at the drop of a hat. LITERALLY. The drop of a fuzzy Huskie mascot hat!
Scraps of ribbon from cheerleading days and scrapbooking letters added the finishing touches along with pipe cleaners, crafty pom poms, felt flowers and metal player initials. A few cupcake toppers even made it into the mix.
Saucy feels badly for not sharing this sooner. She also has two outstanding Cheerio photo shoots from late summer and a few cookie recipes. She sort of feels like making Valentine cookies to serve at Christmas because at the rate she's going, they'd make it on the blog at about the right time.
posted Wednesday, December 03, 2014
Your cookie decorating skills don't have to be top-notch. They're cookies. They need to taste good and look bright and pretty. These cookies will do the trick.
The keys to success with these cookies are:
Cutting the dough nice and thick.
Using cream cheese in the frosting.
Adding a wee bit of milk to your paste or gel food colouring and painting it on in the most abstract of ways with a little paint brush from the dollar store.
That's it! Your cookies will amaze everyone. It is the holiday season, after all.
Soft Sugar Cookies
1 cup sugar
2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Beat butter and sugar together with a paddle attachment on your stand mixture well. Add eggs, one at a time and beat until light and fluffy. Mix in vanilla. Sift together dry ingredients and slowly add to the wet mixture.
Turn dough onto lightly floured surface. Roll thickly - about 1/4". After cutting out shapes, chill the cut pieces for about ten minutes before baking at 400 degrees for 6-8 minutes.
Cream Cheese Frosting for Painting
(This is also Saucy's Whoopie Pie filling)
6 ounces cream cheese, softened to room temperature3/4 stick of butter (where butter stick is 1/2 cup)
4 cups icing sugar
1 teaspoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
Cream the butter and cream cheese together, do not over whip. Mix in the icing sugar, then the milk and vanilla. Add more milk to make thinner for frosting the cookies, it will harden very well.
This frosting recipe will cover two batches of the above recipe of cookies with some leftover.
To paint your cookies, put a tiny bit of green food colour paste or gel (Saucy uses Wilton Leaf Green) onto a small plate. Pour about a half teaspoon of milk onto the plate and drag a small clean paint brush through the milk and the colour. Using the cookie as your canvas, gently brush the pattern you desire into the frosting while it is still not set (for this look... you can also wait to paint your cookies after the frosting dries but that is a completely different look). Swirl and paint and pull the pigment through the frosting, adding more colour from the paint/milk mixture as you like.
Don't forget to add your favourite holiday sprinkles before the frosting dries! Happy cookie-baking days.
posted Saturday, November 29, 2014